Saturday, December 18, 2010

its 3 you know where your friend molly is?

I'm sitting in an empty bathtub
Staring at the wall.
I cannot sleep
I won't tonight
But this is not my fault.
You see my brain controls this ride
And tonight it won't shut off.
I've asked her more than 20 times
And she replays this thought....
Do you hear that?
Wake up Molly.
No you can't ignore it.
Focus on its annoyingness
I won't let you give up on it!
Go ahead count qs snores!
It's funny when he chokes.
Calm down now, no you may not
Punch him in the throat.
Wait what's that?
The guinea pigs.
What the fuck are they doing?
Sounds like piggy jumping jacks.
God I hope that they're not screwing.
Do you hear chimes?
So do I.
Why are they so loud?
Oh yeah that's right,
One pane windows.
They let in every sound.
And the cold.
Oh god the bill
To heat this place will suck.
Hey let's stress on money!
Now were having fun!
Hold on Molly
Let's go and get
The great the one the only!
The super radical fun guy!
Mr. Holy shit anxiety!
Your wide awake now arnt you?
Boy your heart is beating fast!
Get up and walk it off now
Just remember it won't last.
But until its gone I'm sorry
But your gonna have to wait
And think of every thought you've thunk
From 1975 till yesterday.
Your gonna have to rehash
All the good the bad the ugly.
Stay up till 5 and wonder why
Anxiety can't be funny.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

she's a lady

So I was at target the other day buying some candy and slinking down the isles crop dusting (farting under the radar) when I happened into the underwear department. I giggled to myself because I was just farting and thinking "wouldn't it suck if I shit myself" and here i was staring at hundreds of panties.
"Go ahead!" I thought."its covered!" Hahahaha!

Yes sometimes I drink before I shop. F you.

Red robin is right next door and my bartender peeps give me free fries when I drink there. (Q tried to say every one gets them but I think he's a liar.) Plus, there is some RADICAL people watching in the joint.


Anyhow, I decided 15$ for 5 pairs of panties was a good deal. I started rummaging through the bins and grabbing out my size (non-ya) and colors I like. I landed 5 good ones, let out a rippper (oopsees) and went for checkout.

It wasn't until the next morning after I washed them (and sobered up) that i realized I had accidentally bought a pair of thong underwear.

Goddamn it.

I hate thong underwear. Nahnahnahnahnah....Shut it....don't care. Don't want to hear it. All you bitches is lieing to yourselves and others when you say "they're comfortable" Bull Goddamn shit. How can it be? It's a string. UP MY ASS. And my fuzzy kyekye. (VAGINA people.) I hate them. And I find them...well sorta gross. It slips up there and flosses my butthole. I just can't do it.

But I thought, now that I've washed them I can't return them. So I slipped them on and thought I'd try them out for the day. And left for work.


I stopped at the gas station to well...get some gas.(The kind for my car not my butt. Haha! I also drink when i write. Cheers!)

I was the only car there. I made sure. Like really. I looked around and confirmed it.

Just me. I'm alone.

Awesome. Cause this really rad decision to wear a string up my ass was already becoming a really bad idea.

It was up there and super uncomfortable. I glanced around one more time coast was crystal clear, and I grabbed at it. I was getting nothing. Goddamn thong. I couldn't free it. My butt had it sucked right on up. I grabbed and grabbed and came up empty handed. Literally.

I was gonna have to stick my hand down the back of my pants.

And free it.

I mean fuck it. I was the only one there and this thing needed to go. I jammed my hand down the back of my pants and freed the little sucker.

Ahhh. Sweet relief.

"Find what you were lookin for?" Asked a voice from behind me.

Standing at the pump along side mine was a man with a gas can. But of course. I didn't hear this guy walk up.

Annoyed I said "not sure....wait....oh, yep. got it." and I pulled out my hand and flipped him off.

"Nice."he said."what a lady."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I said smelling my hand.
"It means your very classy." He said starting to laugh."Smell anything good there?"

I blushed bright red and ducked into my car.

And the thong dived right back up my ass.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Wow do I not want to be awake. It's Monday. I want to go back to sleep. Wouldn't it be amazing if we all just could? Please.....we all need to agree to stop the clocks one Monday morning for 3 hours. 3 hours more sleep. Then restart the clocks and start the day. Or, maybe stop all this daylight savings for a couple yrs then give us the extra hours one day to make up for it. Who's running this show? I need to have a talk with them.

Ok so that's all I got this morning people. See you this afternoon.


Friday, October 1, 2010

why i hate poulsbo by molly andrae

!. Because the speed limit is 40 but everyone drives 25. Speed the fuck up you looky lous.

2. There is always, no matter what time of day, a shitload of traffic. I am assuming this is due to the slow drivers and the fact there is a stoplight every 3 feet and its always red.

3. Starbucks is at the end of this strip mall thing and the parking lot sucks. The spaces are too tight and everyone has an suv. My car has been hit 3 times. Plus the Starbucks workers pretend they don't know what medium is. I hate them.

4. The woods there are scary as shit. We used to walk this trail down to the dogfish creek to see the samon run (fucking creepy those fish are huge) and at the end there is this giant cross with an alter and some pews.(holy shit creepy) seriously. Now if that ain't backwoods scary what is?

5. Vikings are out. Noone cares. Please shut up about it already. Didn't those dudes rape and piliage? Good fun. Now thats something to brag about.

6. Pitbulls are no longer allowed there. Get over yourselves.

7. Crosswalks are there for a reason. Randomly stepping into traffic forcing me to slam on my brakes, somehow killing my car is stupid. In that downtown area people are just randomly walking all over the place looking at the little shops that I swear to god all sell the same shit. Hand knitted hats and swirly wirly woman chimes for hippies. Stupid.

8. I've been pulled over there more times than I am old.22.
(Yes, I know I'm 35 its a fucking joke people.)

9. There are only a couple bars there and I keep getting kicked out of them. It's not my fault they are also resturants. Beer makes me swear.

10. Once while walking my dogs on the beach Max ran ahead and was rolling against this log. We walked up to him and realized said log was a giant dead seal. I had to bathe Max 8 times to get that greasy film off him. I also vomited and screamed. And I hate vomiting cause it makes me vomit more and i cant stop till its all gone. And I hate screaming it hurts my throat. And q said his ears.

11. Because the stupid bank of America doesn't open till 10 and closes at 5:30. Good god. Work normal hours like the rest of us please.

12. Because its sucks.

with lemon

The other day while I was sitting outside minding my own business the neighbors shit kid Buddy popped his head over the fence and asked me where my car was.
"In my driveway. Why?" I said spinning around to see if it was still there.
"I need some change." He replyed.
I just stared at him because well.....I didn't fucking get it.
"Did you hear me?" He asked staring right back.
Say what?
I looked all around me narrowed my eyes and pointed at myself "are you talking to me kid or someone else?"
"You lady." He said nodding at me.
Little creep.
"And your asking me the where abouts of my car cause you need some change?" I asked.
"Yes. Is it locked?" He said.
"Is what locked?" I asked confused as a mother fucker.
"Your car."
"My car?"
"YES YOUR CAR. GET ME SOME CHANGE OR CAN I GET IT." Buddy said rather loudly.
Who the fuck IS this kid?
"Im sorry kid....I don't understand. What exactly is happening here?" I asked
Buddy sighed and said "when I was in your car yesterday I saw a bunch of change. I need it now so can you get it."
My eyes started to widen and I said "you were in my car?"
"Yeah. Yesterday." He said.
"Why?" I said as I started to freak the fuck out.
"To pretend." He said.
"Why in my car?" I asked. Getting up and backing towards my car. "And what the fuck were you pretending?"
Buddy froze and his eyes popped out.
"You said the f word." He said.
I stopped walking and looked around me again. What was happening? I felt like i was insain. I glanced down at the beer in my hand to make sure it wasn't mushroom tea or something.
"Yeah, I did..." I said "And that's because you were in my fucking car."
You little fucking Weirdo.
"I'm gonna tell." Buddy said and started to walk away.
I through my hands in the air and sprayed beer all over myself."FUCK!" I said and quickly got way pissed.
Buddy turned around, all slow and creepy like, cocked his head to the side looked at me and said "Yes. You have a lemon in your hair. I'll see you tomorrow." And walked back to his house.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010


I have been on a mission to decrap my house. My friend Jen told me to get rid of one thing everyday. This way it wont be overwhelming and I don't get rid of anything in my blind haste to rid myself of everything I own so that i no longer have to clean. I was tempted. Really tempted. I clean all fucking day for work. When I get home, its honestly the last thing i want to do. But I love a clean house. So I thought really what more do I need than a bed, couch and tv?

It's amazing how much tupperware someone like me, who doesn't cook, owns. Plus I keep nothing. Any left overs go to my dogs. And honestly I don't think any of these fucking odd shaped squares I own have any lids anyway. And they take up a whole cupboard because none of them fit in together. I opened the cupboard and they literally fell all over me. It's stupid and useless and they gotta go. But when I put them in the to go pile I realized suddenly that I love small odd square plastic containers and when I went to sleep i dremt about needing them and I even had one as a purse, which contained a puppy. So next day, not only did they come out of the pile, I bought a huge box of new ones after I tested each size for puppy perfectness.

Fuck. You guys, I'm crazy.

I have like 5 cookie jars and none of them have cookies in them. I eat all the cookies in one day....they dont have enough time to get stale. In one jar there was change, 73 cents to be exact. In another there was a pair of socks. Nicely folded around a half a slim Jim. I'm sorry but I don't even wanna know what the fuck thats about.

The other 3 were empty and stupid. But again as soon as they sat in that I hate you pile I started to get sad and soon everything had a name and was promised to be loved. Q says I have a velvateen rabbit complex. He says ceramic dog cookie jars that are cracked in half and taped together with duct tape are called garbage not James.

Whatever. I'm trying. I found a broken mirror in between the mattress and box spring that i hid there because I thought the bad guys couldn't give me seven years bad luck if they couldnt find it. I got rid of that! I had to bag it twice and hide in the garbage after midnight but its gone!

Quint thinks maybe I need a vacation. He said we could go somewhere nice and quite and I could relax. He said maybe if I had a calm environment maybe I could stay out of the nuthouse another year or so. I said sure and maybe you don't need 3 guitars. Maybe one is all you need and the needy can have the others. He quickly changed tune and patted James on his way to the kitchen.

Its not easy ridding myself of my treasures. I want the easy way, I want not to dust or constantly organize but I love my stuff. I don't know why inatimate objects mean so much to me but they do. When i was a kid my dad used to set us free in jafco and while everyone else went to play with the electronics I would go to their stuffed animal isle dump them all on the floor and sort them and put them away upright so they aren't uncomfortable. I used to hug each one whisper "when noone is around you can dance and sing, when people are here you are to remain asleep. You will see no harm and feel no pain, and even if I don't buy you I love you just the same." I used to sneak in a pen and write names on their tags of my favorite ones. I used to hide these ones behind others so some asshole kid didn't get them and I could come back to see them again. It's funny cause I don't remember ever telling anyone I did this but one christmas, I got 3 of my favorite stuffed animals with names written on their tags. It was pretty awesome.

At anyrate, I will continue to get rid of one thing till christmas day....that's my goal. So far its been two days and I've got the mirror and a book about 365 days of healthy eating. I honestly don't know what that was even doing in my house. It's a fucking cookbook. About healthy eating. In MY house. I could hear the cheetos and ding dongs clapping when I threw it in the pile. Wish me luck this isn't going to be easy. Q says I should get rid of the doll wrapped in a towel shoved behind his jeans in his closet. He says its obvious I hate it. But I don't, I've had the thing since I was a kid and i love it but I dont know about you but Talking Tina on twilight zone ruined my shit. And Chucky pretty much sealed the deal so I told him I'm afraid to throw her out for fear she'll kill me or maim the dogs.

He told me he'd wait for me while I spend my turn in a padded room. What a guy.

Friday, September 17, 2010


In a week nicole and I are doing the breast cancer 3 day walk. It's sixty miles in 3 days. We did the same walk 2 years ago. It was really cool and emotional and amazing. It was an experience I will never forget. I laughed and cried and bonded with some amazing people. It was 70 degrees everyday and sunny. It was new and exciting and unexpected. I loved it.

This yr....10 day forcast says its going to rain, I get winded walking the dogs around the block, I am 20 lbs heavier, my knees hurt when I walk uphill, and I know what it takes to walk 20 miles a day. It sucks. A lot. I also know what happens to a port a potty in 70 degree weather with thousands of people using them. Fuck off....I just threw up in my mouth...I can't even picture that hell without gagging. I can't do this.

I'm going to die.

Last time on the second day I got so dehydrated I almost had to be hooked up to an iv. I refused it because the medical tent was just that....a tent. I was in the grass on a cot that had what I could only hope was a pop stain as the nurse said it to be. This didn't feel sanitary enough to start opening up my veins. It was weird cause the doc said I got dehydrated because I drank gatoraid and no water. Go figure. How the fuck was I supposed to know? The doc said you have to drink a glass of water for every gatoraid. Wtf? The commercials don't tell you that. They show pretty people with rad bodies and lots of money sweating the color of the gatoraid they drank while getting the work out of a lifetime. It doesn't say "leathal disgusting beverage" anywhere. I hate it when tv lies to me.

It was really weird being dehydrated. My face felt like it melted and I couldn't make my legs move when I wanted them to. It was sorta rad except I kept thinking I was gonna puke. Nicole kept staring at me and asking me if i was ok but she looked like she was in a tunnel and her voice sounded far far away. It was weird. I couldn't really talk cause anything that took any energy was out of the question. I just slowly put one foot in front of the other till we got back to the campsite. I won't be doing that this year.....fuck gatoraid. If I'm gonna get dehydrated, I'll drink alcohol thanks. At least then it tastes good and I get a buzz.

In preparation for the 3 day we are supposed to train for months before the walk. They send you these emails every fucking week telling you where you should be at in your training but I just ignored them and wished I could block them off my email list. I mean shut up already. I get it. Put one foot in front of the other and repeat. This is called walking! Fuck. It wasn't hard to walk 20 miles a day it just fucking sucks ass. There is no training that will undo that fact. There is not exercise that will make it fun and exciting and not at all boring. There is no special cream to make quarter sized blisters go away or just not appear. It's friction on skin....that shit just happens. The last thing im going to do is practice all year and get blisters over and over again. Fuck that I'll just wait and get them once thanks. There is no special way to walk to make it all not suck. Nada. It's just walking anyone can do it. Plus it's not a race, they don't even let you run if you wanted to. At all. Like not even across the street or to catch the ice cream man (he was getting away!) So I can literally go as slow as i want. They encourage it. I mean, if you run they will pick you up in their little patrol cars and take you to the campsite. Day over. Bad walker. Fuck that, maybe I will start to run first thing off and then just get wasted in my tent. Hey a girl can dream.

Last time we tryed to escape in the night to find a bar or a store with beer. We couldn't get out of Marymore park where our campsite was. They had the place locked down tight. Noone was getting in or out. As much as I appreciated that (they kept out the murderers...hey tents don't lock and the can be cut open. There is a reason i dont camp.) I also found it fucking annoying that I couldn't leave. They hired these biker chicks to patrol the grounds and they wernt falling for my story about needing tampons. I unfortunately forgot I was with a couple thousand women."borrow one." The biker told me."what? Gross. I doubt they want that back." I said jokingly. She just stood there and stared at me untill I turned and walked back to my tent. All we wanted was a couple 40s. I mean its not easy going to bed at 7:30 even when your tired. Especially when there is an outdoor concert going on at the same place that's louder than shit. Super tiredness will just turn into anxiety without the proper drugs. I'm going prepared this time.

I got earplugs, a flask and some benadryl. I am bringing cash and a small backpack so i can hit the first grocery or gas station i find and stow a brewski in it back to camp. Busch light on ice with a benadryl? Sounds like a party in the team maddog and coco tent.

It's gonna be a long weekend.

I hate breast cancer.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Hiya papaya!

Got a couple messages in my absence. The first was a message asking if i was dead and if so could I let them know. Um...I thought that was weird cause how would I answer if I was so I wrote back telling him "yes. I am. Please in liu of flowers send money." Lets see how that works out.

I have to also respond to the message from Mr. Or Mrs."anoymous". Why yes, you fucking pussy, I do kiss my mother with this mouth (and yours too bitch). Thanks for asking. Oh and in regards to the alcoholic accusation.....sounds to me like your just a bit jealous mate. Your probably a recovering alcoholic so you find it your duty to go around judging others. Your just pissed cause at 10am I had a bloody Mary and a taco. Guess what? I plan on drinking 6 beers at least today.(with lemon). Last night I had 2 glasses of whiskey and 4 beers and laughed my ass of for hours. I think your a sore loser and an asshole. Plus I think your a cock sucking douche bag with a fucking exclamation point problem (do you really need one after every sentence? God your stupid.) And you have a bad attitude and i have a feeling you have bad breath too since your so concerned about my mouth.Might wanna get on that. Careful though.....don't wanna have a relapse accidentally swallowing some mouth wash.

Cheers bitch!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

It's been all hot and shit so I've been walking the dogs before work. It's all good in the morning except for the early bird ass old people in my neighborhood. they all wanna talk and say hi and ask about the dogs or where I live or the weather or fucking 300000000 other things. I just want to walk. I don't want to talk to anyone. Or have a discussion about whether or not pitbulls are murdering devil dogs from hell.(FYI I own two of them. I obviously like them.)

So anyway, last night q and I got in this huge fight over his use of the word 'certain' or 'certainly'. I was de-cluttering our fucking house when he kept trying to keep everything that was total and complete crap. We were already on the way to a fight when my nitpicking kicked in.

"I am most certain I want that." Q said when I picked up a nail cluster covered in gum.
"Tough shit. It's garbage."
"It most certainly isn't."
"Um...yeah it is. These nails are covered in gum."
"I'm not so certain that's gum."
"Oh yeah? What is it then?"
"I'm not certain but that doesn't make it garbage."
"Yeah the fuck it does."
"It most certainly does not."
"Why the fuck do you keep saying certain?"
"I'm not saying certain."
"Yeah the fuck you are. It's hella annoying."
"You are most certainly the annoying one."
"Stop it."
"Stop what? This is ridiculous. These are my things. I am certain I should be able to deside if they are garbage or not."
"Um...I don't actually care. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP SAYING CERTAIN."
"Why do you nitpick everything? So I said certain who cares?"
"Me. Fuck. You said it like 5,000 times. Get a thesaurus or some shit."
"If there's one thing I am certain of its that your being a bitch."
"Oh yeah? Are ya CERTAIN ABOUT THAT?"
"Yes. I most certainly am."

So I stayed up all night drinking busch light (with lemon) and plotting quints demise. I didn't get to bed till like 4 am and when my alarm aka quint slamming the door woke me up at 6:30 I was in a less than plesant mood.

"Awesome. Another hot fucking day. Let's do this dogs." And we went out for our walk.

I got bombarded this morning. Everyone wanted to talk about Obama cause I guess he's coming to visit Seattle or some shit.
"Are you gonna watch his speech?"
"Do you wk in Seattle? That traffics gonna be awful!"
"In my day we raised the flag for our president."
"does Jim down the road have his flag up?"
"You know Obama's got a dog right?"

By the time I was done with my half hour walk I was sweating busch light (with lemon) and I was so dehydrated I couldn't talk anymore. I downed water till my voice came back and forgetting we were in a fight I called q to tell him of my morning.

"Oh my god babe'" I said. "it was so annoying. The early birds just wouldn't shut up today! I was going crazy! It was so fucking frustrating!"

"CERTAINLY sounds like it." Q said and hung up.

Well looks like he can kiss his precious gum nails goodbye.

Oh and his favorite kangol hat.


Friday, August 13, 2010

It's august 22 so I know my time outside being warm is limited. Especially since its currently fucking raining. I can't tell you how amazing it is in Washington when its sunny. You have to live here or be from here to understand it. its never too hot, or super muggy or bad air quality. It's just sunny and beautiful. There's shitloads of mountains and water and Rad shit everywhere you look. it makes you forgive ole Washington for being rainy for 8 months. Straight. In a row. Every fucking year.

Honestly the rain is getting harder the older I get to take. I try, I give myself peptalks and buy a rad raincoat but it gets to ya. Cause when it rains here, are asses and fucking sacked in with clouds. None of that "oh shoot. A storm is coming. Dang it its going to rain." It's more like "there's gonna be 3 hrs of no rain this afternoon folks. Get out and enjoy it while you can." Wtf. Where do you want me to go? In my flooded ass backyard and just stand there thankful for no rain for a couple hrs? I know that shit is coming back. And it's still fucking wet everywhere. And mother fucking cold. Not the freezing temperature shit but that to the bone damp kind of cold. No thanks l'll just stay inside. Fuck that.

Fucking twilight. Making this place look so good even I forgot. I said yeah I wanna go to forks. And I tryed really hard to see the beauty in it and it ended up just pissing me off. That town sucks balls. On Facebook there was this thing where you could 'like' or be 'a fan' of or whatever and it said "I knew about the town of forks before twilight." Who cares. And who did know? I saw a shitload of my friends 'like' it. What I gotta say is good for you, your a hick. Why are you bragging about it? Like your cool cause twilight didn't teach you shit. No one cares. Forks sucks. There is nothing there but trees, some twilight stores, and a resturant with some really mean old ladies in it. Really mean. And they all shit talk twilight.....even though without it that town would be a goner.

Anyway Twilight rules so shut it haters. No, I'm not a teenager or retarded (my dad said you'd have to be reatrded to love vampires. They eat people.) I am a normal lady who thinks its rad. Not to mention that Robert Pattinson is so, so, so pretty. Mommy likey. He is the coolest thing since bon jovi or flea control medicine. He makes me smile everyday. I love him. I can't help it.

I can't wait for the new movies to come out. I get so excited. I have to control myself though cause during the second movie 'New Moon' I accidentally got kicked out.

I got too drunk before the movie. Fuck it. The goddamn thing didn't start till midnight. Why the fuck is that ever a good idea? Oh and here, the theater is across the street from a fucking brewery. My friends were all like "yeah let's like totally meet at Silvercity and get some drinks first!" Sounds good! So I did! And they kept buying me shots! And the beer is strong! And I had 2 fucking hours to wait! it was bound to happen.

Thing is we also snuck in some whiskey. Now I know what your going to say but I don't care. I enjoy having a drink with my movie. We bought some pops and went to the bathroom to make some drinky poos.

Tiffany was all like "pee now so you don't have to go during the movie." Ha. I literally didn't get 15 minutes into the thing. We took our seats as the previews started and I just started to babble.

"Wow its really crowded in here. Tif, look at that girls hair. What is that person eating? I hope they don't eat it the whole movie. Oh I love this song!(sing song loud with wrong words. Giggle uncontrollably) Tif, you wanna go to that movie? Oh hey I....."

"HEY LADY SHUT UP." Said some dude from somewhere in the crowd.

"He means you Molly." Tiffany said starting to laugh.
"Whatever I said. It's just the previews." And I just kept talking. The movie started and I didn't stop."oh this is #3 on the new sound track! I got it last week. I bet Robbys coming up soon. I can't wait! I'm so excited! OH MY GOD THERE HE IS! TEAM EDWARD!"

"SHUT UP I'M SERIOUS!" yelled some obviously team Jacob fan.
"Calm down." I said "chill out." I took a large sip of my drink and then got a tap on the shoulder.

"Ma'am. Can you come with me for a moment."
And I turned around to face a 15 yr old theater worker.
"Who me?" I said looking at the girl.
"Yes ma'am. I need to talk with you out in the hall."
I sat there shocked and said "why?"
"There has been several complaints about you....I really don't want to get into this here. Can you come with me please?" She said guesturing to leave.
"I guess." I sighed and got up to follow.
We got into the hall where an offical looking 17yr old was waiting.
"Good evening ma'am. Im sorry but there have been some noise complaints about you. I'm afraid if it continues we'll have to ask you to leave." He said and smiled at me.
"Your joking." I said starting to laugh.
"No ma'am I'm quite serious. And also here at the kitsap mall theaters we do not choose "teams" or sides. This is a neutral place. We ask ,in order to keep this from escalating even further, that you not yell out your choice." And he nodded at the other girl.

I looked from one to the other and said "for what to escalate? I didn't do anything."

"No but this woman was very upset about you yelling 'team Edward' and was concerned for her young daughter who was obviously team Jacob." And he crossed his arms and glared at me.

I couldn't speak at first cause no way he just said that. No way that lady was that much of a phsyco! That is fucking awesome!

Finally I said "fine. I'll be good can I sit down now?" and I sighed loudly.

The manager child guy said "yes but if we have anymore complaints in the next 15 minutes, you'll be asked to leave." And he smiled a bigger smile at me this time.
"Gotcha." I said and smiled right back at him.

I sat down and told tiffany the whole story."we should leave then Molly. I don't think you can do it." She said.
"Fuck that!" I said "I can totally do this! Watch I'll show you." And I turned towards the screen right as Jacob came onto it.

"Boo!" I said "I hate the Indian guys!" And everyone turned to look at me.

Tiffany spit her drink everywhere and grabbed my arm."its ok." She said loudly."we're leaving." and yanked me up.
"Wait!" I said bending down and reached under the seat."I almost forgot my whiskey!" And I grabbed my cup and started to leave.

The lady next to us said "thank goodness!" And a couple people clapped. I handed my cup to a man sitting with like 10 teenagers said "you may need this" and we left.

I agree it was probably the best idea. The next morning when we came back to hopefully actually see the movie, I was so hung over and tired I couldn't even stand the smell of the popcorn. I stood against the wall breathing only through my mouth waiting for tiffany to use the bathroom when an official looking 17 yr old approached me.
"Oh good your back." He said smiling a huge grin.
"Ah yep." I said. Did I know this guy?
"That's great" he said still smiling ear to ear."let's try to behave ourselves this time shall we?" And he dropped his smile.

I turned bright red as it dawned on me who he was. I blushed, lowered my head and said "yes sir."

Like some creepy evil villain he stared right at me and said "well let's just hope so. Do enjoy your movie." And he turned and walked away.

Asshole. I thought as I concentrated hard on not puking.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I shouldn't be aloud to nap. It does the complete opposite of what I want it to do. It does not refresh me or make me feel better or put me in a better mood. I always wake up sick to my stomach, grumpy and tireder. No wonder babies cry when they wake up. Naps suck. I'm gonna start crying too. But mainly cause I slept in a pile of cat vomit and didn't realize it till I woke, which I only woke cause the dog was shoving me to try and get to it to eat it. I hate animals.

And there is this GODDAMN FLY WHO NEEDS TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT buzzing around my room with such urgency he's giving me anxiety. No wonder everyone hates you flies. You really need to change how you sound. It's so fucking loud. Well that and that maggot thing is fucking gross. How bout trying to not have worms as babies. Your so stupid.

I hate my neighbors weekwacker and someone needs to tell him NOT TO MOW ROCKS. What the fuck is he doing out there? Every 4 seconds the mower stops cause it sounds like a small boulder got stuck in the blades. Then he starts it back up and it happens again. For like a half hour this has been going on. Who mows rocks? Oh and hay fucker, figure it the fuck out and stop Jesus christ. Obviously this isn't working. Fucking moron. I actually hate you.

This old lady was walking by my front yard yesterday while I was killing a tree and she stopped and said "that tree is probably older than you. What a shame to destroy it. I've seen it everyday on my walk for years." I sighed picked up my axe and said "I don't care. I hate old things." And started hacking away. My two pitbulls started jumping and barking like maniacs on the screen door and I screamed while hacking "shut up Killer! Get down off the screen Capt. Hate! Bad dogs! You break down that door again and I swear I'll kick your ass this time!" And the little old lady gasped and, I guess her version of quickly, walked away. I smiled to myself cause of course my dogs were just trying to get out to say hi but I wanted miss snoopy bad breath outta here. Mind your own beeswax missy! That tree was really stupid anyway.

My parents were never friends with our neighbors when we were kids. In truth I have to wonder if this is because they had "5 shitty kids and a fuckload of pets" as my dad said was the reason or because they just hate people. I'm starting to think its the second since when I talked to my dad yesterday he said "my fucking neighbor came over and asked for some sugar. What year is this? There are literally stores everywhere. I told him we've none to spare and that I saw some at safeway yesterday. I then put the dogs in the front yard so noone else would stop by. I'm having the doorbell removed." he added later that "someone said hello to me when I went to the mailbox. Jesus Christ can't I get a moments peace?"

The neighborhood my parents live in is super stupid. It's got one of those things where ya gotta pay fees and follow their rules. My dad tryed to paint the house once and the homeowners president came by and told my dad he didn't approve the color through them. My dad said "its brown. It was brown before. Are you saying I actually have to ask YOU what color I can paint MY house? Are you fucking kidding me?" So because she had the nerve to say something my dad left the house half painted for a yr. The board members would gather near the house and talk quietly shaking their heads. My dad would just go outside and turn on the sprinklers..which were aimed at the street.

Another time he had a load of beauty bark in his truck and he had parked the truck in the grass so it was closer to where he was spreading it. The members left a nice note on the windsheild explaining no vehicle could be parked in ones lawn. So my dad took out the battery, left a note saying "tough shit its broke." And it stayed there through the summer. The five of us kids used it as a jungle gym. Ahhhh what a sight.

Speaking of beauty bark my father has this on going war with his yard. Especially the little hill in the lawn. He buys tons of rocks and beauty bark each year and slowly takes away more grass each time. He says the grass doesn't grow because of the trees keeping out the light and they keep throwing their needles and pine cones on it. Each year more grass has been removed and more rocks have been added. I think he just looked for excuses not to be inside with his family. Maybe I think this because he used to say "I'm going outside to work in the yard. I can't stand you people." I wonder.

My dad also spent a fait amount of time at the dump. And for some reason he always made us go. It sucked. Half of us were in the back of the truck with the garbage while the other half sat up front with dad and his huge white dog Mitzi. She always got the window seat and she would hang her head out and drool and coat anyone in back who sat on that side. I got plastered once and yelled "I need a napkin! Mitzi drooled on me!" To which my dad yelled back "its only spit! Her mouth is cleaner than yours stop complaining!"

It smelled horrible at the dump. My dad would set us free while he unloaded the truck yelling at us not to eat anything (Seriously.) And to keep an eye on his dog. That dog sucked about listening and my dad kept her on a rope that burned like a mother fucker. She would throw all her weight into her run (she was very, very fat) and the rope would slip through your hands causing such pain that you had to let go. I wonder what it must of looked like to other people. Just a fun family day at the dump. 5 kids chasing down a giant fat dog as their dad yells swear words at them and calls them useless. Yay!

But fear not people for we kids were not stupid. See we knew the dairy queen was out by the dump and if there is one thing my dad can't resist, its sweets.

We would drop suttle hints here and there to plant the idea of dairy queen in his head."smells like ice cream." One might say taking a wiff.(bad idea if still at dump...this had to be timed right or you could vomit from inhailing rotten fumes.) "Mitzi looks hot she could use some ice cream." Or "dad what's your favorite ice cream flavor?" Or "dad can we have dairy queen?" If he wasn't paying attention. It always worked. We always got some. It was hard work but hey, nothings free.
I went to publish a story and it said "your post has been successfully deleted!" Fuck you! I do all this shit on my now cracked ass screen phone and it takes forever and then....delete. fucking computers! Little or big they piss me off. My husband says its because I'm mad they are smarter than me. Well he's gonna be mad I'm more vindictive than him cause I put salt on his pb and j sandwich i made him this morning. Alot. Like I covered the peanut butter till it was white and I left a sticky note in it that said "love Molly."


As much as I try to be a good wifey and friend I always turn out the bad guy in the end. When my husband proposed I was such a Dick he left the resturant. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. He showed up on Valentine's Day at my house with a suit on and some flowers. I had just got off work and was so hung over I could barely stand up. He said "I made reservations. Would you like to change?" I got all pissed and yelled "OH YOU'D LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU? WHAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?" Fear crossed his face and he scrambled to calm me down."no no" he said "you look fine." And we left. He in a suit. Me in torn jeans and a flannel covered in bleach spots. Oh and according to quint I smelled slightly of vomit.

Anyhow as soon as we walked into the resturant I knew I was gonna hurl. All I could think of was eggs with chicken baby parts in um and rare beef bleeding onto my plate. But I tryed hard to fight the urge, after all, I'm a lady.

We sat down and q ordered a bottle of wine. Ok. A. Fuck that shit this lady drinks beer. And B. This lady was too Hung over to even smell it. But I'm a trooper so I plugged my nose and downed the first glass.

"Oh." Quint said."well that's one way to drink it." And he swirled his and downed his glass too.

Surprisingly, it made me feel better. We started to chat and I could see q lighten up. We ordered our food and he grabbed my hand and said "close your eyes."

"Why? are you going to hit me?" I said. Now see when I was a kid if one of my brothers or sisters said close your were gonna open them to a butthole in your face or a snake being hurled at you. Fuck close your eyes.

Q just stared at me and after a moment said " I have a present for you." And blushed.

Rad. i love presents.

I did as I was told and I held out my hand. He put a small figure in it and i felt it over and over and said "is it a small statue of a dog?" (One track mind.)

"Just open your eyes." Q said and i could tell he was smiling.

I did and in my hand was a blue heart shaped box with a pink bow on top. Gay.

"What the fuck is this?" I said and opened it up.

Inside was a beautiful ring with stones all the way around it.

I looked up and quint and I said "what's this for?"

Quint looked at me, slowly got up, and left.

Um. I watched him go out the door and I said "hello? What's happening?"

The waiter came over totally annoyed and said "looks like he was proposing." And basically threw my food at me.


I sat there for like a half hour and decided I actually was a little hungry so I started to eat. But mainly I was scared shitless cause um, I didn't have my wallet and q had literally still not come back.

The waiter came back annoyed said "anything else?" And I whispered "no thanks." And he threw down the check.

I sat there wondering when to rum for it when q came back in tie undone, jacket off and super angry. I smiled and said "thank god. I don't have any money."


I looked around and everyone was staring at me. I stood up, grabbed the ring box and said "sorry." In a little voice and gave him a hug. He stood perfectly still and said "wait for me outside." And he went to pay. As I walked out people we shaking their heads at me and mumbling "she's a bitch" as I made my way for the door.
We got in the car and I said "I really am sorry. I didnt know you were gonna ask me." And I took the ring out and said "will you marry me?" And I handed it to him. Q shook his head smiled and said "of course I will molly." And he took the ring and put it on my finger.

I looked up at my fiance and said "it doesn't fit." And I opened the car door and threw up.

Monday, August 9, 2010

When q isn't here I pretty much slack on the upkeep of the house work. I spend my evenings drinking a lot of beer blasting Bon Jovi or nada surf or something fucking Rad and I walk around in my pjs all damn day yo. He's gone a lot so.......its a good time.

I usually try to clean right before he leaves and then the day before he comes back. But the days in between I have my own system and it works just fine. I got all sick and shit this last time he was gone so i hadn't cleaned before he got back. I had washed some laundry and I knew what was clean and dirty and i told him which pile was which, but when I just went to do the laundry I noticed some dirty socks in the clean pile.

"Have you been throwing dirty clothes in this pile?" I asked picking up one of his gross sewer socks.

"Dunno." Q said watching the game.
"Well can ya check cause I can't tell what's clean or dirty." I said.
Q rolled his eyes and said "just smell um." And went back to his game.
What am I a bloodhound?
"Gross. Fuck no." I said.
"why is it gross?" Q said sounding offended.
Um need I explain?
"What do you mean?" I asked showing him a pair if his undies." What if these are dirty?"
"So what if they are? I'm your husband." Quint said straight up hurt.
I stood there staring at him not understanding."what the fuck does it matter who you are?" I said. "In case you haven't noticed these are underwear. I am not going to stick my face into these and smell to check to see if they are clean. Your butthole rubs on these quint. I am well aware that your my husband but your shit still smells like shit and there is not fucking way! Fuck it. I'll just rewash everything!" And I threw the whole lot in a hamper and turned for the laundry room.

Q jumped up and grabbed the hamper and reached inside. He pulled out his undies shoved them to his face and said "wow. Those are really dirty. Now was that so hard?"

No comment.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


I woke up at 5:30 am with so much anxiety I wanted to scream. It may have something to do with the nightmare I was having which was of me and quint fighting and I couldn't get my phone to work to give him a piece of my mind. When I woke i was pissed at him so I shoved him hard and he said "I know you had a bad dream about me honey, you yelled FUCK YOU QUINT in your sleep. But for the 100th time that was A DREAM please don't take it out on me."


So I throw the dogs, cat and collection of raw hide bones the dogs hide in my bed to the floor so I could actually get out of bed and start to pace. Unlike a lot of people when I stress have anxiety or get depressed, I can't eat. It makes me gag. The smell of food sets me off. I want to read, but I finished my book last night and need to get a new one. But target isnt open yet and oh that's right I'M FUCKING BROKE.

The real reason for my anxiety. In this last week I have had a lot of super fun exciting things happen! (Sarcasm folks) I got the last of my hospital bills for my liam removal yesterday. This one is 1700$. Yay. Also got the bill for my husbands lawyer whom he hired to fight his x in court for two yrs to stop her from relocating with their son, and when she did finally move, she came back 3 months later and we now owe a lawyer 6000$. Yayer. On Thursday I got a call from a collection agency that my husband never paid some bill and they needed money ASAP to avoid court."its only 320$ now to keep it from going to court then 320$ two more times before the end of Sept." The guy said. Yippy! On Tuesday I got pulled over for speeding cause my dog Alabama was barking at this guy on a motorcycle as he followed us so i was trying to get away from him and i swear to god he made every weave and bob in traffic i did the asshole so I tryed to out run him and got popped. Apparently that isn't a good enough reason for going 85 in a 60. The police officer was nice enough to at least write that i was only going 65 so the ticket was for only 93$. Oh and he laughed so hard the whole time at my reason for speeding that he said i made his day. Oh yeah make mine and rip this the fuck up would ya? This bitch can learn from just a warning thanks. Dick. On Monday I broke my phone cause it was in my pocket when I went to sit in my car and it dropped 12 inches onto gravel and shattered the screen. Wtf? I have dropped this phone down flights of stairs, had it chewed on by a dog, been 2 yr old boy who screams mine tested, and dropped in the tub. But a low fall from a foot up? Apparently the deal breaker. And this phone is my life, my work and my escape. Oh and of course I waved the insurance when i bought it cause "oh I dont need that". It's like I forget who I am sometimes. I am the girl who walks a straight line and falls down. Sober. Poor phone. Never stood a chance. On Friday q told me he needs a new radiator, and on Wednesday I got a call from a client who is moving so she will no longer be requiring my services. She's my 400$ a month job. Yippy skippy!

I need a beer. Anyone wanna join me?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

i think its august 7th?

Anyhow I have decided to start writing here daily and also writing my stories. It keeps me on it more and honestly people I love it so the more the better for me.

I will start by telling you of my exciting adventure on the bremerton-Seattle ferry this morning.(insert sarcasm and fist clenching here.)

I sat down in this little closed off area hoping to be alone. A ferry worker walked by and stopped when he saw me.
"This is the handicap seating ma'am." he said staring at me.
"And?" i said staring up at him.
"And as you look like you have no disability and there are hundreds of other seats on this boat I would ask that you please find another seat."
"And i would ask," I said in my best holier than thou voice "that you stop assuming things and be on your way. havent you someone else to bother?" and i smiled smuggly to myself.
He turned red, shook his head and walked away. Hahahahahaha. I hate ferry workers. They just love to boss ya around. They act like your are bothering them when you drive aboard. They wave their arms all annoyed like and get pissed when you acidentaly leave on your lights while driving on. When you order a beer that they have to pour they act like you are asking for one of their lungs, and that you want it removed on the spot. I know for a fact they make a shit ton of money and all they are are glorifiyed parking attendents and cashiers. Plus, i know that legally he cant ask me what my dissability is, so he can just fuck right the fuck off. Well, I mean its not like i have one, but seriously the disabled have the best seats and its not like i wouldnt move if one climbed, or wheeled or whatever aboard.

Stoked that i wasnt going to be harassed any further, i got out my book to start to read. I got all of two lines read when some swaying obviously drunk asshole staggered in and sat down right next to me, while the other 4 people boarded the boat. Maybe im exaggerating, there may have been only 2 others. Wtf. This boat was seriously empty. I sighed. Its 7:20am i thought. He's already wasted. Awesome. I gathered my things spoke under my breath in only swear words about people this people that, and got up to move.

"Are you going to the cafeteria?" The asshole that sat next to me asked.
I shook my head while I rolled my eyes. (Oh and thought....what the fuck does that matter?)
"Can I come with you then?" A-hole asked.
"Come with me where?" I said looking around like I was crazy.
"To the cafeteria." A-hole said.
I just stood there staring. What was happening?
"I fancy coffee and a donut this morning." A-hole said smiling."thank you." And he stood up next to me.
I couldn't stop staring because I was honestly so fucking confused. Did I know this dude? I mean, let's be honest, I enjoy drinking in some pretty interesting establishments and quite possibly this murdererish looking man could of been in one once and we spoke and by the time i woke up the next morning, i had no memory of it. But I know for a fact I wasn't in one last night and even if i was, I highly doubted I promised someone breakfast. And on a ferry of all places. Where everything is marked up 600%.

"i um...." i said slowly backing away "i um....i was going to the restroom."
"oh good." he said. " i have to go to." and he started to follow me with his hand held out in front of him like he wanted me to take it.

Allrighty then.

Now we have a problem.

My murderer radar was in full effect and i was starting to panic. I have been wrong before, but i was pretty sure this dude was a MAN not a WOMAN and he wasn't dressed in drag of any kind so.....unless I was missing something this was really really unexceptable.

My fear started to turn into full on anger. I started to get really pissed. I should be aloud to be on a ferry and not be harrassed by these fucking people! Just because i am a woman does not mean that I have to live my life in fear of this shit!

"fuck off asshole!" i shouted. "What are you a pervert?" and he recoiled in disgust.

"Ahhhh....." he stammered. "Ahhhhh no ma'am. Its just that the ferry worker said you would help me if i needed it, i have misplaced my cane....... I'm blind."

of course he was.

I just stood and stared at the guy.

I heard someone laugh and I looked to my right and there was the ferry worker smiling like the cheshire cat.


Monday, July 19, 2010

good doggy

Even though I eat shitty my dogs do not. I try to buy them the best dog food I can find. Not that they eat it without me adding scrambled eggs or mac 'n cheese (stouffers only. Thanks. Oh and is this microwaved? We don't like it that way. Yucky pooey. Now we have to spit our mouthfuls out on the carpet as we tip our bowls over in protest.) but none the less, they don't get the cheap-o, diseased, corn infested crap. Only the best for my spoiled ass dogs. (little cuties. I love dogs with personality and attitute. A little side note real quick, my dad has this dog Ivy, she's a noweigan elkhound and super attitudey but she is also the smarest dog on earth. I swear to this. I have only met one other dog as smart as her, my old dog Regi. But, anyway, Ivy, she learned everything I taught her the very first try. In 10 minutes I taught her to sit, shake, speak, other paw, and stay. When I told my dad he said "don't teach her anymore. I want a dog not a fucking circus monkey." All righty then.)

I used to cook for my dogs back in the day. Well specifically for one of my dogs Kade. (He was this huge black and white dog the size of a pony. He was like a black German shephard/dalmation mix. Originally I wanted a brown female dog. I looked everywhere for one with no luck. Then one day my sister danielle took me to the pound and she saw puppy kade and said "I found it!" And pointed to kade. Um......he was exactly wrong so of course he was perfect.) Thing is at 2 Kade was diagnosed with epilepsy. Poor guy also had allergies to everything including dogfood. If he had a reaction, he would seize. No fun for anyone so i started controlling what he ate in order to control his health.

I experimented with all sorts of shit. I switched up the meats and the the fruits and veggies. I used different color combos to get just the right vitamins and recorded everthing in a binder to remember what he liked and didn't. That dog loved pumpkin, carrots, bananas, strawberries, peppers, apples, watermelon, potatoes, and celery. He hated beets (can you blame him), blueberries, yellow squash, broccoli, kale and cantalope.
I tryed to do something different every week or so because honestly how boring would it be to eat the same thing everyday? Fuck that.

One day I made him raw chicken with pumpkin, apples and a new one to try out, peas. He LOVED it. Gobbled it down with out chewing i swear to god. I recorded peas in my journal of Kade approved foods.

It was a beautiful summer day and so on my lunch break I decided to take kade for a walk. I had no concept of leashes back in the day. ( I never walked kade on one. I got my license suspended because I had over a thousand dollars in dog off leash tickets. Oops.) and he honestly didn't need one. He didn't care about other dogs, in fact he avoided them. He stopped at all intersections and waited for me and he was super friendly to everyone he met. Leash smeash.

I was living in Seattle at the time up in the Roosevelt district. (Which, in my opinion, rules.) We decided to go to Revenna park, Kades favorite place, and so we headed down 12th ave to 65th.

We whistled and skipped the 5 blocks down to 65th. It was a really nice day and everyone was outside enjoying the sun. The mexican resturant across the intersection had its sidewalk blocked off for outside eating and its smelled fucking good and was crowded as hell. (I had to grab kade by his collar and whisper sweet nothings of how i'd kick his fucking ass if he stole anyone's food. Kade was such a good boy like that.)

When we got to the intersection I looked from left to right over and over till I saw an opening in the nonstop flow of cars and said "let's go!" to kade and ran into traffic.

Ok. So. We come to the point in the story where there are is a couple of things you should know. Kade is a champion street shitter.(It's the only place he will poo.) And dogs evidently don't digest peas.

I was at a sprint walk looking back at kade making sure he was right behind me when he started to slow and arch his back.

Of fucking course.

I started frantically waving my hands at cars to stop as kade slowly walk squatted. Cars started honking and people started yelling "get your dog buddy!" (Here's the thing. I know I don't dress all girly, but what the fuck is with that? I am literally, constantly, being mistooken for a man. This is not an ego boost. Fuck.) Kades eyes got really wide as this low hissing sound started excaping from his ass.

I grabbed Kades collar and started to pull him."Let's do this if your gonna mother Fucker." I said. "Shit or get out of the fucking road right fucking now. Here we are kade, in the MIDDLE OF GODDAMN STREET, holding up cars. You are off leash and I'm breaking laws here so let's fucking go."

Kade realized i was way pissed but grunted and whistle farted on. What the fuck did he eat that fucking him up? I yanked on the collar hard and he yanked back popping his head out of it.

That's when the first pea came shooting out like a giant bb and bounced off the ground 4 ft away.

"JESUS!" I yelled as I jumped back. Kades eyes were like saucers as he slowly walk squatted and shot peas and diareah out his ass. He started making small circles cause he kept trying to look back at his ass.

I was jumping all over the place trying to avoid being sprayed. "holy shit stop kade! Fucking stop!" I screamed.

People were gasping and screaming at me. I tryed to push him but fuck that I wasn't getting behind that ass. peas and shit shards were spraying a good two feet behind him. And because Kade wasn't on leash, or currently have a fucking collar on (rotten ass dog) I couldnt yank him out of traffic.

"I'm sorry!" I started yelling at the cars. "its the peas! IT'S THE PEAS! I'm sorry!" I had both lanes of 65th stopped as kade moved as fast as a fucking exploding slug. A woman in a car started screaming as she clung to her husband. Children were crying and asking why? Why? The sun was boiling the ocean, monks sat out and prayed, the birds all flew away and time stood still. basically I was so fucking horrified I thought this was the single worst moment of my life.

Until the patrons of the Mexican restaurant saw what was happening.

Everyone sitting outside was staring in horror. People started running inside and leaving their food.(refryed beans looked a lot like what was coming out Kades ass. I'm just sayin.) Someone gaged, loudly.

"Don't do that!" I screamed at the crowd."You'll make me puke!" and I started heaving.( the sound of people heaving sets me the fuck off.)

"Like I fucking care bitch!" Someone yelled."get your fucking dog!"

"I'm trying!" I yelled. "Calm down! he can't help it! It's the peas!" I mean seriously. The dog had straight up diareah. Explosive even if you count the peas. Which were still shooting out of his ass like Roman candle duds.

People were starting to get really pissed and the resturant owner yelled at me to pick it up.

What? How? I got out my plastic bag and just started at the a sponge this wasnt gonna wk.

"No...with this!" The resturant owner said and brought out the hose.

You have got to be kidding me.

I grabbed the hose and stared at the street. There was kade slowly shit walking just taking his time. Fuck him. I thought. And Iaimed the hose at my beloved dog."sorry buddy but I hate you." I said and I sprayed him.

He instantly stopped shitting and ran for the sidewalk. Oh would ya look at that! All done now are we? Fucking dog. Poo was everywhere. I started randomly spraying the street as cars slowly tryed to manuver around the mess.

"Sorry, the peas. Sorry." I mumbled to car after car of angry people. You know for a p.c. town that brags about their politeness and exceptence, they sure don't extend that graciousness to just anyone. Guess you gotta be forgein or a bum cause this white girl with a street shitting dog learned a lot of new swear words, hand gestures and what I could go fuck myself with. Jeez.

Realizing I was doing no good with the hose I turned around to apologize to the resturant and grab my shitdog just in time to witness that Kade had knocked the little fence down around the outside eating area and was cleaning peoples plates.

"Bad dog! Bad dog!" A lady started yelling.

"Oh fuck this." I said under my breath and threw down the hose.

I grabbed kade by the neck and yanked him back. He started screaming like he was being beaten. I slipped his collar on and tryed to drag him away. But he wouldn't budge. He just stood there screaming and yanking back like i was trying to drag him to his death.

"nice way to treat your dog." This guy said judging me.

People started nodding their heads and mumbling about what a shitty owner i am.

That was it. I was pissed. It's not like I was enjoying this adventure. "You wanna take a crack at it buddy?" I said reaching my limit."then go ahead! He's all yours!" And I let go of Kades collar and started to walk away.

Nobody moved not even kade.

I made it 2 blocks away when kade went running past me after a squirrel in front of a dude on his bike. He swerved to avoid hitting kade and crashed into a hedge.

Maybe I should retry this leash thing. I thought. As I took off running in the opposite direction.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

10 reasons i hate my dogs

1. They lick their butts and then look at me and wag their tails. It makes me feel inappropriate.

2. They step in their own shit. It doesn't matter that I pick it up everyday or that we have a huge yard. They have shit magnets on their feet. I swear it.

3. The only way they will eat dog food is if the other one did accidentally and then vomited it up. Then they take turns eating the vomit.

4. They lay directly in front of the fan and then any air I get is shit air.

5. Joey, my boy, learned how to open doors. When I get home from wk I now have shitfeet, gasbag, asshole dogs passed out on my bed. This is, of course, is because they are so tired from cleaning off the counters with their tongues, chewing holes in my 2500$ white leather couch, knawing on my window sills, burying things in my house plants and chewing up god knows what and leaving it all over the house all day. Poor babies.

6. They bark nonstop at things such as, oh I don't know, plastic bags and pine cones. You know scary stuff.

7. The girl dog, Alabama, is incontinent. She has to take medication twice daily to stop pissing on everything. She hates this medication and will not take it. She spits them out or clamps her mouth shut. She runs from me and If I'm lucky enough to catch her and get one down her throat, its only after we have destroyed a handful of them trying. The month long bottles only last me 2 weeks because of this shit and they cost 50$ a bottle. Oh and if I don't get any down her throat, the only place she pisses is my bed.

8. They love to give us kisses but only after they drink toilet water.

9. If you choose to have privacy while using the bathroom and close the door, they scratch at it, throw their bodies at it and scream like they are dying. When you finally open the door, they run past you and bark and growl at the tub. Seriously.

10. They are my very best friends and my loves. They only live for a decade or so if I'm lucky. When they go my heart breaks and I miss them so much it hurts. Why do they have to be so perfect and cute and wonderful? Damn dogs.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So....if you've ever been in downtown Bremerton, over by the ferry, then you've been lucky enough to see the bar called the Drift Inn.

It's where I am now, enjoying a pretty cold beer actually. From the looks of the place you'd think it would be warm as piss. The people watching and general entertainment of this place are reason enough to stay, so ice cold cheap beer is just an awesome added bonus.

I can't speak for the men's restroom, but the women's is fucking scary. There's a narrow walkway to the toilet and sink and it smells like the bottom of a fish tank. The door to the stall doesn't close and the toilet leaks. The writing on the walls is all about what number to call to get whatever you want sucked, blown, or fucked, about who's a whore or a cunt, and who may or may not be someone's daddy. There's never any soap or paper towels and if you happen to be in there when some of the "locals" are, they donot recognize common courtesies such as "excuse me", "I'm sorry", "sorry I was in line" or "I SAID THERE'S SOMEONE IN HERE." Basically its pottying at its finest.

They don't take anything but cash and the ancient cash machine inside charges you 3+ to withdraw. They don't make pretty drinks and the bartender would probably spit in it if she did because you made her make it. If you need a drink, you have to be aggressive and be willing to get dirty looks from the regulars because you interupted their conversation with the bartender about all the important stuff in the world like how much pork is at the Super Walmart.

Speaking of the regulars, I've just been informed that I can get a 15$ blow job from the 60yr old handicapped woman with a speach impediment sitting 2 seats down. I cannot, however, get it in the establishment anymore so we will have to go to the alley or my car. In lieu of
payment, I can just buy her a few drinks cause thats what shes giving the blow jobs for anyhow.

Ah, that's ok. I'll pass.

You can apparently smoke anything you want in here too, according to my neighbors "rolled cigarette". The stale air is thick with b.o. and smoke and the shitty fan at the door is blowing a steady steam of both plus chunks of dust into my eyes and beer. Seems like anything goes here except for sitting on the tables which will get you kicked out by the regulars and 86ed by the bartender. Snorting coke in the bathroom? Oh that's ok. Just be prepared to be yelled at and told to go back to "yo mamas nasty ass house you stupid ass bitch" if you walk in on this being done when you finally decide to break the seal and take a piss in their scary ass bathroom.

Putting money in the jukebox is pointless, because I think it has been loaded up about 30+ years ago. Don't get me wrong, i love classic rock but how many times do I really have to listen to baracuda in an hour?

I have been asked by a few old men if I'd like to sit in their lap or watch them play pool (as have every girl in here) and have had 2 "ladies" ask me "what the fuck are you looking at bitch?" I simply smile or shrug and keep my eyes down when someone looks at me. I feel it may be the only way to stay alive.

All in all spending 6 dollars for a nice buzz and some cold beer on a 90 degree day ain't bad and I have to smile to myself because truth is...

This is my kind of bar.

Friday, July 2, 2010

f you sandman

The other night I had a dream that my brother Andy had this little metal kitten. It didn't have a mullet or anything it was actual metal, like a robot. I asked him if I could pet it and he said "sure but it bites." I shrugged my shoulders and said "whatevez little bro. I iz good wit da kittycats." (I guess I talk like those fucking cheezeburger cats in my dreams. They are so annoying. Cute pictures though.) I picked up the cat and started petting it and it spun around in my hands like a fucking demon, latched on to my finger, and bit fucking HARD.

It was weird cause I knew I was dreaming but it hurt so fucking bad. I kept telling myself to wake up. I could taste metal, like I was biting the cat, not it me. Or was it blood? I started shaking my hand and couldn't get the fucking hell cat off. I tryed prying its mouth open with my other hand when I sprang awake.

And my mouth was full of blood as I was biting off my own finger.

So, now I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear I'll eat myself. That and the fact I have nightmares about every single fucking night. In truth that metal cat making me bite off my finger has nothing on some of the horrifying things and sheer torture my brain puts me through each night.

Maybe its all the abuse I've made it suffer but its definatly out to get me. And honestly I'm scared I'm gonna wake up half naked in the street hitting the pavement with a towel shouting "the fire! The fire! We have to put out the fire!" (In truth, I thankfully couldn't open the front door when I had this dream or q says that's what would of happened.) Once I was woken up by q while I was peeing in a hamper.(he said "are you peeing in the hamper?" I looked at where I was, felt my face flush red and said "no." When he saw the piss leaking out of the bin he said "well do you mind telling me what that is?" I told him it was cat pee. And when he said "then can you tell me why you sitting with your pants around your ankles in a hamper on top of cat pee?" I had no answer.) I have woken up drenched in sweat time and time again because I've almost drowned, been murdered, kidnapped, lost my dogs, couldn't scream, breathe......or well, I think you get the picture. Basically I hate sleeping because eventually I'm fucking certain I'm gonna encounter Freddy Krugar and he's gonna shred me to pieces. I mean seriously. So sleep and I are not good friends and I have beautiful blackish purple eyecircles to prove it. (I'm so pretty.)

When I was a kid I used to have dreams I was blind. I would wake up in a panic rubbing my eyes to make sure I could still see. It happened a lot and it became something I was honestly scared of. I was so sure this was my future I decided to make peace with it and train my other senses to make my transition to blindness a smooth ride.

I would walk around the house with my eyes closed teaching myself every turn, furniture placement, and count my steps from each room. I would drag my hand along the wall to memorize every bump and bend in the drywall so I could tell where I was just by the feel. I would sit on the stairs and listen to everyone's movement below and try to place the noise with the human.

Quiet rustling of 5,000,000 jelly braclets on someone's arm. That would be Alli.
Loud wet mouthy breathing. That's Andy.
Sounds like an elephant walking around. That's Buzzo.
Evil laughing behind me right before being shoved down said stairs. Good ole Brent.
Shit like that.

I started keeping my side of me and Alli's room spotless giving everything its place. I started hiding my treasures and favorite things so that my brothers and sisters couldn't steal from me. I was so convinced that if I was blind my siblings would dress me up like a retard and prance me around town to be made fun of, I cut marks in the tags of my clothes to let me know its color.(ya know like yellow had one cut, blue two, shit like that.)

One morning I came walking eyes closed into the kitchen for breakfast counting off the steps to my seat at the table. I could sense the presence of my shithead little brother Andy (he literally sounded like there was a constant supply of flem in his mouth) and no one else. I addressed him with a nod.

"Why are your eyes closed?" Andy asked.
I sighed, shaking my head at his stupidity and said "practicing being blind."
"Why?" Andy said.
"So I know what its like." I said.
"Why?" Andy asked.
"BECAUSE." I said.
"Because why?" Andy asked and I could hear a smile in his voice.
"Just because." I said.
"Just because why?" Andy said starting to giggle.
"Just fucking because that's fucking why." I said and I heard Andy gasp.
I smiled knowing I got him. I was on a different level than him. I was facing a life changing disability that could strike at any minute. He knew nothing of what I was going to have to endure. How stupid my little brother was. How annoying and stupid.

With my eyes still closed I reached for the cereal box and someone grabbed my arm. I opened my eyes in surprise and saw my dad sitting next to a grinning Andy having breakfast. (milk was literally dripping out of his mouth. Seriously? So fucking gross.)


Dad yanked me out of my seat and dragged me to my room. Kicking Alli out, he sat me on my bed and said "so you want to be blind huh?"

Surprised I wasn't being killed I said "no but I know I'm gonna be when I grow up dad so I've been practicing."

My dad just stared at me. Finally he said, "sounds good. I'll buy you a cane. Until then your grounded. So for your sake I hope it comes soon." And got up to leave.

Wait...what? "I'm grounded till I go blind?" I said starting to panic. What if it took months?

"That or when you apologize to your brother and clean his room as your punishment for the swearing." And left the room.

"Well fuck that." I said under my breath and laid down in my bed and waited for darkness.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

this is what happens when i watch fraiser.

Ah the life.
Does it get any better than this?

I hate not having a computer. I do all of my writing here on my phone. My eyeballs are screaming at me. My thumbs are tired of doing all the work and I keep pressing the wrong button and deleting different things, like say all my contacts.

But the price of everything adds up and when I get my bills each month I am horrified by all the shit I have to pay for. Cable, lights, heat, phones, gas, cars, insurance, house, food, credit cards, dogs.

But I gotta. And when I hear I may have to pay one more for a service I'm already paying for on my phone I just can't do it (and quint won't let me anyhow.)

So I need an excape other than my beautiful writing.(haha). Well I mean besides drinking. Oh or my dogs. Or my vampires. Or my music. Or...fuck it I just want to go on fucking vacation.

I want to go to Hawaii and lay in the sun on the beach for 7 days and not worry about a god damn thing except should I drink vodka or rum tonight? Q is on bored. He is ready to "fucking go right now!" so I am trying to save the cash yo. But I tell you...its just not that easy. Things, expensive things, keep happening and well, I happen to love trinkets.

I cannot be stopped and I must be. I have to give myself little goals to avoid the loot stores. If I go a week with no purchases I can get one little thing the next week. That has never worked. I have trinketmania. Every counter, window sill, table, any open surface really, is covered with my loot. My things. My pretties.

I love them. Besides my dogs they are the only things in my will. Seriously. Because I'm loser and I have nothing. Yay!

Plus whoever gets my dogs is gonna be pissed because they have all these rules ya gotta follow, and well all my loot is either owls, dogs, yeah that's pretty much it.

I know what I want when my parents get on outta here. This painting of a murderer walking down a cracked sidewalk that reminds me of Illinois (BACK OFF ALLI), and the grandfather clock.

I love that grandfather clock. It is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Every 15 minutes it sounds off letting you know that one more hour of your life is almost over and you have done nothing bit sit on your ass wasting away being a loser. Or, oh, I'm sorry, I mean it sings a pretty song and....oh who the fuck cares.

I need a fucking vacation.

i bet

Q gets mad at me because when he is pissed I think its funny (then annoying). His face gets so red and he starts using his arms to explain everything and uses the words "literally" and "actually" in every sentence and bobs his head and paces the house and points a lot. He told me I'm an asshole for laughing at peoples pain and agony and I find that, if q is around, when people fall down or get hurt I have to hide my laughter cause he will lecture me loudly IN PUBLIC about how its just not nice to laugh at ones pain (TALK ABOUT THE FUN POLICE. JESUS.)

But seriously? How can that be true? I mean that's how those stupid shows about funniest home videos got famous. Come on. Every single one of them is about some one falling down, or hitting their nuts, or generally just hurting themselves or someone else. Q says its mean that I laugh when people get hurt and I say fuck that its a billion dollar industry and whatever, that shit is FUNNY. When Im feeling blue, I just think back and remember the victims face or awesome last words and I laugh hysterically at my inside joke and pep right on up.(this one time it was icy out and q said to me and my stepson payton, "wait here let me see if the driveway is icy." When he started down it he slipped, arms flailing, screaming "HELP ME!" and landed on his ass so hard his head danced around like a bobblehead. I had to cover my mouth and paytons to stop us from laughing. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he was ok my voice shook and he got all pissy cause I was laughing. Which made me laugh harder. Of course.) When I told Quint that I am not alone, that most people love to watch Americas funniest Home Videos because of the pain people were suffering, he said "no, its because of the host. Bob Saget."

Are you fucking kidding me?

Bob fucking Saget is the worst part of that show. It makes me want to punch him in the face and I hate the studio audience for laughing at him and egging him on.(However I must ask, have you ever seen his stand up though? It's awesome actually. That shit is straight up funny and dirty. I would have no respect for him if I had never seen his stand up on tv. Someone must of paid him big time to tell those fucked up jokes on AFHV. I don't even know how he can live with himself.)

Speaking of Mr.Bob, he performed once at this comedy club called Giggles that was down the street from my house when I lived in Seattle. Right next door to that, was the bar I always hung out at, Dante's. This bar was straight up frat boy shit, not my style, but my roomate worked there and they had awesome drink specials. (Oh and there was some great people watching in that joint. SERIOUSLY.)

I honestly had no idea Bob was performing there and in my inibriated state I must of subconsciously seen his name on the sign because while drinking with my friends I announced that "I found out who slashed my tires. It was Bob Saget." Out of nowhere just to be funny. I really did, the night before, get my tires slashed and I thought it might be this straight up bitch who I got in an argument with about how feeding your dog whiskey was fucked up. (she said "no it isn't he tries to hump everything. It's hilarious." And tried to show me pictures. Fucking gross whore.)

We all started laughing and the people at the table behind us said "that's a lie."

I turned around, looked at a large group of drunk ass frat boys, and said "no it isn't. We used to date and he's pissed I dumped him." And my table nodded in agreement.

"Oh really?" One of the guys said." I bet you 50$ your lying." And his table "hell yeah!"ed and high 5'ed.

Whatever. "Right on." I said and shook his hand cause really? How was he gonna prove that? For all he knew I was the fucking tooth fairy. Dumbass. Go ahead and prove it. Motherfucker just payed my tab yo.

"There he is now. I'm gonna go ask him if he knows you." The dude said and started to get up.

There who is? I thought and turned in the direction he was looking. And there surrounded by two huge black men was Bob Motherfucking Saget.

"No way...." I said not believing my eyes. Was I that wasted? I looked at my homies and my brother said "yep there he is. Molly go tell him to fuck off." And he whispered " fuck you Molly. We don't have 50$ and those dudes will totally kick our asses. So fucking go the fuck over there and make that shit look good." And shoved me off my seat.

What was happening? I thought as I walked toward my "x-boyfriend."

"I got this." I squeaked to the frat boy. He stopped, gestured me to go ahead, flashed me a huge grin and mouthed "50 dollars" And patted my back.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Well, here I goes. I thought. I got to Bob, tapped him on the shoulder and said "um, Bob? That was pretty shitty of you ya know, I realize your in love with me but you didn't have to slash my tires. We are over and you need to get over it." And I winked at him, turned towards my brother and friends and gave them a thumbs up.

Ok, now if you have ever seen my try to wink, I literally look like someone with a bad spasm and my whole face contorts and both eyes actually close but one just seems to stay open a wee bit cause I swear I can see outta it.

One of the huge black guys looked at Bob and said "you want me to throw her the fuck out?" And grabbed my arm.

The entire bar at this point had come to a complete halt. My brother and our friends were looking at me like I was crazy. Nicole was smiling like an insane person and the frat dudes were frozen in shock. Bob was just staring at me and so I winked again. He cringed back and said "no, its ok."

He walked right up to me bent down to meet my eyes and said "well maybe if you wernt such a whore, and fucked both my guys here," pointing to both huge black dudes "I wouldn't of had to fuck up your car." Then he straightened back up and crossed his arms over his chest.

I didn't even know what to do. We just stood there staring at each other when the huge guy holding my arm said "yeah you foxy little minx." And patted my ass.

I started to grin and Bob copied me. "Well, then." I said grinning from ear to ear "guess were even then." And held out my hand. "Friends?"

Bob took my hand kissed the back of it and said "friends. But I will always love you." And he winked at me and walked away.

Not only did I get 50$ and the satisfaction of watching those frat boys pay up, but Bob Sagett bought my table a round of drinks and told the waitress to tell me "hope it was as good for you as it was for me."

Oh Bob.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

things i've found in my yard

Small dead animals. All kinds, colors, and shapes. Usually missing a body part or two or in someone's vomit.

Small living animals. Usually in need of assistance. They make me scream and squirm and my toes curl and I can't move. It's horrifying.

My dog Joe's lightbulb collection.

All of my dirty underwear. Fucking Dogs.

My friend Charlie. Asleep. On a dog bed. Long story.

4 policemen. That's never a good sight.

A herd of cattle. I'm not joking. We tryed to catch them. Q said "the dogs will love um!"

My neighbors 6 yr. old son Buddy. when I asked him what he was doing he said "trespassing." All righty then.

12 inches of snow. Best day ever.
Well now. That was a shitty weekend.

It gave me a headache that won't go away. It pissed me off. It confirmed to me that opinions are indeed like assholes, everybody's got one. And more often than not, they are spouting said opinion out the fucking thing.

I'm over it. I am going to just start saying, "please shut the Fuck up. Thank-you." And go on my merry way. It's amazing to me that it has to come to that but than again, when in Rome.

Or more like when in Bremerton.

I tryed really hard to not be a Hater. I tryed to see the big picture and blah fucking blah blah. I honestly do love my house and neighborhood. I think I could love it here if I could just avoid most of the humans. The shit talking, backstabbing and general assholeness of some of these locals has me wishing I could pick my house up like a snail and say "later bitches."

But I can't so I guess I gotta just try to sort it out. I know, I'll make 2 piles. I will start throwing names in them and sticking to the labels I put them under. It's simple. It's all I got in order to survive here without going under. Or crazy. The people I will avoid and choose not to associate with will no longer register on my radar and life will be good.

Ha. Like its that easy. It's like They want you to feel like shit. They just stew up stuff dig their claws into you and force it down your throat. And all the while telling you they are your friend, and golly gee they were just trying to help.

Whatever. Shut up. Go away. Get over yourselves. Oh and Fuck Off.

I don't need friends that don't want to actually be friendly so no thanks. I don't need the fucking stupid self made drama this town feeds off of to keep it going. It's like a fucking shitty day of high school everyday here. Worst part is I can't figure out how to graduate and move on.

Oh well. Not much I can do about it but sit back and take my left foot out of this fucking stupid game of hokey pokey these people love so much. I am taking myself out of the game so kindly find someone else to play. Thanks.

Oh and Bremerton?


Thursday, June 24, 2010

i swear.

The other morning I told Quint to go fuck himself. He rolled his eyes and said, "grow up Molly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.(oh and stupid comeback btw.)

"It means you act like a kid. Do you ever listen to yourself? All you ever do is swear." And he walked out the door.

Whatever. And so what? I'm pretty sure that DOES make me a grown-up thank you very much. When I was a kid we couldn't swear AT ALL. It was my lifes goal to swear nonstop when I grew up. That would show my parents. I would be so cool. (it hasn't worked out so great yet)

Pissed (fucking pissed. Ha!) I opened the door, shut my eyes and yelled "CUSS WORDS! JUST LET UM FLOW! MOTHER FUCKER SHIT GODDAMN ASSHOLE!"

I heard a gasp and someone started laughing. When I opened my eyes I saw 7 children and their parents waiting at the bus stop. Oh, and a ghost white Quint with his mouth hanging open staring at me.

"Oops!" I said."Sorry."

Quint started to shake his head and turned for the horrified parents. I could hear him explaining about my awful, untreatable case of touretts.

It's not my fault I like to swear. I just do. I'm not stupid, I know I can't swear all the time (yes officer. I just didn't see the fucking stop sign.) And I honestly try not to around kids. (its not my fault there's a bus stop outside my house.) When my stepson Payton is here I have to pay him if i swear. It's a quarter for all words except motherfucker...that one will cost ya 50 cents. (last time my sister Danielle was here she handed him a 20 and said "that should cover me for a couple hours." MY SISTER RULES.)

Like I said, when we were kids we were not aloud to swear. Not like that's uncommon, but my dad seriously did all the time so it was hard not to copy him.(I called him a cocksucker once as a very small child. I had no idea what it ment. All I knew is my dad said it ALL THE TIME.)

My stepmom Linda especially didn't like it. She used words like "turkey" or "silly goose" to describe dumbasses. We all thought this was stupid. When we were out of the parents earshot, pretty much all we did was curse.

"Goddamn it Andy, your a fucking retard."
"Shut the fuck up Alli. your a bitch."
"Buzzo is a mother fucking dumbass."
"Brent sucks. He's such a fucking Asshole."
"Molly is a shithead cunt."
You get the picture.

One day Brent and I decided it was a really good idea to beat the shit out of each other. With each punch, kick, and Indian burn we swore at each other like sailors. When Linda caught us we thought our (silly) goose was cooked.

But it wasn't. She rjust sighed heavily.
"I'm tired of this."she said."do whatever you want. You turkeys never listen anyways." And turned to leave. Brent and I sat there stunned.
"Can we swear?" Brent asked.
"Can I stab him?" I asked.
Linda frowned looked at us and said "swearing yes, stabbing no. I don't care anymore." And walked away.

Brent and I grinned at each other like idiots. (like fucking idiots! LIKE FUCKING IDIOTS! We can swear!)

"Go upstairs and yell at me through the vent." Brent said (for some reason we all loved to talk through the vent but the parents never allowed it. They were so BORING.)

"Awesome." I said and ran upstairs.

I got to the vent and I laid down on my tummy,my chin resting on my crossed arms. I was so excited. Let the games begin!

"Hello bitch." Brent said.
"Hi Dick." I said.
"Stupid fucker!"
"Dumb fucker!"
"Shit eater!"
"I said dickhead!"
More silence.
"Brent?" I said "its your turn I said dickhead!"
Totally silent.
So I drew in a deep breath and yelled "MOTHER FUCKER!"
And I was picked up off the floor and dragged ten feet to my room and swiftly thrown in.
What was happening? Whats going on? I got to my feet and turned around to see what happened bumping right into my dad.

"Oh shit." I said. Slapping my hand across my mouth.
"Ya think?" My dad said."now, do you mind telling me WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"

I was going to die, I could see that now. This must of been why Brent wasn't answering. Poor guy. Dad had gotten him first. I shrugged my shoulders looked my dad and said "I don't know."

My dad hated this answer.

He was convinced only known liars, thieves and useless people (otherwise know as his children) used this phrase. And only when they were guilty.

"Ok, maybe you can tell me why you were screaming swear words down the vent." My dad said.
"Linda said we could." I told him.
My dad just stared at me.
"She did dad. It's true. Ask Brent." (If he was still alive that is.)
My dad just kept staring at me.
"Really. Just ask him." I said.
My dad sighed and sat down on my bed."when I walked in, I saw Brent. He said you've been like this all day and that you made Linda cry. I don't know what I'm going to do with you Molly, but Brent said next time he won't let you get so out of hand."

Who said what now?


My dad slowly got up, walked to my door and said "don't come out of here until tomorrow. No dinner. Only bathroom. You speak, its two days. Do you understand?"

I nodded tears welling up in my eyes. It wasn't fair. I didn't even do anything wrong. But in my house you were guilty until proven innocent.

I layed down on my bed and plotted Brents demise.

And then, faintly through my bedroom vent, I heard laughing and then a stupid assholes voice say "how's it going dumbass?"


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

happy day

Can't talk
Got dogs to walk
And they won't let me wait.
Thing is, picking up shit be the best part of my day.

I woke up late
With a huge headache
And forgot to dry my clothes.
So I had to wear Quintys things
And forgot a belt around the shorts.

My pants fell down in safeway
And a man said "do it again!"
Ran out of gas on the way to work
And while going home did it AGAIN.

I got bit by a dog
And like 20 mosquitos
I fell and hit my head.
I broke my phone
I ate old food
And found dog puke in my bed.
(Did I sleep with that?)

I lost 50$
It blew out the window
While speeding down the highway.
I cleaned for 6 hours
Homeowner came home
Said "No no! Now redo it my way!"

So now I'm home
And the dogs are HYPED
and I really do have to go.
And I cannot wait
To go to sleep
In my gross, dirty, puke ass home.
(On the couch. Fucking dogs.)

return to sender

Hey, did I ever tell you the time I went to the mall and LOST MY KEYS? It, I can assure you, wasn't any fun. I'm pretty sure I had been in almost every store and goddamn it...I guess I had to just start where I left off. What else could I do.

But 2 hours later, with no keys, super anxiety, a mall full of dumb useless bitches who were of no help, and vomit rising in my throat, I went back to my car to cry and cry and cry. Fortunately for me, the doors were unlocked.

So I got in.

And the keys were in the ignition.

It's not that I'm stupid I just don't think sometimes. I just run on auto pilot and things just happen. Jeez. And anyway it seems when I put my mind to something evil takes over and I leave a wake of tears and sadness behind me.

And sometimes....its super funny.

We moved to Washington when I was 7. Or 6. Which ever one you are in the 1st grade.(like I fucking know) Anyway we moved from Illinois. My sister Buzzo (her name was Danielle but supposively my dad lost a bet with his friend named Buzz and had to name his next born kid after him. Since she turned out to be a chick, he nicknamed her Buzzo. Whatever. My dad also told me our dogs were aliens, elephants would trample him if he took his necklace off, and that our babysitter was a witch who if we disobeyed would turn us into pumpkins. We spent the entire time hiding in the bathroom with buckets full of water to kill this fucking bitch.[wizard of oz yo] So basically my dads a liar. And this my friends is another story for another time.)

Where was I? Oh yeah so Buzzo was all bummed cause she was leaving her best friend Jennifer behind and it was sad. Whatever.

This Jennifer was a bitch. After we moved she never wrote Buzzo back or returned any of her calls. Buzzo was heart broken. And this set me up for the best prank ever. Seriously.

It was April 1st (April fools day) and like all good Americans I set out to hurt the ones I loved.

I stole an envelope from my stepmom and snuck up to my room. I shared it with my sister Alli, so i had to hurry before she came back in and ratted me out. (We were all born tattle talers, it was the only way to get anywhere in this family.) I got out some of my school paper and set down to write a very sweet, very apologetic, very fake letter to my dear sister Buzzo from her dear best friend Jennifer.

It was brilliant. In my best penmanship "Jennifer" told Buzzo all about school, their other friends, and her dog Fucker (I cant remember its name and I have literally been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to remember and its not coming so Fucker it is) "Jennifer" apologized for her absence and lack of communication and asked if they could pick up where they left off. RADICAL.

I patted myself on the back and put the letter inside the envelope. I snuck into my sisters room and found her stupid Hello Kitty address book and found bitch ass Jennifers address, wrote it and ours on the envelope and plotted out how to get a stamp.

It had to look authentic or this shit wasnt gonna fly. However this part was not going to be easy. My stepmom kept the stamps in her purse, and my stepmoms purse was NOT TO BE TOUCHED.

It was amazing inside these bags. (you dont want to know how many purses my mom has, lets just say, they have their own room now. If more than one child is home over night, the purses get the room, we get the couch.) There was a place for everything and everything was placed so neatly inside. It didnt take long to find the stamps, it only took anytime because at every noise I jumped and screamed "I wasnt doing anything!" The woman had a way of scaring the living shit out of you. I could not be caught. If we ever did anything wrong or were just about to, she would threaten to bare butt spank us in front of God and everybody. Bare butt? In front of everybody? No fucking way. In this family you would never live that down. Fuck the spank, and (forgive me) God but they had nothing on what my brothers and sisters would do to me later. I had to be CAREFUL.

I sprinted like I was posessed (i got away with it!) back to my room and pulled out a letter my mom had written me (She still lived in Illinois) I needed to duplicate the red stamp thing over the stamp on every sent letter (I'm telling you, I am evil.) I, being an avid collector of anything office supply related, had the perfect red pen and got to work.

So brilliant. So amazing. I sat back, looked at my work and smiled my buck toothed grin. (the one that my Dad would cringe at and say "That one needs braces Linda. Linda!") I ran out to the street, down to the mail box and waited for the mailman.

She was running late, of course. Stupid bitch! I thought. How was I supposed to pull this off if she didnt hurry the fuck up? My stepmom and our dog Murphy (she was a toy poodle. When I was in high school I cut her hair into a mohawk and dyed it purple with food coloring and Linda refused to walk her down the street anymore. "What will the neighbors think?" she said. Um that we're cool? God Linda.)took a walk everyday to the mailbox at 4 oclock and and it was almost 3:45.

"Fuck!" i said freaking out. I couldnt just leave the letter in the mailbox, the stupid late mail lady would take it thinking it was too be sent out. I had to put it in AFTER she had delivered the mail.

"Whatcha doin Molly?" said my shithead little brother Andy walking up to me. (I swear to God he always had boogers in his nose and milk crusted all over his face. God he was gross.)

"Nothing. Go the fuck away." I said growing more and more anxious by the minute.

"You swore Molly. I'm telling!" and he ran off to get my stepmom.

Double fuck.

Now she was going to come out here sooner and she was gonna catch me with the letter! I had to think quick!

So I ran in after Andy and got to Linda first.

"Linda, I got the mail for you. There was only this letter in it, I think its for Buzzo." and I shoved Andy down the hall.

"Oh!" Linda said. "Look at this! Buzzo is going to be so happy!" And she set off to find my sister. With me on her heels.

Buzzo WAS excited. She squealed like a fucking pig and ripped into the letter like it was a fresh trof of slop. She goobled up every word and read some of it out loud to us.

"I'm sorry I havent written, 3rd grade has me so busy!"
"Did you know that Justin and Jeffery arnt friends anymore?" (to which Buzzo cryed out 'like no way! they are like totally best friends!' she was a self proclaimed valley girl. GAY.)
"It was awful. I will miss Fucker. But mom says he was old and it was his time to go. Oh and by the way she says hi!"

My God it was inbearable. I had to plan my timing right though. This was going to be my day in the sun. When Buzzo got to the end of the letter she folded it up looked at Linda and said "Like, I cant believe it! She finally wrote me back!" and Linda gave her a big hug.

And thats when the evil took over in me and I yelled "APRIL FOOLS!"

They both looked at me and Linda said "April Fools what?"

"The letter..." I said beaming from person to person. (a crowd had gathered and by now Brent, Alli, and Shithead Andy were there too)"I wrote it! I got the envelope and wrote the red stamp thing in with my pen and i found her address in Buzzos address book!" and I waited for their praise.

My sister started to scream and lunged at me. I jumped out of the way yelling "I got you! I got you! April Fools!" She clipped the back of my leg with hers and we crashed to the floor.

She started pummeling me like she wanted to kill me. Alli started to cry. Brent shouted "punch her in the face!" Andy yelled "Can i have a snack?" And Linda reached down and pulled me up by my shirt.

"Buzzo ENOUGH!" my stepmom said and Buzzo stopped right away. She was bawling and looked like she was going to kill me. At that moment I was happy Linda was there, she was the only thing keeping me alive.

"Molly, I cannot begin to tell you how mean what you did was." Linda said her voice starting to shake.

"But it was only a joke." I whinned. Wasnt anyone going to see how rad my joke was? I mean, even if it was a little on the evil side, couldnt they see the magic of it all?

"Its not funny. Jokes are funny." Linda said.
"Im sorry." I said.
"Well, if you were sorry you wouldnt of done it." Linda said. (this is what she always said, and what the fuck did it even mean? It didnt make sense.)
"I wont do it again." I said.
"No, you wont." Linda said. "But you need to be punished and I think Buzzo should be able to pick the punishment."

Wait, What?

I started to squirm to get away but Linda tightened her hold on me. I may be evil, but I wasnt stupid. Linda looked at Buzzo. Buzzo looked at Brent, Alli and Andy. They each nodded and Buzzo turned around to Linda and said,

"Bare butt spanking. I like, want you to bare butt spank her in front of God and everybody."

I closed my eyes and sighed.

I was like, fucked.