I'm having one of those days were you wish you never got out of bed.....you know the kind. The kind where your alarm goes off so you reach to turn it off and fall off the bed cause the dogs and husband are taking up all the room and the 6 inches you had to sleep in just couldn't hold ya forever. Then when you turn off the Fucking alarm you accidentally drop you new cell phone and send pieces everywhere including the battery into a glass of water you kept by your bedside cause you've had a sore throat for 3 days and it keeps you up all night. Oh did I mention when battery lands in water glass it spills glass and breaks it? No? Well it Fucking did. and while picking pieces of broken glass up you cut your finger and instantly shove finger in mouth to stop bleeding forgetting glass was in it and cutting your tongue. Finally when you get to the bathroom you go to pee but husband left seat up with pee in it cause he didn't want to flush it and make his shower water cold so you splash into pee water and swear swear swear swear. Then while cleaning off piss ass use husbands towel on purpose to be mean. Haha then onto kitchen to feed dogs who refuse to eat unless food is organic and expensive then snub nose at this also because they don't like it anymore and you beg them to eat cause your running late but they decide to not get out of bed cause of all the f bombs being thrown around all morning so feeling guilty you give them cookies which they eat then one vomits them up on your bed. Husband laughs at silly cute dogs on his way out door as you vow to later stab him. Seeing you are running late you clean vomit gag a lot and cry get washed up only to find that pee towel is only towel left. Cry some more and go to get dressed and rip hole in crotch of pants....again. being that you've gained 10 lbs recently and are about to start period you realize you have no pants to wear that you git into and shove gross pee ass into tight jeans and cry some more at growing muffin top. Go to get rags for work out of dryer only to realize never turned mother fucking god damn dryer on so rags are soaking wet still. Swear swear swear some more and go to call client to say running late as you remember phone doesnt wk cause it needs to dry out. Fuck Fuck Fuck. So you set dryer and pray client isn't home to see you get there so late. you go to hurry and put on make up and see dog eating mascara. Cry swear cry some more. Go to make coffee none left cause husband didnt tell you we were out so have to drink plain Fucking water instead and then you sit down to watch some tv before wk while waiting for dryer when you realize your fat ass just sat in another pile of vomit this one from useless cat. More swearing dogs nowhere to be seen due to fear of f word. change pants, clean vomit while gagging and put on tighter more useless jeans and sit on floor and cry. Remembering you forgot to clean guinea pig cage you get up and tend to them while they chatter at you and squeal. Slightly happier you pick one up to kiss it and it bites your finger like blood hungry animal and you drop guinea pig on ground next to dogs who came back in when the swearing stopped. Scrambling to save asshole pig you trip over dog and hit head on wall on way down and lay there cursing and wishing dogs would eat pig then go play in heavy traffic. Instead dogs run away at screaming swearing phyco you. you capture shitty asshole guinea pig and finish the job while crying. As dryer is still going you lay down to relax but with no blanket cause it got vomited on and freeze cause even though you pay 220$ a month for heat its always Fucking cold and accidentally fall asleep waking up an hour later. holy shit holy shit you yell as you Hurry hurry out door get half way remember forgot rags. For the love of god are you Fucking kidding me. head back home get rags. Speed off to work and get there 2 and a half hours late. Client is home. Remarks at how this has become a habit and she is letting you go. Say sorry but no use. Says she tried to call and I didn't answer. Then remember phone incident and tell client. Doesn't care your fired. As you leave you decide to go to a bar cause Fuck it why not. Order drink and period starts. Mother fuck. Go out to car search for tampon. Find smashed scary one but is all you have so let's make this count. Can't get it to come out of cardboard applicator. Shit god damn it. Instead put wad of toilet paper in underwear and decide to go home. Go to pay tab card declined. How is that possible. You have lots of money. Not my problem says bartender. Thank god nice old man pays tab as you start trying to sell wedding ring to bartender. Think what a bitch its only a 2$ pabst. Remember payed mortgage and forgot to go to bank. Fuck shit Fuck. Checks are at home.....tampons too. head home and lock doors to car as part of new habits husband is forcing on you because you always leave things in car doors unlocked. Yep, and this time its your keys. Sigh. Climb fence and start crawling through doggy door as your dog shoves his nose up your ass to smell what's going on. Fuck off pervert you yell and kick backwards missing dog and kicking two by four used to hold up roof hard and knock it loose. Oh my god. You hurry to push two by four back in place only to remember your not superman and two by four falls as porch roof collapses down a few more feet. Oops. Fuck it. Go back through doggy door and go to bathroom. Girl duties Done. Whew. Change pants into comfy ugly bell bottom fat girl sweats and turn on tv. Oh shit. My keys. Scramble through drawers to find spare. None. Maybe under pot outside. Who knows. Go out door and close behind you locking you out. Come on. No key under pot. Jump mother Fucking fence again and swear at dog threatening it to stay outta your ass and praying the porch roof doesn't collapse on you as you re go through doggy door. As you get up you trip on giant bell bottom fat girl sweats and fall into dogs water bowl sending water everywhere. Shit shit shiit. Can only find wet piss towel. Think where the Fuck are all my towels? Jesus. At least you remember all the dry rags in car and go outside and almost close door remembering last minute by sticking hand in and getting cut bit finger slammed on. Swear a lot and then remember useless cause car is locked anyhow. Go inside, use dry clothes to soak up water. Put phone back together see of you can call husband to find spare keys. It works! Phone works! Call husband. No answer. Lots of messages. You Listen to them. angry client and husband. Husband wants to know why the debit card is declined. Shit. You say I need to go to the bank as you grab checks and walk out front door slamming it behind you.
5 hours later when husband gets home he finds you drunk on freezer burnt 3 yr old jaeger singing songs in bathroom while laying in the empty tub. Spare keys, it turns out, are tapped to doggy door.