Even though I eat shitty my dogs do not. I try to buy them the best dog food I can find. Not that they eat it without me adding scrambled eggs or mac 'n cheese (stouffers only. Thanks. Oh and is this microwaved? We don't like it that way. Yucky pooey. Now we have to spit our mouthfuls out on the carpet as we tip our bowls over in protest.) but none the less, they don't get the cheap-o, diseased, corn infested crap. Only the best for my spoiled ass dogs. (little cuties. I love dogs with personality and attitute. A little side note real quick, my dad has this dog Ivy, she's a noweigan elkhound and super attitudey but she is also the smarest dog on earth. I swear to this. I have only met one other dog as smart as her, my old dog Regi. But, anyway, Ivy, she learned everything I taught her the very first try. In 10 minutes I taught her to sit, shake, speak, other paw, and stay. When I told my dad he said "don't teach her anymore. I want a dog not a fucking circus monkey." All righty then.)
I used to cook for my dogs back in the day. Well specifically for one of my dogs Kade. (He was this huge black and white dog the size of a pony. He was like a black German shephard/dalmation mix. Originally I wanted a brown female dog. I looked everywhere for one with no luck. Then one day my sister danielle took me to the pound and she saw puppy kade and said "I found it!" And pointed to kade. Um......he was exactly wrong so of course he was perfect.) Thing is at 2 Kade was diagnosed with epilepsy. Poor guy also had allergies to everything including dogfood. If he had a reaction, he would seize. No fun for anyone so i started controlling what he ate in order to control his health.
I experimented with all sorts of shit. I switched up the meats and the the fruits and veggies. I used different color combos to get just the right vitamins and recorded everthing in a binder to remember what he liked and didn't. That dog loved pumpkin, carrots, bananas, strawberries, peppers, apples, watermelon, potatoes, and celery. He hated beets (can you blame him), blueberries, yellow squash, broccoli, kale and cantalope.
I tryed to do something different every week or so because honestly how boring would it be to eat the same thing everyday? Fuck that.
One day I made him raw chicken with pumpkin, apples and a new one to try out, peas. He LOVED it. Gobbled it down with out chewing i swear to god. I recorded peas in my journal of Kade approved foods.
It was a beautiful summer day and so on my lunch break I decided to take kade for a walk. I had no concept of leashes back in the day. ( I never walked kade on one. I got my license suspended because I had over a thousand dollars in dog off leash tickets. Oops.) and he honestly didn't need one. He didn't care about other dogs, in fact he avoided them. He stopped at all intersections and waited for me and he was super friendly to everyone he met. Leash smeash.
I was living in Seattle at the time up in the Roosevelt district. (Which, in my opinion, rules.) We decided to go to Revenna park, Kades favorite place, and so we headed down 12th ave to 65th.
We whistled and skipped the 5 blocks down to 65th. It was a really nice day and everyone was outside enjoying the sun. The mexican resturant across the intersection had its sidewalk blocked off for outside eating and its smelled fucking good and was crowded as hell. (I had to grab kade by his collar and whisper sweet nothings of how i'd kick his fucking ass if he stole anyone's food. Kade was such a good boy like that.)
When we got to the intersection I looked from left to right over and over till I saw an opening in the nonstop flow of cars and said "let's go!" to kade and ran into traffic.
Ok. So. We come to the point in the story where there are is a couple of things you should know. Kade is a champion street shitter.(It's the only place he will poo.) And dogs evidently don't digest peas.
I was at a sprint walk looking back at kade making sure he was right behind me when he started to slow and arch his back.
Of fucking course.
I started frantically waving my hands at cars to stop as kade slowly walk squatted. Cars started honking and people started yelling "get your dog buddy!" (Here's the thing. I know I don't dress all girly, but what the fuck is with that? I am literally, constantly, being mistooken for a man. This is not an ego boost. Fuck.) Kades eyes got really wide as this low hissing sound started excaping from his ass.
I grabbed Kades collar and started to pull him."Let's do this if your gonna mother Fucker." I said. "Shit or get out of the fucking road right fucking now. Here we are kade, in the MIDDLE OF GODDAMN STREET, holding up cars. You are off leash and I'm breaking laws here so let's fucking go."
Kade realized i was way pissed but grunted and whistle farted on. What the fuck did he eat that fucking him up? I yanked on the collar hard and he yanked back popping his head out of it.
That's when the first pea came shooting out like a giant bb and bounced off the ground 4 ft away.
"JESUS!" I yelled as I jumped back. Kades eyes were like saucers as he slowly walk squatted and shot peas and diareah out his ass. He started making small circles cause he kept trying to look back at his ass.
I was jumping all over the place trying to avoid being sprayed. "holy shit stop kade! Fucking stop!" I screamed.
People were gasping and screaming at me. I tryed to push him but fuck that I wasn't getting behind that ass. peas and shit shards were spraying a good two feet behind him. And because Kade wasn't on leash, or currently have a fucking collar on (rotten ass dog) I couldnt yank him out of traffic.
"I'm sorry!" I started yelling at the cars. "its the peas! IT'S THE PEAS! I'm sorry!" I had both lanes of 65th stopped as kade moved as fast as a fucking exploding slug. A woman in a car started screaming as she clung to her husband. Children were crying and asking why? Why? The sun was boiling the ocean, monks sat out and prayed, the birds all flew away and time stood still. basically I was so fucking horrified I thought this was the single worst moment of my life.
Until the patrons of the Mexican restaurant saw what was happening.
Everyone sitting outside was staring in horror. People started running inside and leaving their food.(refryed beans looked a lot like what was coming out Kades ass. I'm just sayin.) Someone gaged, loudly.
"Don't do that!" I screamed at the crowd."You'll make me puke!" and I started heaving.( the sound of people heaving sets me the fuck off.)
"Like I fucking care bitch!" Someone yelled."get your fucking dog!"
"I'm trying!" I yelled. "Calm down! he can't help it! It's the peas!" I mean seriously. The dog had straight up diareah. Explosive even if you count the peas. Which were still shooting out of his ass like Roman candle duds.
People were starting to get really pissed and the resturant owner yelled at me to pick it up.
What? How? I got out my plastic bag and just started at the mess.....um....without a sponge this wasnt gonna wk.
"No...with this!" The resturant owner said and brought out the hose.
You have got to be kidding me.
I grabbed the hose and stared at the street. There was kade slowly shit walking just taking his time. Fuck him. I thought. And Iaimed the hose at my beloved dog."sorry buddy but I hate you." I said and I sprayed him.
He instantly stopped shitting and ran for the sidewalk. Oh would ya look at that! All done now are we? Fucking dog. Poo was everywhere. I started randomly spraying the street as cars slowly tryed to manuver around the mess.
"Sorry, the peas. Sorry." I mumbled to car after car of angry people. You know for a p.c. town that brags about their politeness and exceptence, they sure don't extend that graciousness to just anyone. Guess you gotta be forgein or a bum cause this white girl with a street shitting dog learned a lot of new swear words, hand gestures and what I could go fuck myself with. Jeez.
Realizing I was doing no good with the hose I turned around to apologize to the resturant and grab my shitdog just in time to witness that Kade had knocked the little fence down around the outside eating area and was cleaning peoples plates.
"Bad dog! Bad dog!" A lady started yelling.
"Oh fuck this." I said under my breath and threw down the hose.
I grabbed kade by the neck and yanked him back. He started screaming like he was being beaten. I slipped his collar on and tryed to drag him away. But he wouldn't budge. He just stood there screaming and yanking back like i was trying to drag him to his death.
"nice way to treat your dog." This guy said judging me.
People started nodding their heads and mumbling about what a shitty owner i am.
That was it. I was pissed. It's not like I was enjoying this adventure. "You wanna take a crack at it buddy?" I said reaching my limit."then go ahead! He's all yours!" And I let go of Kades collar and started to walk away.
Nobody moved not even kade.
I made it 2 blocks away when kade went running past me after a squirrel in front of a dude on his bike. He swerved to avoid hitting kade and crashed into a hedge.
Maybe I should retry this leash thing. I thought. As I took off running in the opposite direction.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
10 reasons i hate my dogs
1. They lick their butts and then look at me and wag their tails. It makes me feel inappropriate.
2. They step in their own shit. It doesn't matter that I pick it up everyday or that we have a huge yard. They have shit magnets on their feet. I swear it.
3. The only way they will eat dog food is if the other one did accidentally and then vomited it up. Then they take turns eating the vomit.
4. They lay directly in front of the fan and then fart.....so any air I get is shit air.
5. Joey, my boy, learned how to open doors. When I get home from wk I now have shitfeet, gasbag, asshole dogs passed out on my bed. This is, of course, is because they are so tired from cleaning off the counters with their tongues, chewing holes in my 2500$ white leather couch, knawing on my window sills, burying things in my house plants and chewing up god knows what and leaving it all over the house all day. Poor babies.
6. They bark nonstop at things such as, oh I don't know, plastic bags and pine cones. You know scary stuff.
7. The girl dog, Alabama, is incontinent. She has to take medication twice daily to stop pissing on everything. She hates this medication and will not take it. She spits them out or clamps her mouth shut. She runs from me and If I'm lucky enough to catch her and get one down her throat, its only after we have destroyed a handful of them trying. The month long bottles only last me 2 weeks because of this shit and they cost 50$ a bottle. Oh and if I don't get any down her throat, the only place she pisses is my bed.
8. They love to give us kisses but only after they drink toilet water.
9. If you choose to have privacy while using the bathroom and close the door, they scratch at it, throw their bodies at it and scream like they are dying. When you finally open the door, they run past you and bark and growl at the tub. Seriously.
10. They are my very best friends and my loves. They only live for a decade or so if I'm lucky. When they go my heart breaks and I miss them so much it hurts. Why do they have to be so perfect and cute and wonderful? Damn dogs.
2. They step in their own shit. It doesn't matter that I pick it up everyday or that we have a huge yard. They have shit magnets on their feet. I swear it.
3. The only way they will eat dog food is if the other one did accidentally and then vomited it up. Then they take turns eating the vomit.
4. They lay directly in front of the fan and then fart.....so any air I get is shit air.
5. Joey, my boy, learned how to open doors. When I get home from wk I now have shitfeet, gasbag, asshole dogs passed out on my bed. This is, of course, is because they are so tired from cleaning off the counters with their tongues, chewing holes in my 2500$ white leather couch, knawing on my window sills, burying things in my house plants and chewing up god knows what and leaving it all over the house all day. Poor babies.
6. They bark nonstop at things such as, oh I don't know, plastic bags and pine cones. You know scary stuff.
7. The girl dog, Alabama, is incontinent. She has to take medication twice daily to stop pissing on everything. She hates this medication and will not take it. She spits them out or clamps her mouth shut. She runs from me and If I'm lucky enough to catch her and get one down her throat, its only after we have destroyed a handful of them trying. The month long bottles only last me 2 weeks because of this shit and they cost 50$ a bottle. Oh and if I don't get any down her throat, the only place she pisses is my bed.
8. They love to give us kisses but only after they drink toilet water.
9. If you choose to have privacy while using the bathroom and close the door, they scratch at it, throw their bodies at it and scream like they are dying. When you finally open the door, they run past you and bark and growl at the tub. Seriously.
10. They are my very best friends and my loves. They only live for a decade or so if I'm lucky. When they go my heart breaks and I miss them so much it hurts. Why do they have to be so perfect and cute and wonderful? Damn dogs.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
So....if you've ever been in downtown Bremerton, over by the ferry, then you've been lucky enough to see the bar called the Drift Inn.
It's where I am now, enjoying a pretty cold beer actually. From the looks of the place you'd think it would be warm as piss. The people watching and general entertainment of this place are reason enough to stay, so ice cold cheap beer is just an awesome added bonus.
I can't speak for the men's restroom, but the women's is fucking scary. There's a narrow walkway to the toilet and sink and it smells like the bottom of a fish tank. The door to the stall doesn't close and the toilet leaks. The writing on the walls is all about what number to call to get whatever you want sucked, blown, or fucked, about who's a whore or a cunt, and who may or may not be someone's daddy. There's never any soap or paper towels and if you happen to be in there when some of the "locals" are, they donot recognize common courtesies such as "excuse me", "I'm sorry", "sorry I was in line" or "I SAID THERE'S SOMEONE IN HERE." Basically its pottying at its finest.
They don't take anything but cash and the ancient cash machine inside charges you 3+ to withdraw. They don't make pretty drinks and the bartender would probably spit in it if she did because you made her make it. If you need a drink, you have to be aggressive and be willing to get dirty looks from the regulars because you interupted their conversation with the bartender about all the important stuff in the world like how much pork is at the Super Walmart.
Speaking of the regulars, I've just been informed that I can get a 15$ blow job from the 60yr old handicapped woman with a speach impediment sitting 2 seats down. I cannot, however, get it in the establishment anymore so we will have to go to the alley or my car. In lieu of
payment, I can just buy her a few drinks cause thats what shes giving the blow jobs for anyhow.
Ah, that's ok. I'll pass.
You can apparently smoke anything you want in here too, according to my neighbors "rolled cigarette". The stale air is thick with b.o. and smoke and the shitty fan at the door is blowing a steady steam of both plus chunks of dust into my eyes and beer. Seems like anything goes here except for sitting on the tables which will get you kicked out by the regulars and 86ed by the bartender. Snorting coke in the bathroom? Oh that's ok. Just be prepared to be yelled at and told to go back to "yo mamas nasty ass house you stupid ass bitch" if you walk in on this being done when you finally decide to break the seal and take a piss in their scary ass bathroom.
Putting money in the jukebox is pointless, because I think it has been loaded up about 30+ years ago. Don't get me wrong, i love classic rock but how many times do I really have to listen to baracuda in an hour?
I have been asked by a few old men if I'd like to sit in their lap or watch them play pool (as have every girl in here) and have had 2 "ladies" ask me "what the fuck are you looking at bitch?" I simply smile or shrug and keep my eyes down when someone looks at me. I feel it may be the only way to stay alive.
All in all spending 6 dollars for a nice buzz and some cold beer on a 90 degree day ain't bad and I have to smile to myself because truth is...
This is my kind of bar.
It's where I am now, enjoying a pretty cold beer actually. From the looks of the place you'd think it would be warm as piss. The people watching and general entertainment of this place are reason enough to stay, so ice cold cheap beer is just an awesome added bonus.
I can't speak for the men's restroom, but the women's is fucking scary. There's a narrow walkway to the toilet and sink and it smells like the bottom of a fish tank. The door to the stall doesn't close and the toilet leaks. The writing on the walls is all about what number to call to get whatever you want sucked, blown, or fucked, about who's a whore or a cunt, and who may or may not be someone's daddy. There's never any soap or paper towels and if you happen to be in there when some of the "locals" are, they donot recognize common courtesies such as "excuse me", "I'm sorry", "sorry I was in line" or "I SAID THERE'S SOMEONE IN HERE." Basically its pottying at its finest.
They don't take anything but cash and the ancient cash machine inside charges you 3+ to withdraw. They don't make pretty drinks and the bartender would probably spit in it if she did because you made her make it. If you need a drink, you have to be aggressive and be willing to get dirty looks from the regulars because you interupted their conversation with the bartender about all the important stuff in the world like how much pork is at the Super Walmart.
Speaking of the regulars, I've just been informed that I can get a 15$ blow job from the 60yr old handicapped woman with a speach impediment sitting 2 seats down. I cannot, however, get it in the establishment anymore so we will have to go to the alley or my car. In lieu of
payment, I can just buy her a few drinks cause thats what shes giving the blow jobs for anyhow.
Ah, that's ok. I'll pass.
You can apparently smoke anything you want in here too, according to my neighbors "rolled cigarette". The stale air is thick with b.o. and smoke and the shitty fan at the door is blowing a steady steam of both plus chunks of dust into my eyes and beer. Seems like anything goes here except for sitting on the tables which will get you kicked out by the regulars and 86ed by the bartender. Snorting coke in the bathroom? Oh that's ok. Just be prepared to be yelled at and told to go back to "yo mamas nasty ass house you stupid ass bitch" if you walk in on this being done when you finally decide to break the seal and take a piss in their scary ass bathroom.
Putting money in the jukebox is pointless, because I think it has been loaded up about 30+ years ago. Don't get me wrong, i love classic rock but how many times do I really have to listen to baracuda in an hour?
I have been asked by a few old men if I'd like to sit in their lap or watch them play pool (as have every girl in here) and have had 2 "ladies" ask me "what the fuck are you looking at bitch?" I simply smile or shrug and keep my eyes down when someone looks at me. I feel it may be the only way to stay alive.
All in all spending 6 dollars for a nice buzz and some cold beer on a 90 degree day ain't bad and I have to smile to myself because truth is...
This is my kind of bar.
Friday, July 2, 2010
f you sandman
The other night I had a dream that my brother Andy had this little metal kitten. It didn't have a mullet or anything it was actual metal, like a robot. I asked him if I could pet it and he said "sure but it bites." I shrugged my shoulders and said "whatevez little bro. I iz good wit da kittycats." (I guess I talk like those fucking cheezeburger cats in my dreams. They are so annoying. Cute pictures though.) I picked up the cat and started petting it and it spun around in my hands like a fucking demon, latched on to my finger, and bit fucking HARD.
It was weird cause I knew I was dreaming but it hurt so fucking bad. I kept telling myself to wake up. I could taste metal, like I was biting the cat, not it me. Or was it blood? I started shaking my hand and couldn't get the fucking hell cat off. I tryed prying its mouth open with my other hand when I sprang awake.
And my mouth was full of blood as I was biting off my own finger.
So, now I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear I'll eat myself. That and the fact I have nightmares about every single fucking night. In truth that metal cat making me bite off my finger has nothing on some of the horrifying things and sheer torture my brain puts me through each night.
Maybe its all the abuse I've made it suffer but its definatly out to get me. And honestly I'm scared I'm gonna wake up half naked in the street hitting the pavement with a towel shouting "the fire! The fire! We have to put out the fire!" (In truth, I thankfully couldn't open the front door when I had this dream or q says that's what would of happened.) Once I was woken up by q while I was peeing in a hamper.(he said "are you peeing in the hamper?" I looked at where I was, felt my face flush red and said "no." When he saw the piss leaking out of the bin he said "well do you mind telling me what that is?" I told him it was cat pee. And when he said "then can you tell me why you sitting with your pants around your ankles in a hamper on top of cat pee?" I had no answer.) I have woken up drenched in sweat time and time again because I've almost drowned, been murdered, kidnapped, lost my dogs, couldn't scream, breathe......or well, I think you get the picture. Basically I hate sleeping because eventually I'm fucking certain I'm gonna encounter Freddy Krugar and he's gonna shred me to pieces. I mean seriously. So sleep and I are not good friends and I have beautiful blackish purple eyecircles to prove it. (I'm so pretty.)
When I was a kid I used to have dreams I was blind. I would wake up in a panic rubbing my eyes to make sure I could still see. It happened a lot and it became something I was honestly scared of. I was so sure this was my future I decided to make peace with it and train my other senses to make my transition to blindness a smooth ride.
I would walk around the house with my eyes closed teaching myself every turn, furniture placement, and count my steps from each room. I would drag my hand along the wall to memorize every bump and bend in the drywall so I could tell where I was just by the feel. I would sit on the stairs and listen to everyone's movement below and try to place the noise with the human.
Quiet rustling of 5,000,000 jelly braclets on someone's arm. That would be Alli.
Loud wet mouthy breathing. That's Andy.
Sounds like an elephant walking around. That's Buzzo.
Evil laughing behind me right before being shoved down said stairs. Good ole Brent.
Shit like that.
I started keeping my side of me and Alli's room spotless giving everything its place. I started hiding my treasures and favorite things so that my brothers and sisters couldn't steal from me. I was so convinced that if I was blind my siblings would dress me up like a retard and prance me around town to be made fun of, I cut marks in the tags of my clothes to let me know its color.(ya know like yellow had one cut, blue two, shit like that.)
One morning I came walking eyes closed into the kitchen for breakfast counting off the steps to my seat at the table. I could sense the presence of my shithead little brother Andy (he literally sounded like there was a constant supply of flem in his mouth) and no one else. I addressed him with a nod.
"Why are your eyes closed?" Andy asked.
I sighed, shaking my head at his stupidity and said "practicing being blind."
"Why?" Andy said.
"So I know what its like." I said.
"Why?" Andy asked.
"BECAUSE." I said.
"Because why?" Andy asked and I could hear a smile in his voice.
"Just because." I said.
"Just because why?" Andy said starting to giggle.
"Just fucking because that's fucking why." I said and I heard Andy gasp.
I smiled knowing I got him. I was on a different level than him. I was facing a life changing disability that could strike at any minute. He knew nothing of what I was going to have to endure. How stupid my little brother was. How annoying and stupid.
With my eyes still closed I reached for the cereal box and someone grabbed my arm. I opened my eyes in surprise and saw my dad sitting next to a grinning Andy having breakfast. (milk was literally dripping out of his mouth. Seriously? So fucking gross.)
Oops.
Dad yanked me out of my seat and dragged me to my room. Kicking Alli out, he sat me on my bed and said "so you want to be blind huh?"
Surprised I wasn't being killed I said "no but I know I'm gonna be when I grow up dad so I've been practicing."
My dad just stared at me. Finally he said, "sounds good. I'll buy you a cane. Until then your grounded. So for your sake I hope it comes soon." And got up to leave.
Wait...what? "I'm grounded till I go blind?" I said starting to panic. What if it took months?
"That or when you apologize to your brother and clean his room as your punishment for the swearing." And left the room.
"Well fuck that." I said under my breath and laid down in my bed and waited for darkness.
It was weird cause I knew I was dreaming but it hurt so fucking bad. I kept telling myself to wake up. I could taste metal, like I was biting the cat, not it me. Or was it blood? I started shaking my hand and couldn't get the fucking hell cat off. I tryed prying its mouth open with my other hand when I sprang awake.
And my mouth was full of blood as I was biting off my own finger.
So, now I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear I'll eat myself. That and the fact I have nightmares about every single fucking night. In truth that metal cat making me bite off my finger has nothing on some of the horrifying things and sheer torture my brain puts me through each night.
Maybe its all the abuse I've made it suffer but its definatly out to get me. And honestly I'm scared I'm gonna wake up half naked in the street hitting the pavement with a towel shouting "the fire! The fire! We have to put out the fire!" (In truth, I thankfully couldn't open the front door when I had this dream or q says that's what would of happened.) Once I was woken up by q while I was peeing in a hamper.(he said "are you peeing in the hamper?" I looked at where I was, felt my face flush red and said "no." When he saw the piss leaking out of the bin he said "well do you mind telling me what that is?" I told him it was cat pee. And when he said "then can you tell me why you sitting with your pants around your ankles in a hamper on top of cat pee?" I had no answer.) I have woken up drenched in sweat time and time again because I've almost drowned, been murdered, kidnapped, lost my dogs, couldn't scream, breathe......or well, I think you get the picture. Basically I hate sleeping because eventually I'm fucking certain I'm gonna encounter Freddy Krugar and he's gonna shred me to pieces. I mean seriously. So sleep and I are not good friends and I have beautiful blackish purple eyecircles to prove it. (I'm so pretty.)
When I was a kid I used to have dreams I was blind. I would wake up in a panic rubbing my eyes to make sure I could still see. It happened a lot and it became something I was honestly scared of. I was so sure this was my future I decided to make peace with it and train my other senses to make my transition to blindness a smooth ride.
I would walk around the house with my eyes closed teaching myself every turn, furniture placement, and count my steps from each room. I would drag my hand along the wall to memorize every bump and bend in the drywall so I could tell where I was just by the feel. I would sit on the stairs and listen to everyone's movement below and try to place the noise with the human.
Quiet rustling of 5,000,000 jelly braclets on someone's arm. That would be Alli.
Loud wet mouthy breathing. That's Andy.
Sounds like an elephant walking around. That's Buzzo.
Evil laughing behind me right before being shoved down said stairs. Good ole Brent.
Shit like that.
I started keeping my side of me and Alli's room spotless giving everything its place. I started hiding my treasures and favorite things so that my brothers and sisters couldn't steal from me. I was so convinced that if I was blind my siblings would dress me up like a retard and prance me around town to be made fun of, I cut marks in the tags of my clothes to let me know its color.(ya know like yellow had one cut, blue two, shit like that.)
One morning I came walking eyes closed into the kitchen for breakfast counting off the steps to my seat at the table. I could sense the presence of my shithead little brother Andy (he literally sounded like there was a constant supply of flem in his mouth) and no one else. I addressed him with a nod.
"Why are your eyes closed?" Andy asked.
I sighed, shaking my head at his stupidity and said "practicing being blind."
"Why?" Andy said.
"So I know what its like." I said.
"Why?" Andy asked.
"BECAUSE." I said.
"Because why?" Andy asked and I could hear a smile in his voice.
"Just because." I said.
"Just because why?" Andy said starting to giggle.
"Just fucking because that's fucking why." I said and I heard Andy gasp.
I smiled knowing I got him. I was on a different level than him. I was facing a life changing disability that could strike at any minute. He knew nothing of what I was going to have to endure. How stupid my little brother was. How annoying and stupid.
With my eyes still closed I reached for the cereal box and someone grabbed my arm. I opened my eyes in surprise and saw my dad sitting next to a grinning Andy having breakfast. (milk was literally dripping out of his mouth. Seriously? So fucking gross.)
Oops.
Dad yanked me out of my seat and dragged me to my room. Kicking Alli out, he sat me on my bed and said "so you want to be blind huh?"
Surprised I wasn't being killed I said "no but I know I'm gonna be when I grow up dad so I've been practicing."
My dad just stared at me. Finally he said, "sounds good. I'll buy you a cane. Until then your grounded. So for your sake I hope it comes soon." And got up to leave.
Wait...what? "I'm grounded till I go blind?" I said starting to panic. What if it took months?
"That or when you apologize to your brother and clean his room as your punishment for the swearing." And left the room.
"Well fuck that." I said under my breath and laid down in my bed and waited for darkness.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
this is what happens when i watch fraiser.
Ah the life.
Does it get any better than this?
PROBABLY.
I hate not having a computer. I do all of my writing here on my phone. My eyeballs are screaming at me. My thumbs are tired of doing all the work and I keep pressing the wrong button and deleting different things, like say all my contacts.
But the price of everything adds up and when I get my bills each month I am horrified by all the shit I have to pay for. Cable, lights, heat, phones, gas, cars, insurance, house, food, credit cards, dogs.
But I gotta. And when I hear I may have to pay one more for a service I'm already paying for on my phone I just can't do it (and quint won't let me anyhow.)
So I need an excape other than my beautiful writing.(haha). Well I mean besides drinking. Oh or my dogs. Or my vampires. Or my music. Or...fuck it I just want to go on fucking vacation.
I want to go to Hawaii and lay in the sun on the beach for 7 days and not worry about a god damn thing except should I drink vodka or rum tonight? Q is on bored. He is ready to "fucking go right now!" so I am trying to save the cash yo. But I tell you...its just not that easy. Things, expensive things, keep happening and well, I happen to love trinkets.
I cannot be stopped and I must be. I have to give myself little goals to avoid the loot stores. If I go a week with no purchases I can get one little thing the next week. That has never worked. I have trinketmania. Every counter, window sill, table, any open surface really, is covered with my loot. My things. My pretties.
I love them. Besides my dogs they are the only things in my will. Seriously. Because I'm loser and I have nothing. Yay!
Plus whoever gets my dogs is gonna be pissed because they have all these rules ya gotta follow, and well all my loot is either owls, dogs,....no yeah that's pretty much it.
I know what I want when my parents get on outta here. This painting of a murderer walking down a cracked sidewalk that reminds me of Illinois (BACK OFF ALLI), and the grandfather clock.
I love that grandfather clock. It is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Every 15 minutes it sounds off letting you know that one more hour of your life is almost over and you have done nothing bit sit on your ass wasting away being a loser. Or, oh, I'm sorry, I mean it sings a pretty song and....oh who the fuck cares.
I need a fucking vacation.
Does it get any better than this?
PROBABLY.
I hate not having a computer. I do all of my writing here on my phone. My eyeballs are screaming at me. My thumbs are tired of doing all the work and I keep pressing the wrong button and deleting different things, like say all my contacts.
But the price of everything adds up and when I get my bills each month I am horrified by all the shit I have to pay for. Cable, lights, heat, phones, gas, cars, insurance, house, food, credit cards, dogs.
But I gotta. And when I hear I may have to pay one more for a service I'm already paying for on my phone I just can't do it (and quint won't let me anyhow.)
So I need an excape other than my beautiful writing.(haha). Well I mean besides drinking. Oh or my dogs. Or my vampires. Or my music. Or...fuck it I just want to go on fucking vacation.
I want to go to Hawaii and lay in the sun on the beach for 7 days and not worry about a god damn thing except should I drink vodka or rum tonight? Q is on bored. He is ready to "fucking go right now!" so I am trying to save the cash yo. But I tell you...its just not that easy. Things, expensive things, keep happening and well, I happen to love trinkets.
I cannot be stopped and I must be. I have to give myself little goals to avoid the loot stores. If I go a week with no purchases I can get one little thing the next week. That has never worked. I have trinketmania. Every counter, window sill, table, any open surface really, is covered with my loot. My things. My pretties.
I love them. Besides my dogs they are the only things in my will. Seriously. Because I'm loser and I have nothing. Yay!
Plus whoever gets my dogs is gonna be pissed because they have all these rules ya gotta follow, and well all my loot is either owls, dogs,....no yeah that's pretty much it.
I know what I want when my parents get on outta here. This painting of a murderer walking down a cracked sidewalk that reminds me of Illinois (BACK OFF ALLI), and the grandfather clock.
I love that grandfather clock. It is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Every 15 minutes it sounds off letting you know that one more hour of your life is almost over and you have done nothing bit sit on your ass wasting away being a loser. Or, oh, I'm sorry, I mean it sings a pretty song and....oh who the fuck cares.
I need a fucking vacation.
i bet
Q gets mad at me because when he is pissed I think its funny (then annoying). His face gets so red and he starts using his arms to explain everything and uses the words "literally" and "actually" in every sentence and bobs his head and paces the house and points a lot. He told me I'm an asshole for laughing at peoples pain and agony and I find that, if q is around, when people fall down or get hurt I have to hide my laughter cause he will lecture me loudly IN PUBLIC about how its just not nice to laugh at ones pain (TALK ABOUT THE FUN POLICE. JESUS.)
But seriously? How can that be true? I mean that's how those stupid shows about funniest home videos got famous. Come on. Every single one of them is about some one falling down, or hitting their nuts, or generally just hurting themselves or someone else. Q says its mean that I laugh when people get hurt and I say fuck that its a billion dollar industry and whatever, that shit is FUNNY. When Im feeling blue, I just think back and remember the victims face or awesome last words and I laugh hysterically at my inside joke and pep right on up.(this one time it was icy out and q said to me and my stepson payton, "wait here let me see if the driveway is icy." When he started down it he slipped, arms flailing, screaming "HELP ME!" and landed on his ass so hard his head danced around like a bobblehead. I had to cover my mouth and paytons to stop us from laughing. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he was ok my voice shook and he got all pissy cause I was laughing. Which made me laugh harder. Of course.) When I told Quint that I am not alone, that most people love to watch Americas funniest Home Videos because of the pain people were suffering, he said "no, its because of the host. Bob Saget."
Are you fucking kidding me?
Bob fucking Saget is the worst part of that show. It makes me want to punch him in the face and I hate the studio audience for laughing at him and egging him on.(However I must ask, have you ever seen his stand up though? It's awesome actually. That shit is straight up funny and dirty. I would have no respect for him if I had never seen his stand up on tv. Someone must of paid him big time to tell those fucked up jokes on AFHV. I don't even know how he can live with himself.)
Speaking of Mr.Bob, he performed once at this comedy club called Giggles that was down the street from my house when I lived in Seattle. Right next door to that, was the bar I always hung out at, Dante's. This bar was straight up frat boy shit, not my style, but my roomate worked there and they had awesome drink specials. (Oh and there was some great people watching in that joint. SERIOUSLY.)
I honestly had no idea Bob was performing there and in my inibriated state I must of subconsciously seen his name on the sign because while drinking with my friends I announced that "I found out who slashed my tires. It was Bob Saget." Out of nowhere just to be funny. I really did, the night before, get my tires slashed and I thought it might be this straight up bitch who I got in an argument with about how feeding your dog whiskey was fucked up. (she said "no it isn't he tries to hump everything. It's hilarious." And tried to show me pictures. Fucking gross whore.)
We all started laughing and the people at the table behind us said "that's a lie."
I turned around, looked at a large group of drunk ass frat boys, and said "no it isn't. We used to date and he's pissed I dumped him." And my table nodded in agreement.
"Oh really?" One of the guys said." I bet you 50$ your lying." And his table "hell yeah!"ed and high 5'ed.
Whatever. "Right on." I said and shook his hand cause really? How was he gonna prove that? For all he knew I was the fucking tooth fairy. Dumbass. Go ahead and prove it. Motherfucker just payed my tab yo.
"There he is now. I'm gonna go ask him if he knows you." The dude said and started to get up.
There who is? I thought and turned in the direction he was looking. And there surrounded by two huge black men was Bob Motherfucking Saget.
"No way...." I said not believing my eyes. Was I that wasted? I looked at my homies and my brother said "yep there he is. Molly go tell him to fuck off." And he whispered " fuck you Molly. We don't have 50$ and those dudes will totally kick our asses. So fucking go the fuck over there and make that shit look good." And shoved me off my seat.
What was happening? I thought as I walked toward my "x-boyfriend."
"I got this." I squeaked to the frat boy. He stopped, gestured me to go ahead, flashed me a huge grin and mouthed "50 dollars" And patted my back.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Well, here I goes. I thought. I got to Bob, tapped him on the shoulder and said "um, Bob? That was pretty shitty of you ya know, I realize your in love with me but you didn't have to slash my tires. We are over and you need to get over it." And I winked at him, turned towards my brother and friends and gave them a thumbs up.
Ok, now if you have ever seen my try to wink, I literally look like someone with a bad spasm and my whole face contorts and both eyes actually close but one just seems to stay open a wee bit cause I swear I can see outta it.
One of the huge black guys looked at Bob and said "you want me to throw her the fuck out?" And grabbed my arm.
The entire bar at this point had come to a complete halt. My brother and our friends were looking at me like I was crazy. Nicole was smiling like an insane person and the frat dudes were frozen in shock. Bob was just staring at me and so I winked again. He cringed back and said "no, its ok."
He walked right up to me bent down to meet my eyes and said "well maybe if you wernt such a whore, and fucked both my guys here," pointing to both huge black dudes "I wouldn't of had to fuck up your car." Then he straightened back up and crossed his arms over his chest.
I didn't even know what to do. We just stood there staring at each other when the huge guy holding my arm said "yeah you foxy little minx." And patted my ass.
I started to grin and Bob copied me. "Well, then." I said grinning from ear to ear "guess were even then." And held out my hand. "Friends?"
Bob took my hand kissed the back of it and said "friends. But I will always love you." And he winked at me and walked away.
Not only did I get 50$ and the satisfaction of watching those frat boys pay up, but Bob Sagett bought my table a round of drinks and told the waitress to tell me "hope it was as good for you as it was for me."
Oh Bob.
But seriously? How can that be true? I mean that's how those stupid shows about funniest home videos got famous. Come on. Every single one of them is about some one falling down, or hitting their nuts, or generally just hurting themselves or someone else. Q says its mean that I laugh when people get hurt and I say fuck that its a billion dollar industry and whatever, that shit is FUNNY. When Im feeling blue, I just think back and remember the victims face or awesome last words and I laugh hysterically at my inside joke and pep right on up.(this one time it was icy out and q said to me and my stepson payton, "wait here let me see if the driveway is icy." When he started down it he slipped, arms flailing, screaming "HELP ME!" and landed on his ass so hard his head danced around like a bobblehead. I had to cover my mouth and paytons to stop us from laughing. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he was ok my voice shook and he got all pissy cause I was laughing. Which made me laugh harder. Of course.) When I told Quint that I am not alone, that most people love to watch Americas funniest Home Videos because of the pain people were suffering, he said "no, its because of the host. Bob Saget."
Are you fucking kidding me?
Bob fucking Saget is the worst part of that show. It makes me want to punch him in the face and I hate the studio audience for laughing at him and egging him on.(However I must ask, have you ever seen his stand up though? It's awesome actually. That shit is straight up funny and dirty. I would have no respect for him if I had never seen his stand up on tv. Someone must of paid him big time to tell those fucked up jokes on AFHV. I don't even know how he can live with himself.)
Speaking of Mr.Bob, he performed once at this comedy club called Giggles that was down the street from my house when I lived in Seattle. Right next door to that, was the bar I always hung out at, Dante's. This bar was straight up frat boy shit, not my style, but my roomate worked there and they had awesome drink specials. (Oh and there was some great people watching in that joint. SERIOUSLY.)
I honestly had no idea Bob was performing there and in my inibriated state I must of subconsciously seen his name on the sign because while drinking with my friends I announced that "I found out who slashed my tires. It was Bob Saget." Out of nowhere just to be funny. I really did, the night before, get my tires slashed and I thought it might be this straight up bitch who I got in an argument with about how feeding your dog whiskey was fucked up. (she said "no it isn't he tries to hump everything. It's hilarious." And tried to show me pictures. Fucking gross whore.)
We all started laughing and the people at the table behind us said "that's a lie."
I turned around, looked at a large group of drunk ass frat boys, and said "no it isn't. We used to date and he's pissed I dumped him." And my table nodded in agreement.
"Oh really?" One of the guys said." I bet you 50$ your lying." And his table "hell yeah!"ed and high 5'ed.
Whatever. "Right on." I said and shook his hand cause really? How was he gonna prove that? For all he knew I was the fucking tooth fairy. Dumbass. Go ahead and prove it. Motherfucker just payed my tab yo.
"There he is now. I'm gonna go ask him if he knows you." The dude said and started to get up.
There who is? I thought and turned in the direction he was looking. And there surrounded by two huge black men was Bob Motherfucking Saget.
"No way...." I said not believing my eyes. Was I that wasted? I looked at my homies and my brother said "yep there he is. Molly go tell him to fuck off." And he whispered " fuck you Molly. We don't have 50$ and those dudes will totally kick our asses. So fucking go the fuck over there and make that shit look good." And shoved me off my seat.
What was happening? I thought as I walked toward my "x-boyfriend."
"I got this." I squeaked to the frat boy. He stopped, gestured me to go ahead, flashed me a huge grin and mouthed "50 dollars" And patted my back.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Well, here I goes. I thought. I got to Bob, tapped him on the shoulder and said "um, Bob? That was pretty shitty of you ya know, I realize your in love with me but you didn't have to slash my tires. We are over and you need to get over it." And I winked at him, turned towards my brother and friends and gave them a thumbs up.
Ok, now if you have ever seen my try to wink, I literally look like someone with a bad spasm and my whole face contorts and both eyes actually close but one just seems to stay open a wee bit cause I swear I can see outta it.
One of the huge black guys looked at Bob and said "you want me to throw her the fuck out?" And grabbed my arm.
The entire bar at this point had come to a complete halt. My brother and our friends were looking at me like I was crazy. Nicole was smiling like an insane person and the frat dudes were frozen in shock. Bob was just staring at me and so I winked again. He cringed back and said "no, its ok."
He walked right up to me bent down to meet my eyes and said "well maybe if you wernt such a whore, and fucked both my guys here," pointing to both huge black dudes "I wouldn't of had to fuck up your car." Then he straightened back up and crossed his arms over his chest.
I didn't even know what to do. We just stood there staring at each other when the huge guy holding my arm said "yeah you foxy little minx." And patted my ass.
I started to grin and Bob copied me. "Well, then." I said grinning from ear to ear "guess were even then." And held out my hand. "Friends?"
Bob took my hand kissed the back of it and said "friends. But I will always love you." And he winked at me and walked away.
Not only did I get 50$ and the satisfaction of watching those frat boys pay up, but Bob Sagett bought my table a round of drinks and told the waitress to tell me "hope it was as good for you as it was for me."
Oh Bob.
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