Monday, July 19, 2010

good doggy

Even though I eat shitty my dogs do not. I try to buy them the best dog food I can find. Not that they eat it without me adding scrambled eggs or mac 'n cheese (stouffers only. Thanks. Oh and is this microwaved? We don't like it that way. Yucky pooey. Now we have to spit our mouthfuls out on the carpet as we tip our bowls over in protest.) but none the less, they don't get the cheap-o, diseased, corn infested crap. Only the best for my spoiled ass dogs. (little cuties. I love dogs with personality and attitute. A little side note real quick, my dad has this dog Ivy, she's a noweigan elkhound and super attitudey but she is also the smarest dog on earth. I swear to this. I have only met one other dog as smart as her, my old dog Regi. But, anyway, Ivy, she learned everything I taught her the very first try. In 10 minutes I taught her to sit, shake, speak, other paw, and stay. When I told my dad he said "don't teach her anymore. I want a dog not a fucking circus monkey." All righty then.)

I used to cook for my dogs back in the day. Well specifically for one of my dogs Kade. (He was this huge black and white dog the size of a pony. He was like a black German shephard/dalmation mix. Originally I wanted a brown female dog. I looked everywhere for one with no luck. Then one day my sister danielle took me to the pound and she saw puppy kade and said "I found it!" And pointed to kade. Um......he was exactly wrong so of course he was perfect.) Thing is at 2 Kade was diagnosed with epilepsy. Poor guy also had allergies to everything including dogfood. If he had a reaction, he would seize. No fun for anyone so i started controlling what he ate in order to control his health.

I experimented with all sorts of shit. I switched up the meats and the the fruits and veggies. I used different color combos to get just the right vitamins and recorded everthing in a binder to remember what he liked and didn't. That dog loved pumpkin, carrots, bananas, strawberries, peppers, apples, watermelon, potatoes, and celery. He hated beets (can you blame him), blueberries, yellow squash, broccoli, kale and cantalope.
I tryed to do something different every week or so because honestly how boring would it be to eat the same thing everyday? Fuck that.

One day I made him raw chicken with pumpkin, apples and a new one to try out, peas. He LOVED it. Gobbled it down with out chewing i swear to god. I recorded peas in my journal of Kade approved foods.

It was a beautiful summer day and so on my lunch break I decided to take kade for a walk. I had no concept of leashes back in the day. ( I never walked kade on one. I got my license suspended because I had over a thousand dollars in dog off leash tickets. Oops.) and he honestly didn't need one. He didn't care about other dogs, in fact he avoided them. He stopped at all intersections and waited for me and he was super friendly to everyone he met. Leash smeash.

I was living in Seattle at the time up in the Roosevelt district. (Which, in my opinion, rules.) We decided to go to Revenna park, Kades favorite place, and so we headed down 12th ave to 65th.

We whistled and skipped the 5 blocks down to 65th. It was a really nice day and everyone was outside enjoying the sun. The mexican resturant across the intersection had its sidewalk blocked off for outside eating and its smelled fucking good and was crowded as hell. (I had to grab kade by his collar and whisper sweet nothings of how i'd kick his fucking ass if he stole anyone's food. Kade was such a good boy like that.)

When we got to the intersection I looked from left to right over and over till I saw an opening in the nonstop flow of cars and said "let's go!" to kade and ran into traffic.

Ok. So. We come to the point in the story where there are is a couple of things you should know. Kade is a champion street shitter.(It's the only place he will poo.) And dogs evidently don't digest peas.

I was at a sprint walk looking back at kade making sure he was right behind me when he started to slow and arch his back.

Of fucking course.

I started frantically waving my hands at cars to stop as kade slowly walk squatted. Cars started honking and people started yelling "get your dog buddy!" (Here's the thing. I know I don't dress all girly, but what the fuck is with that? I am literally, constantly, being mistooken for a man. This is not an ego boost. Fuck.) Kades eyes got really wide as this low hissing sound started excaping from his ass.

I grabbed Kades collar and started to pull him."Let's do this if your gonna mother Fucker." I said. "Shit or get out of the fucking road right fucking now. Here we are kade, in the MIDDLE OF GODDAMN STREET, holding up cars. You are off leash and I'm breaking laws here so let's fucking go."

Kade realized i was way pissed but grunted and whistle farted on. What the fuck did he eat that fucking him up? I yanked on the collar hard and he yanked back popping his head out of it.

That's when the first pea came shooting out like a giant bb and bounced off the ground 4 ft away.

"JESUS!" I yelled as I jumped back. Kades eyes were like saucers as he slowly walk squatted and shot peas and diareah out his ass. He started making small circles cause he kept trying to look back at his ass.

I was jumping all over the place trying to avoid being sprayed. "holy shit stop kade! Fucking stop!" I screamed.

People were gasping and screaming at me. I tryed to push him but fuck that I wasn't getting behind that ass. peas and shit shards were spraying a good two feet behind him. And because Kade wasn't on leash, or currently have a fucking collar on (rotten ass dog) I couldnt yank him out of traffic.

"I'm sorry!" I started yelling at the cars. "its the peas! IT'S THE PEAS! I'm sorry!" I had both lanes of 65th stopped as kade moved as fast as a fucking exploding slug. A woman in a car started screaming as she clung to her husband. Children were crying and asking why? Why? The sun was boiling the ocean, monks sat out and prayed, the birds all flew away and time stood still. basically I was so fucking horrified I thought this was the single worst moment of my life.

Until the patrons of the Mexican restaurant saw what was happening.

Everyone sitting outside was staring in horror. People started running inside and leaving their food.(refryed beans looked a lot like what was coming out Kades ass. I'm just sayin.) Someone gaged, loudly.

"Don't do that!" I screamed at the crowd."You'll make me puke!" and I started heaving.( the sound of people heaving sets me the fuck off.)

"Like I fucking care bitch!" Someone yelled."get your fucking dog!"

"I'm trying!" I yelled. "Calm down! he can't help it! It's the peas!" I mean seriously. The dog had straight up diareah. Explosive even if you count the peas. Which were still shooting out of his ass like Roman candle duds.

People were starting to get really pissed and the resturant owner yelled at me to pick it up.

What? How? I got out my plastic bag and just started at the a sponge this wasnt gonna wk.

"No...with this!" The resturant owner said and brought out the hose.

You have got to be kidding me.

I grabbed the hose and stared at the street. There was kade slowly shit walking just taking his time. Fuck him. I thought. And Iaimed the hose at my beloved dog."sorry buddy but I hate you." I said and I sprayed him.

He instantly stopped shitting and ran for the sidewalk. Oh would ya look at that! All done now are we? Fucking dog. Poo was everywhere. I started randomly spraying the street as cars slowly tryed to manuver around the mess.

"Sorry, the peas. Sorry." I mumbled to car after car of angry people. You know for a p.c. town that brags about their politeness and exceptence, they sure don't extend that graciousness to just anyone. Guess you gotta be forgein or a bum cause this white girl with a street shitting dog learned a lot of new swear words, hand gestures and what I could go fuck myself with. Jeez.

Realizing I was doing no good with the hose I turned around to apologize to the resturant and grab my shitdog just in time to witness that Kade had knocked the little fence down around the outside eating area and was cleaning peoples plates.

"Bad dog! Bad dog!" A lady started yelling.

"Oh fuck this." I said under my breath and threw down the hose.

I grabbed kade by the neck and yanked him back. He started screaming like he was being beaten. I slipped his collar on and tryed to drag him away. But he wouldn't budge. He just stood there screaming and yanking back like i was trying to drag him to his death.

"nice way to treat your dog." This guy said judging me.

People started nodding their heads and mumbling about what a shitty owner i am.

That was it. I was pissed. It's not like I was enjoying this adventure. "You wanna take a crack at it buddy?" I said reaching my limit."then go ahead! He's all yours!" And I let go of Kades collar and started to walk away.

Nobody moved not even kade.

I made it 2 blocks away when kade went running past me after a squirrel in front of a dude on his bike. He swerved to avoid hitting kade and crashed into a hedge.

Maybe I should retry this leash thing. I thought. As I took off running in the opposite direction.


  1. hey bitch-get ta writin!!! I'm sick of not seeing anything new! ;)

  2. HAHA...Girl, you are killing me.