Wednesday, October 6, 2010

she's a lady

So I was at target the other day buying some candy and slinking down the isles crop dusting (farting under the radar) when I happened into the underwear department. I giggled to myself because I was just farting and thinking "wouldn't it suck if I shit myself" and here i was staring at hundreds of panties.
"Go ahead!" I thought."its covered!" Hahahaha!

Yes sometimes I drink before I shop. F you.

Red robin is right next door and my bartender peeps give me free fries when I drink there. (Q tried to say every one gets them but I think he's a liar.) Plus, there is some RADICAL people watching in the joint.


Anyhow, I decided 15$ for 5 pairs of panties was a good deal. I started rummaging through the bins and grabbing out my size (non-ya) and colors I like. I landed 5 good ones, let out a rippper (oopsees) and went for checkout.

It wasn't until the next morning after I washed them (and sobered up) that i realized I had accidentally bought a pair of thong underwear.

Goddamn it.

I hate thong underwear. Nahnahnahnahnah....Shut it....don't care. Don't want to hear it. All you bitches is lieing to yourselves and others when you say "they're comfortable" Bull Goddamn shit. How can it be? It's a string. UP MY ASS. And my fuzzy kyekye. (VAGINA people.) I hate them. And I find them...well sorta gross. It slips up there and flosses my butthole. I just can't do it.

But I thought, now that I've washed them I can't return them. So I slipped them on and thought I'd try them out for the day. And left for work.


I stopped at the gas station to well...get some gas.(The kind for my car not my butt. Haha! I also drink when i write. Cheers!)

I was the only car there. I made sure. Like really. I looked around and confirmed it.

Just me. I'm alone.

Awesome. Cause this really rad decision to wear a string up my ass was already becoming a really bad idea.

It was up there and super uncomfortable. I glanced around one more time coast was crystal clear, and I grabbed at it. I was getting nothing. Goddamn thong. I couldn't free it. My butt had it sucked right on up. I grabbed and grabbed and came up empty handed. Literally.

I was gonna have to stick my hand down the back of my pants.

And free it.

I mean fuck it. I was the only one there and this thing needed to go. I jammed my hand down the back of my pants and freed the little sucker.

Ahhh. Sweet relief.

"Find what you were lookin for?" Asked a voice from behind me.

Standing at the pump along side mine was a man with a gas can. But of course. I didn't hear this guy walk up.

Annoyed I said "not sure....wait....oh, yep. got it." and I pulled out my hand and flipped him off.

"Nice."he said."what a lady."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I said smelling my hand.
"It means your very classy." He said starting to laugh."Smell anything good there?"

I blushed bright red and ducked into my car.

And the thong dived right back up my ass.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Wow do I not want to be awake. It's Monday. I want to go back to sleep. Wouldn't it be amazing if we all just could? Please.....we all need to agree to stop the clocks one Monday morning for 3 hours. 3 hours more sleep. Then restart the clocks and start the day. Or, maybe stop all this daylight savings for a couple yrs then give us the extra hours one day to make up for it. Who's running this show? I need to have a talk with them.

Ok so that's all I got this morning people. See you this afternoon.


Friday, October 1, 2010

why i hate poulsbo by molly andrae

!. Because the speed limit is 40 but everyone drives 25. Speed the fuck up you looky lous.

2. There is always, no matter what time of day, a shitload of traffic. I am assuming this is due to the slow drivers and the fact there is a stoplight every 3 feet and its always red.

3. Starbucks is at the end of this strip mall thing and the parking lot sucks. The spaces are too tight and everyone has an suv. My car has been hit 3 times. Plus the Starbucks workers pretend they don't know what medium is. I hate them.

4. The woods there are scary as shit. We used to walk this trail down to the dogfish creek to see the samon run (fucking creepy those fish are huge) and at the end there is this giant cross with an alter and some pews.(holy shit creepy) seriously. Now if that ain't backwoods scary what is?

5. Vikings are out. Noone cares. Please shut up about it already. Didn't those dudes rape and piliage? Good fun. Now thats something to brag about.

6. Pitbulls are no longer allowed there. Get over yourselves.

7. Crosswalks are there for a reason. Randomly stepping into traffic forcing me to slam on my brakes, somehow killing my car is stupid. In that downtown area people are just randomly walking all over the place looking at the little shops that I swear to god all sell the same shit. Hand knitted hats and swirly wirly woman chimes for hippies. Stupid.

8. I've been pulled over there more times than I am old.22.
(Yes, I know I'm 35 its a fucking joke people.)

9. There are only a couple bars there and I keep getting kicked out of them. It's not my fault they are also resturants. Beer makes me swear.

10. Once while walking my dogs on the beach Max ran ahead and was rolling against this log. We walked up to him and realized said log was a giant dead seal. I had to bathe Max 8 times to get that greasy film off him. I also vomited and screamed. And I hate vomiting cause it makes me vomit more and i cant stop till its all gone. And I hate screaming it hurts my throat. And q said his ears.

11. Because the stupid bank of America doesn't open till 10 and closes at 5:30. Good god. Work normal hours like the rest of us please.

12. Because its sucks.

with lemon

The other day while I was sitting outside minding my own business the neighbors shit kid Buddy popped his head over the fence and asked me where my car was.
"In my driveway. Why?" I said spinning around to see if it was still there.
"I need some change." He replyed.
I just stared at him because well.....I didn't fucking get it.
"Did you hear me?" He asked staring right back.
Say what?
I looked all around me narrowed my eyes and pointed at myself "are you talking to me kid or someone else?"
"You lady." He said nodding at me.
Little creep.
"And your asking me the where abouts of my car cause you need some change?" I asked.
"Yes. Is it locked?" He said.
"Is what locked?" I asked confused as a mother fucker.
"Your car."
"My car?"
"YES YOUR CAR. GET ME SOME CHANGE OR CAN I GET IT." Buddy said rather loudly.
Who the fuck IS this kid?
"Im sorry kid....I don't understand. What exactly is happening here?" I asked
Buddy sighed and said "when I was in your car yesterday I saw a bunch of change. I need it now so can you get it."
My eyes started to widen and I said "you were in my car?"
"Yeah. Yesterday." He said.
"Why?" I said as I started to freak the fuck out.
"To pretend." He said.
"Why in my car?" I asked. Getting up and backing towards my car. "And what the fuck were you pretending?"
Buddy froze and his eyes popped out.
"You said the f word." He said.
I stopped walking and looked around me again. What was happening? I felt like i was insain. I glanced down at the beer in my hand to make sure it wasn't mushroom tea or something.
"Yeah, I did..." I said "And that's because you were in my fucking car."
You little fucking Weirdo.
"I'm gonna tell." Buddy said and started to walk away.
I through my hands in the air and sprayed beer all over myself."FUCK!" I said and quickly got way pissed.
Buddy turned around, all slow and creepy like, cocked his head to the side looked at me and said "Yes. You have a lemon in your hair. I'll see you tomorrow." And walked back to his house.