Monday, March 14, 2011

Its not as easy as it sounds to get me to write on this thing. The funny part is I sit here and complain about how I want to be a writer as I sit and watch tv and drink beer all day and do nothing to actually become this writer. I mean I play on facebook but who gives a shit.
Ive decided its probably pretty important that I write in here like everyday or at least everyweek. It keeps people interested and then they care says q. I know this but at the same time I also don’t know if I have that much to say. According to quint not only do I have enough to say, but can I please write it to all of you instead of talking to him nonstop all day everyday. He says he has a job ya know. I say yeah I know but fuck, I mean, if you have two different phones you must expect to talk on them every once in a while. He says yes he does expect it but didn’t know it would be about how I found cat puke in the hallway or if he knows where the whiskey is. (he says it was 10 am and I drank it all the night before and I blamed him for drinking it all. Whatever how was I supposed to remember. I was drunk…duh.)
Recently I have been home a lot and thinking I should be on this thing typing away. That I should, instead of watching the same real housewives shows over and over again and memorizing the lines, (and calling quint to tell him all about what camile grammer said) sit down and write about the ultra fun day I had sitting still in my house watching the plants grow. But I think who the fuck cares about what I do. quint says I may as well make all of you as bored as I am. That and let him get his fucking work done.
Sigh. For the love of god I need a life. seriously the only place I go besides work is safeway.
But anyway, I have especially been home a lot these days because my dog Alabama had her acl repaired. Turns out she basically almost tore it in half. You know what? The healing time for this surgery is 12 weeks. Mother fucker. It is so annoying. I mean I get that this is probably worse for her than me but I mean come on….im the one who has to pay for it (1600$) and then take the time off to stare at her and stop this spunky 2 year old pitbull from wanting to play with her equally spunky 3 year old pitbull brother which basically puts me on house arrest. She gets to be babied and high all day. Poor her. How bad can it be? You know what? I will brake my knees right now if that’s the way this shit goes. Quint, go get the whiskey and a baseball bat.
Today was the first day since the surgery 5 days ago that I saw a bit of happiness in this dogs face. She has been depressed and sad. She hasn’t eaten and she is sick of being told not to play and being carried to and from the yard to pee and poo. I mean what the fuck? Does it look like im having fun with this? Give me a break. We got in the worst fight out in the yard last night around 3am.
“fucking shit already Alabama its pouring and im fucking tired.”
Dog looks the other direction and pretends Im not there.
“I will fucking leave you out here and you can sleep in the rain.”
Knowing this is a lie, dog continues to stare into the darkness and sighs loudly.
“come on! Wtf! You haven’t shit in like 3 days. It smells like a fucking sewer in the house your farting so much. Just fucking go already!”
Dog sees cat who came out to see what all the screaming was about and wags her tail. She looks up at me as if to say look mommy kitty is here, remembers what a bitch I am, stops wagging her tail, gives me the stink eye and goes back to staring into the fucking darkness.
So I changed my gears “please baby. Please just go poo honey. Mommy loves you.”
Dog decides this is a waste of her time and limps back into the house leaving my sorry ass in the yard screaming her name and swearing nonstop because my fucking shoe got stuck in the mud and came off when I went to go after her and I stepped in an old mushy pile of dog shit with my bare foot.
But of course.
Anyhow like I was saying she was a little better today. She even ate something. And I figured out the best way to get the 8,000 pills she has to take everyday down her throat is to coat them in butter and put them in her actual throat and hold her mouth closed until the mother fucking things go down. Oddly enough she wasn’t as upset about this as I would of thought because I think she was stoked that this time the huge antibiotic didn’t explode in her mouth and make her vomit as mommy swears about how she hates puke cause it makes her puke. Its a lot of fun here people, you should come over someday.
Anyhow I was allowed to actually get up and move without sneaking around afraid to wake her. I got the kitchen cleaned and even blasted some bon jovi and danced around the house. Bad part is this is when Alabama decided to take herself out the doggy door and play lets run laps around the slippery muddy yard and play tackle football with Joe.
God damn it.
Halfway through livin on a prayer I turned to sing to Alabama “take my hand and well make it I swear” when I realized she wasn’t there. I started running through the house calling her name. I couldn’t find her anywhere in the house and so I looked to see if I left the door open to the dogs room where the doggy door was. And yes of course I did. Why not. I mean why make my life easier. Holy shit the dog was outside by herself. I started to panic and ran outside and instantly slipped in an old gross pile of rotten pumpkin (yes from Halloween) and bent my wrist back.
I started swearing like a douche bag clutching my wrist and freaking out. the dogs froze in midplay and realizing mom was spazing out and decided to do the same. They started running towards me to get back into the house to hide when I realized the goddamn dog was RUNNING. Who runs 5 days after repairing their acl? What the fuck is wrong with this dog?
Ladies and gentleman, Molly Andrae. Dog owner of the year.
Im a dick. The dog was screaming and trying to get away from me as I scrambled and slipped on the pumpkin guts to get up and get her to calm down. Oh fuck oh fuck was all I could think. Did I tear her leg off? I mean did I ruin her fucking knee? How am I supposed to know? What the fuck do I do?
I picked up the dog and hurried inside. Somehow, thank god, I didn’t trip or have a heart attack or anything and got the dog inside and laid her down. She was panting like a dog in heat and I knew she was in pain. I ruined it, I had to of.
I called the vet and explained what happened. She was silent for what seemed like 5 minutes. Im not kidding. I had to say hello? And look at my phone because I though I lost connection.
“um, well,” the vet finally said “lets just give her a couple minutes. Give her another tramadol and we will see where shes at in a bit. Call me in a half hour and let me know how she is. And please, molly, relax. Im sure its not as bad as it seems.”
Easy for her to say I thought and drugged up the dog. But she was right after about 10 minutes the dog seemed fine. I mean except for the fact that if I came near her she trembled and shyed away like I was going to beat her.
Its now been a good couple hours since the “incident” and im assuming we are all good since she just tried to run on it again. Who knows, guess we shall see. As for now I think im gonna drink a 12 pack, cry and let q take the fuck over.
Maddog out.

Friday, March 4, 2011

this happend a couple days ago and i couldnt write it then i was too drunk

I'm having one of those days were you wish you never got out of know the kind. The kind where your alarm goes off so you reach to turn it off and fall off the bed cause the dogs and husband are taking up all the room and the 6 inches you had to sleep in just couldn't hold ya forever. Then when you turn off the Fucking alarm you accidentally drop you new cell phone and send pieces everywhere including the battery into a glass of water you kept by your bedside cause you've had a sore throat for 3 days and it keeps you up all night. Oh did I mention when battery lands in water glass it spills glass and breaks it? No? Well it Fucking did. and while picking pieces of broken glass up you cut your finger and instantly shove finger in mouth to stop bleeding forgetting glass was in it and cutting your tongue. Finally when you get to the bathroom you go to pee but husband left seat up with pee in it cause he didn't want to flush it and make his shower water cold so you splash into pee water and swear swear swear swear. Then while cleaning off piss ass use husbands towel on purpose to be mean. Haha then onto kitchen to feed dogs who refuse to eat unless food is organic and expensive then snub nose at this also because they don't like it anymore and you beg them to eat cause your running late but they decide to not get out of bed cause of all the f bombs being thrown around all morning so feeling guilty you give them cookies which they eat then one vomits them up on your bed. Husband laughs at silly cute dogs on his way out door as you vow to later stab him. Seeing you are running late you clean vomit gag a lot and cry get washed up only to find that pee towel is only towel left. Cry some more and go to get dressed and rip hole in crotch of pants....again. being that you've gained 10 lbs recently and are about to start period you realize you have no pants to wear that you git into and shove gross pee ass into tight jeans and cry some more at growing muffin top. Go to get rags for work out of dryer only to realize never turned mother fucking god damn dryer on so rags are soaking wet still. Swear swear swear some more and go to call client to say running late as you remember phone doesnt wk cause it needs to dry out. Fuck Fuck Fuck. So you set dryer and pray client isn't home to see you get there so late. you go to hurry and put on make up and see dog eating mascara. Cry swear cry some more. Go to make coffee none left cause husband didnt tell you we were out so have to drink plain Fucking water instead and then you sit down to watch some tv before wk while waiting for dryer when you realize your fat ass just sat in another pile of vomit this one from useless cat. More swearing dogs nowhere to be seen due to fear of f word. change pants, clean vomit while gagging and put on tighter more useless jeans and sit on floor and cry. Remembering you forgot to clean guinea pig cage you get up and tend to them while they chatter at you and squeal. Slightly happier you pick one up to kiss it and it bites your finger like blood hungry animal and you drop guinea pig on ground next to dogs who came back in when the swearing stopped. Scrambling to save asshole pig you trip over dog and hit head on wall on way down and lay there cursing and wishing dogs would eat pig then go play in heavy traffic. Instead dogs run away at screaming swearing phyco you. you capture shitty asshole guinea pig and finish the job while crying. As dryer is still going you lay down to relax but with no blanket cause it got vomited on and freeze cause even though you pay 220$ a month for heat its always Fucking cold and accidentally fall asleep waking up an hour later. holy shit holy shit you yell as you Hurry hurry out door get half way remember forgot rags. For the love of god are you Fucking kidding me. head back home get rags. Speed off to work and get there 2 and a half hours late. Client is home. Remarks at how this has become a habit and she is letting you go. Say sorry but no use. Says she tried to call and I didn't answer. Then remember phone incident and tell client. Doesn't care your fired. As you leave you decide to go to a bar cause Fuck it why not. Order drink and period starts. Mother fuck. Go out to car search for tampon. Find smashed scary one but is all you have so let's make this count. Can't get it to come out of cardboard applicator. Shit god damn it. Instead put wad of toilet paper in underwear and decide to go home. Go to pay tab card declined. How is that possible. You have lots of money. Not my problem says bartender. Thank god nice old man pays tab as you start trying to sell wedding ring to bartender. Think what a bitch its only a 2$ pabst. Remember payed mortgage and forgot to go to bank. Fuck shit Fuck. Checks are at home.....tampons too. head home and lock doors to car as part of new habits husband is forcing on you because you always leave things in car doors unlocked. Yep, and this time its your keys. Sigh. Climb fence and start crawling through doggy door as your dog shoves his nose up your ass to smell what's going on. Fuck off pervert you yell and kick backwards missing dog and kicking two by four used to hold up roof hard and knock it loose. Oh my god. You hurry to push two by four back in place only to remember your not superman and two by four falls as porch roof collapses down a few more feet. Oops. Fuck it. Go back through doggy door and go to bathroom. Girl duties Done. Whew. Change pants into comfy ugly bell bottom fat girl sweats and turn on tv. Oh shit. My keys. Scramble through drawers to find spare. None. Maybe under pot outside. Who knows. Go out door and close behind you locking you out. Come on. No key under pot. Jump mother Fucking fence again and swear at dog threatening it to stay outta your ass and praying the porch roof doesn't collapse on you as you re go through doggy door. As you get up you trip on giant bell bottom fat girl sweats and fall into dogs water bowl sending water everywhere. Shit shit shiit. Can only find wet piss towel. Think where the Fuck are all my towels? Jesus. At least you remember all the dry rags in car and go outside and almost close door remembering last minute by sticking hand in and getting cut bit finger slammed on. Swear a lot and then remember useless cause car is locked anyhow. Go inside, use dry clothes to soak up water. Put phone back together see of you can call husband to find spare keys. It works! Phone works! Call husband. No answer. Lots of messages. You Listen to them. angry client and husband. Husband wants to know why the debit card is declined. Shit. You say I need to go to the bank as you grab checks and walk out front door slamming it behind you.

5 hours later when husband gets home he finds you drunk on freezer burnt 3 yr old jaeger singing songs in bathroom while laying in the empty tub. Spare keys, it turns out, are tapped to doggy door.