I hid in the women's locker room at my workout club and finished off a family sized bag of Cheetos and a frapaccino when a elderly women came in to change. I hid the evidence in my backpack and looked at my bright orange hands and laughed, cause well, it was funny. I went to the sink and started to wash them as my trusty sidekick, my beloved phone, started to slip out of my pocket. I hurried instead of stoping it and accidentally sped up its decent as it sprung loose from my pocket and started to fall. I screamed and bent down quickly to catch Phoney as I bashed my face against the counter, fell backwards on my ass from the pain, and sat there seeing stars. The woman came running in saw me and said "you ok?!" I nodded holding my eye and she turned toward the sink. She walked over to it in lunges (yes lunges) and turned off the water. She did a couple squats, looked at the sink for a sec and said "what happened? What's with the orange? Looks like you were getting friendly with a oompa loompa in here." and started to belly laugh as she bent down to pick up my phone. She turned toward me did a couple lunges and held out my phone. "this your phone?" and did a couple squats. I nodded and took it from her and she said "any excuse to exercise right?" and smiled as she stretched towards the ceiling. I smiled back and nodded, squeaked out a thank you and watched her lunge away with the occasional squat and toe touch for good measure.
Oh did I tell you? She was completely naked.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Snowbird
I stood in line at the store and let my eyes blur. For once, I was happy the line was long cause for the first time today I could relax. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something fly by. I focused my eyes and saw a bird staring at me. I nodded to him, I mean what else could I do, an he yelled at me. I jumped and yelled back "Hey! What do you want?!" and he just stared at me, along with everyone else in the store. Suddenly the line seemed endless and I wanted to get away from the little dude with the staring problem. Birds are kinda creepy and I wasn't all that sure it didn't want to hurt me. So I decided I no longer needed my few groceries and I left the basket with the cashier, lied and said I forgot my wallet and took off, small bird in tow.
I kept looking back and he hoped and flew behind me keeping up. I started to jog and he took flight landing in front of the door. I stopped and we stared at each other. Too light to cause it to automatically open I put one foot forward, stepped down, and the door opened.
The bird hopped out and stopped. I walked out behind him and he looked at the sky like he couldn't believe it was real. He looked at me, and yelled again. I smiled and he yelled one more time at me, shook and then took off. I found myself wishing I at least asked his name.
It made me think of my dad and I don't know why. It started in my heart before my mind even thought it an when it hit my head, I started to cry. I realized I'm gonna have a lot of these moments when something happens that makes me think it's my dad. I don't know if it's really him or the giant loss still inside of me that just makes everything about him, but it's the way it is. I'm gonna have these moments when I'm knocked off my feet and I cry and feel and know that there is more to all of this (there has to be) and it makes me believe.
And for that, I am so fucking grateful.
"the breaking of so great a thing, should make a greater crack."
- William Shakespeare
I kept looking back and he hoped and flew behind me keeping up. I started to jog and he took flight landing in front of the door. I stopped and we stared at each other. Too light to cause it to automatically open I put one foot forward, stepped down, and the door opened.
The bird hopped out and stopped. I walked out behind him and he looked at the sky like he couldn't believe it was real. He looked at me, and yelled again. I smiled and he yelled one more time at me, shook and then took off. I found myself wishing I at least asked his name.
It made me think of my dad and I don't know why. It started in my heart before my mind even thought it an when it hit my head, I started to cry. I realized I'm gonna have a lot of these moments when something happens that makes me think it's my dad. I don't know if it's really him or the giant loss still inside of me that just makes everything about him, but it's the way it is. I'm gonna have these moments when I'm knocked off my feet and I cry and feel and know that there is more to all of this (there has to be) and it makes me believe.
And for that, I am so fucking grateful.
"the breaking of so great a thing, should make a greater crack."
- William Shakespeare
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Someone locked me out today
I didn't even cry.
Someone spit on the gas pump handle
And I didn't scream "why god why?!"
Someone flipped me off and yelled "learn how to drive you stupid bitch!"
And I don't even mean to swerve
and almost knock him in that ditch.
Someone grabbed the last bag of Cheetos
As I was reaching for them.
And I didn't even punch him in the throat
I simply just ignored him!
I guess what I am trying to say
is I think I'm getting better!
This drinking in the daytime thing,
is the Best Medication ever!
I didn't even cry.
Someone spit on the gas pump handle
And I didn't scream "why god why?!"
Someone flipped me off and yelled "learn how to drive you stupid bitch!"
And I don't even mean to swerve
and almost knock him in that ditch.
Someone grabbed the last bag of Cheetos
As I was reaching for them.
And I didn't even punch him in the throat
I simply just ignored him!
I guess what I am trying to say
is I think I'm getting better!
This drinking in the daytime thing,
is the Best Medication ever!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
I was minding my own business laying in front of the fire and i accidentally took a nap and only woke up because I fell off the mattress due to being kicked by two dogs in the back and pushed out of their way to feel the warmth from the fire. Jerks. Im soaked from sweating to death and I have part of a pigs ear stuck in my hair and Brian is outside working on his "baby" that damn jeep and isn't here for me to yell at for no reason. So as I make myself my carrot, super food, berry juice drink I'm gonna add some (shitloads of) vodka to it and shave my head. Good day my friends.
I said good day!
I said good day!
I got up early this morning and took the dogs on a short walk and a long car ride. I worked out. I took a bath. I cleaned a bit. I picked up the poop in the backyard. I poked Brian with a pigs foot. I did lots of txting. I emailing some people. I cleaned out my truck. I took some pictures. I blah blah blah blah blah blahed whatever turns out I just wanted to lay down so I put the mattress on the floor in the living room in front of the fire, closed all the curtains, turned off all the lights and me and the dogs piled up and watched some tv. I feel like I never relax so i decided to give it a shot. now I know why i never relax. it's boring. I'm hungry for no reason laying here and it makes me tired and im not. I feel like i should be doing something so I'm guilty too. But, I'm gonna stay here anyway till Brian gets home to entertain me. God I wish I had some gummi bears and maybe a margarita or 16. These dogs are useless how do they not know what a blender is?!
I like taking baths. I get so cold and a shower just doesn't warm me. I need to be submerged in hot water simmering away like a fine tasting Molly soup. My dogs usually come in for a visit, biting at the bubbles (from the soap not my farts) as they marvel at how I can enjoy this adventure. (My hope is they will see that bath time does not need to be similar to wrestling alligators).
Anyway today Brian came in instead with a simple request. "may I use the bathroom real quick?" He asked looking pretty uncomfortable. I nodded and Brian said "can ya close the shower door though babe I don't want you staring at me while I poop."
WHAT THE FUCK.
I told him to get the mother f out of here and wait till I'm done for that kind of nonsense. Why the hell would that be ok?!?!? Boys. So so gross. bath time ruined, straight up, I took extra long getting out just to make him suffer and prairie dog.
Anyway today Brian came in instead with a simple request. "may I use the bathroom real quick?" He asked looking pretty uncomfortable. I nodded and Brian said "can ya close the shower door though babe I don't want you staring at me while I poop."
WHAT THE FUCK.
I told him to get the mother f out of here and wait till I'm done for that kind of nonsense. Why the hell would that be ok?!?!? Boys. So so gross. bath time ruined, straight up, I took extra long getting out just to make him suffer and prairie dog.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
My dad is dead.
There is this hole inside my heart that will always be there because of this. I watched my dad die and I remember looking at my brothers and sisters and my mom and thinking I wanted to save them from it. I knew how bad my heart hurt and I could feel theirs break too and the pain was overwhelming and i wanted to just give up. I wanted to run. I wanted to run and run and run and run and scream and hit and stop it from being that way but I couldn't. So I sucked it all in and gave up. I started to live in a constant count down of days and hours and minutes and seconds and huddle in the fear of the anxiety of knowing its the countdown of the rest of my life and this paralyzed me. I watched hours pass as I realized I will never get that time back and I used it angry and sad and withdrawn. I counted the number of days I saw the people I love and added it up an realized it was so small and that soon I won't see them again either, so whats the point and I sat in this and hated myself for not noticing all the love around me and wasting my time in my head. Just angry sad confused lost and tired. But things got better. Brian forced his way into my locked heart like an annoying little thing and He just wouldn't give up or let me. He woke me up and made me see that i was needed around here. He told me that yeah maybe my purpose on this world is to make people happy but guess what? I do it so well that noone is happy anymore when I'm not. He said we all have our place in this world and without everyone doing their part it doesn't wk. I knew he was right or maybe I just wanted him to shut up, So i fought back against my own mind. I can tell you that it worked but it wasn't easy. It's still in there today but I can shut it up most days. I can look at the brighter side of depression and get up and do something with myself. Until today. Today I got a letter from a lawyer who needs my signature on some shit about my dads estate and I see the words "Freddy Leon Clark, Deceased." and I cry. And cry and cry. I cry for myself and my family because he was our rock and our happiness. I cry for him too because he enjoyed life. Its like my soul and my heart have turned to liquid and are coming out my fucking eyes. Hahaha But you know what i think maybe its a good thing i cry because I think maybe for the first time I'm healthy enough to understand it and actually cry to heal myself. I miss him and I know that will never change. But I don't have to be miserable about it anymore or beat myself up for things I coulda shoulda woulda done. I know I'll see him again. He promised me that he would always be here for me and I believed him. And my dad was if anything a man of his word. Wow.......seeing that paper was hard and that walk down memory scary fucking lane just sucked but thanks for letting me write it and share it and heal.
Now where the fuck do I find a notary?
Oh and I need a drink.
There is this hole inside my heart that will always be there because of this. I watched my dad die and I remember looking at my brothers and sisters and my mom and thinking I wanted to save them from it. I knew how bad my heart hurt and I could feel theirs break too and the pain was overwhelming and i wanted to just give up. I wanted to run. I wanted to run and run and run and run and scream and hit and stop it from being that way but I couldn't. So I sucked it all in and gave up. I started to live in a constant count down of days and hours and minutes and seconds and huddle in the fear of the anxiety of knowing its the countdown of the rest of my life and this paralyzed me. I watched hours pass as I realized I will never get that time back and I used it angry and sad and withdrawn. I counted the number of days I saw the people I love and added it up an realized it was so small and that soon I won't see them again either, so whats the point and I sat in this and hated myself for not noticing all the love around me and wasting my time in my head. Just angry sad confused lost and tired. But things got better. Brian forced his way into my locked heart like an annoying little thing and He just wouldn't give up or let me. He woke me up and made me see that i was needed around here. He told me that yeah maybe my purpose on this world is to make people happy but guess what? I do it so well that noone is happy anymore when I'm not. He said we all have our place in this world and without everyone doing their part it doesn't wk. I knew he was right or maybe I just wanted him to shut up, So i fought back against my own mind. I can tell you that it worked but it wasn't easy. It's still in there today but I can shut it up most days. I can look at the brighter side of depression and get up and do something with myself. Until today. Today I got a letter from a lawyer who needs my signature on some shit about my dads estate and I see the words "Freddy Leon Clark, Deceased." and I cry. And cry and cry. I cry for myself and my family because he was our rock and our happiness. I cry for him too because he enjoyed life. Its like my soul and my heart have turned to liquid and are coming out my fucking eyes. Hahaha But you know what i think maybe its a good thing i cry because I think maybe for the first time I'm healthy enough to understand it and actually cry to heal myself. I miss him and I know that will never change. But I don't have to be miserable about it anymore or beat myself up for things I coulda shoulda woulda done. I know I'll see him again. He promised me that he would always be here for me and I believed him. And my dad was if anything a man of his word. Wow.......seeing that paper was hard and that walk down memory scary fucking lane just sucked but thanks for letting me write it and share it and heal.
Now where the fuck do I find a notary?
Oh and I need a drink.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Basically I figure in order to get back into this again I really need to get everyone up to date and then like a super confusing novel i will go back and fill in the blanks. As best I can that is, gotta save some stuff for my book. Hahaha i know, it seems like everyone is writing a book these days. but its something I have always wanted to do. Not something I'm doing cause I'm on some reality tv show or whatever. I have been a writer my whole life and its time I start acting like one.
So lets start here. Let me introduce you to my new boyfriend Brian. He's pretty fucking rad. I met him in a bar because that is where 25 year olds hang out. Not where giant old ladies like me should be. But I was in that place in my life where going home wasnt an option (if I wanted to stay sane) and living in my head was just as scary. We all get to this place at some time in our lives and unfortunatly instead of facing mine in a healthy productive way. I discovered fireball and became best friends with it.
It was the summer of 2011 and the bar i basically lived in was a cockroach infested dive in downtown bremerton. I loved it. It was dark and everyone there was there to do probably the same thing I was, forget. but every once in awhile different people would come in and disrupt our miserable world and give us something to play with. I saw Brian sitting at the end of the bar one day when i walked in. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I asked the bartender who he was. "Thats Brian.' she said smiling. " He doesnt talk much. He usually just comes in here and has a shot and leaves or just drinks water. He never talks to anyone or is ever with anyone. He rides his motorcycle here." and she pointed to the harley out front.
Interesting.
So I went up to this Brian sat down next to him and forced him to talk to me. And by talk to me i mean listen to all my problems.
I was a mess. My father had started to get very sick that spring. He was sick and they couldnt find out why. His liver was no longer working as it should. They discovered he had cirrhosis but didnt know why as he was other wise perfectly healthy and never a heavy drinker or ever touched drugs. He was 71 and dying and they didnt know why. My dad was my rock and my hero. I was a wreck.
It was more than that though. My husband of 8 years was starting to become something i knew i couldnt live with anymore. 3 years before this, he cheated and it was a giant deal to not just u,s and i found out he had cheated before and well my life was a spiral of lies and confusion and anger. I tried in those 3 years to make things work and to do the right thing, as my dad called it. My father is the reason I stayed in that marriage, but all of this is another story. All I gotta say real quick is when you fuck someone else and your in a serious relationship, you are an asshole. There are no excuses and noone to blame but yourself. Cheating is a straight up slap in the face and a fuck you to the person you are with. I can see that now that i am out of it and away but when your in it, all you do is blame yourself when someone hurts you like that. All you do is start to question everything and stop believing in yourself. Its fucking a really mean thing to do to someone. You dont want to believe its just this other persons fault because the last thing you want to believe is that is who they are. That the person you gave your life too could literally give a shit. Its a really hard thing to find out that what you believed to be, isnt. It is truly heartbreaking. And it ruins and changes everything as your world around you crumbles and you try to pick it up but the other person is too busy knocking each piece out of your hands as you do. Anyway, truth is, I was no longer in love with my husband and I didnt know how to leave him.
So I basically told poor Brian all of this. Not kidding. He just sat and listened. He never really said anything till I was done. When i was done, all he said was "so, your married?" i nodded my head and smiled, shocked that is all he got from that, and said "I guess so." Brian stood up, grabbed his helmet and said "thats too bad, your the prettiest thing ive seen in a long time. Your gonna be ok Molly. I hope I see you again and I hope your dad gets better." and he looked into my eyes, winked, and walked out.
I was smitten instantly.
Long story short (i know, i know, its too late for that) that following october my father died and 6 days later my wonderful husband moved out to go live with one of his girlfriends that he had for god only knows how long. I was alone and depressed and scared and lost and so so so so so sad. I missed my dad and I had noone to to lean on. I had noone to help me or carry the slack while I mourned. So i drank. And I drank.
Brian and I started getting closer and talking more. I started hoping he would come into the bar and he did more often. We exchanged numbers one day even but I was too chicken to call. He was 11 years younger than me and I was nothing but a walking, holy shit, ball of drama and baggage. But, one day when my brother was in town, he hung out with us. I had to stay up all night that night cause i was afraid I would pass out and miss waking up in time to drive my brother to the airport so he could go home. Brian offered to stay up with me. "I wont let you fall asleep." he said. We lay together on the couch all night and watched true blood. He never tried a thing and when we had to get ready to leave, he said, "I'll see you tonight, right?" i smiled and we have been together ever since.
Brian is the most amazing person. He has been my rock and my best friend. He has the most amazing heart and the kindest soul. He is my favorite thing. And I cant wait to tell you all about him.
So lets start here. Let me introduce you to my new boyfriend Brian. He's pretty fucking rad. I met him in a bar because that is where 25 year olds hang out. Not where giant old ladies like me should be. But I was in that place in my life where going home wasnt an option (if I wanted to stay sane) and living in my head was just as scary. We all get to this place at some time in our lives and unfortunatly instead of facing mine in a healthy productive way. I discovered fireball and became best friends with it.
It was the summer of 2011 and the bar i basically lived in was a cockroach infested dive in downtown bremerton. I loved it. It was dark and everyone there was there to do probably the same thing I was, forget. but every once in awhile different people would come in and disrupt our miserable world and give us something to play with. I saw Brian sitting at the end of the bar one day when i walked in. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I asked the bartender who he was. "Thats Brian.' she said smiling. " He doesnt talk much. He usually just comes in here and has a shot and leaves or just drinks water. He never talks to anyone or is ever with anyone. He rides his motorcycle here." and she pointed to the harley out front.
Interesting.
So I went up to this Brian sat down next to him and forced him to talk to me. And by talk to me i mean listen to all my problems.
I was a mess. My father had started to get very sick that spring. He was sick and they couldnt find out why. His liver was no longer working as it should. They discovered he had cirrhosis but didnt know why as he was other wise perfectly healthy and never a heavy drinker or ever touched drugs. He was 71 and dying and they didnt know why. My dad was my rock and my hero. I was a wreck.
It was more than that though. My husband of 8 years was starting to become something i knew i couldnt live with anymore. 3 years before this, he cheated and it was a giant deal to not just u,s and i found out he had cheated before and well my life was a spiral of lies and confusion and anger. I tried in those 3 years to make things work and to do the right thing, as my dad called it. My father is the reason I stayed in that marriage, but all of this is another story. All I gotta say real quick is when you fuck someone else and your in a serious relationship, you are an asshole. There are no excuses and noone to blame but yourself. Cheating is a straight up slap in the face and a fuck you to the person you are with. I can see that now that i am out of it and away but when your in it, all you do is blame yourself when someone hurts you like that. All you do is start to question everything and stop believing in yourself. Its fucking a really mean thing to do to someone. You dont want to believe its just this other persons fault because the last thing you want to believe is that is who they are. That the person you gave your life too could literally give a shit. Its a really hard thing to find out that what you believed to be, isnt. It is truly heartbreaking. And it ruins and changes everything as your world around you crumbles and you try to pick it up but the other person is too busy knocking each piece out of your hands as you do. Anyway, truth is, I was no longer in love with my husband and I didnt know how to leave him.
So I basically told poor Brian all of this. Not kidding. He just sat and listened. He never really said anything till I was done. When i was done, all he said was "so, your married?" i nodded my head and smiled, shocked that is all he got from that, and said "I guess so." Brian stood up, grabbed his helmet and said "thats too bad, your the prettiest thing ive seen in a long time. Your gonna be ok Molly. I hope I see you again and I hope your dad gets better." and he looked into my eyes, winked, and walked out.
I was smitten instantly.
Long story short (i know, i know, its too late for that) that following october my father died and 6 days later my wonderful husband moved out to go live with one of his girlfriends that he had for god only knows how long. I was alone and depressed and scared and lost and so so so so so sad. I missed my dad and I had noone to to lean on. I had noone to help me or carry the slack while I mourned. So i drank. And I drank.
Brian and I started getting closer and talking more. I started hoping he would come into the bar and he did more often. We exchanged numbers one day even but I was too chicken to call. He was 11 years younger than me and I was nothing but a walking, holy shit, ball of drama and baggage. But, one day when my brother was in town, he hung out with us. I had to stay up all night that night cause i was afraid I would pass out and miss waking up in time to drive my brother to the airport so he could go home. Brian offered to stay up with me. "I wont let you fall asleep." he said. We lay together on the couch all night and watched true blood. He never tried a thing and when we had to get ready to leave, he said, "I'll see you tonight, right?" i smiled and we have been together ever since.
Brian is the most amazing person. He has been my rock and my best friend. He has the most amazing heart and the kindest soul. He is my favorite thing. And I cant wait to tell you all about him.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Starting Over
We've all heard the same story. The story of the cheating lying husband and the wife who stays. We have all had that friend that we want to say "open your fucking eyes!" too. We cant believe she thinks so little of herself and stands by this man. We have all sat in shock while listening to stories of her dealing with shit she swore she never would but then say she is doing so in the name of love and marriage. We shake our heads and say that will never be us and we would never stand for it. We all know a woman like this. I just never thought that woman would be me.
But it is, or I should say it was. I am sorry to everyone who used to read this blog for my absence and then my attempts to start back up that failed. I should of been writing the whole time, it would of been therapeutic, but I was too angry to write anything but the f word and to bash people. I wanted to write things in a better way. But at any rate I wrote in diaries and on Facebook and I remember it all so I am gonna basically relive it now on here to heal and well get it the fuck outta me for once and for all. Not all of it is only my story to tell but my side of it is. So I'm on it.
Again I apologize to everyone but I will update this daily even I it's just a pic of my dogs hahaha thanks for being there
Xo Molly
But it is, or I should say it was. I am sorry to everyone who used to read this blog for my absence and then my attempts to start back up that failed. I should of been writing the whole time, it would of been therapeutic, but I was too angry to write anything but the f word and to bash people. I wanted to write things in a better way. But at any rate I wrote in diaries and on Facebook and I remember it all so I am gonna basically relive it now on here to heal and well get it the fuck outta me for once and for all. Not all of it is only my story to tell but my side of it is. So I'm on it.
Again I apologize to everyone but I will update this daily even I it's just a pic of my dogs hahaha thanks for being there
Xo Molly
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
January 1, 2013
In an effort to start over, I chose today to begin. It seemed appropriate and gave me a goal to set. In my absence I have grownup, i have lost my whole world, I've hit rock bottom and found precious love and found a joy of life again in the presence of pain. I have a story to tell and a want to write it. I am going to write everyday and regain the passion I have for it and feel the joy it gives me again because this is what I am. A writer.
I've never been a very serious person, I enjoy having fun and joking around and j live everyday to have fun. but over the last couple years, serious is what i have been dealing with. It is a difficult hurdle to master for the young at heart. I had to try over and over again to even get up to it to see exactly how scary it was gonna be to conquer. But I did it. I knocked the hurdle over a couple times trying and I even banged myself up a bit on my struggle to get it right. But I'm here on the other side now and I'm looking back at that hurdle in a different light. Im not looking back in pain or anger or frustration or sadness or grief anymore. I'm looking back at it as a part of my life and writing about it now so that it can shape into a memory worth having and telling and remembering.
Life is serious because it's real. Otherwise it's supposed to be enjoyed and shared and lived. Honor yourself, take care of yourself, and then have some fun. On that note I am off to walk my dogs. The sun is out and he's begging me to play. He's a bully really.
I've never been a very serious person, I enjoy having fun and joking around and j live everyday to have fun. but over the last couple years, serious is what i have been dealing with. It is a difficult hurdle to master for the young at heart. I had to try over and over again to even get up to it to see exactly how scary it was gonna be to conquer. But I did it. I knocked the hurdle over a couple times trying and I even banged myself up a bit on my struggle to get it right. But I'm here on the other side now and I'm looking back at that hurdle in a different light. Im not looking back in pain or anger or frustration or sadness or grief anymore. I'm looking back at it as a part of my life and writing about it now so that it can shape into a memory worth having and telling and remembering.
Life is serious because it's real. Otherwise it's supposed to be enjoyed and shared and lived. Honor yourself, take care of yourself, and then have some fun. On that note I am off to walk my dogs. The sun is out and he's begging me to play. He's a bully really.
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