Tuesday, September 21, 2010


I have been on a mission to decrap my house. My friend Jen told me to get rid of one thing everyday. This way it wont be overwhelming and I don't get rid of anything in my blind haste to rid myself of everything I own so that i no longer have to clean. I was tempted. Really tempted. I clean all fucking day for work. When I get home, its honestly the last thing i want to do. But I love a clean house. So I thought really what more do I need than a bed, couch and tv?

It's amazing how much tupperware someone like me, who doesn't cook, owns. Plus I keep nothing. Any left overs go to my dogs. And honestly I don't think any of these fucking odd shaped squares I own have any lids anyway. And they take up a whole cupboard because none of them fit in together. I opened the cupboard and they literally fell all over me. It's stupid and useless and they gotta go. But when I put them in the to go pile I realized suddenly that I love small odd square plastic containers and when I went to sleep i dremt about needing them and I even had one as a purse, which contained a puppy. So next day, not only did they come out of the pile, I bought a huge box of new ones after I tested each size for puppy perfectness.

Fuck. You guys, I'm crazy.

I have like 5 cookie jars and none of them have cookies in them. I eat all the cookies in one day....they dont have enough time to get stale. In one jar there was change, 73 cents to be exact. In another there was a pair of socks. Nicely folded around a half a slim Jim. I'm sorry but I don't even wanna know what the fuck thats about.

The other 3 were empty and stupid. But again as soon as they sat in that I hate you pile I started to get sad and soon everything had a name and was promised to be loved. Q says I have a velvateen rabbit complex. He says ceramic dog cookie jars that are cracked in half and taped together with duct tape are called garbage not James.

Whatever. I'm trying. I found a broken mirror in between the mattress and box spring that i hid there because I thought the bad guys couldn't give me seven years bad luck if they couldnt find it. I got rid of that! I had to bag it twice and hide in the garbage after midnight but its gone!

Quint thinks maybe I need a vacation. He said we could go somewhere nice and quite and I could relax. He said maybe if I had a calm environment maybe I could stay out of the nuthouse another year or so. I said sure and maybe you don't need 3 guitars. Maybe one is all you need and the needy can have the others. He quickly changed tune and patted James on his way to the kitchen.

Its not easy ridding myself of my treasures. I want the easy way, I want not to dust or constantly organize but I love my stuff. I don't know why inatimate objects mean so much to me but they do. When i was a kid my dad used to set us free in jafco and while everyone else went to play with the electronics I would go to their stuffed animal isle dump them all on the floor and sort them and put them away upright so they aren't uncomfortable. I used to hug each one whisper "when noone is around you can dance and sing, when people are here you are to remain asleep. You will see no harm and feel no pain, and even if I don't buy you I love you just the same." I used to sneak in a pen and write names on their tags of my favorite ones. I used to hide these ones behind others so some asshole kid didn't get them and I could come back to see them again. It's funny cause I don't remember ever telling anyone I did this but one christmas, I got 3 of my favorite stuffed animals with names written on their tags. It was pretty awesome.

At anyrate, I will continue to get rid of one thing till christmas day....that's my goal. So far its been two days and I've got the mirror and a book about 365 days of healthy eating. I honestly don't know what that was even doing in my house. It's a fucking cookbook. About healthy eating. In MY house. I could hear the cheetos and ding dongs clapping when I threw it in the pile. Wish me luck this isn't going to be easy. Q says I should get rid of the doll wrapped in a towel shoved behind his jeans in his closet. He says its obvious I hate it. But I don't, I've had the thing since I was a kid and i love it but I dont know about you but Talking Tina on twilight zone ruined my shit. And Chucky pretty much sealed the deal so I told him I'm afraid to throw her out for fear she'll kill me or maim the dogs.

He told me he'd wait for me while I spend my turn in a padded room. What a guy.

Friday, September 17, 2010


In a week nicole and I are doing the breast cancer 3 day walk. It's sixty miles in 3 days. We did the same walk 2 years ago. It was really cool and emotional and amazing. It was an experience I will never forget. I laughed and cried and bonded with some amazing people. It was 70 degrees everyday and sunny. It was new and exciting and unexpected. I loved it.

This yr....10 day forcast says its going to rain, I get winded walking the dogs around the block, I am 20 lbs heavier, my knees hurt when I walk uphill, and I know what it takes to walk 20 miles a day. It sucks. A lot. I also know what happens to a port a potty in 70 degree weather with thousands of people using them. Fuck off....I just threw up in my mouth...I can't even picture that hell without gagging. I can't do this.

I'm going to die.

Last time on the second day I got so dehydrated I almost had to be hooked up to an iv. I refused it because the medical tent was just that....a tent. I was in the grass on a cot that had what I could only hope was a pop stain as the nurse said it to be. This didn't feel sanitary enough to start opening up my veins. It was weird cause the doc said I got dehydrated because I drank gatoraid and no water. Go figure. How the fuck was I supposed to know? The doc said you have to drink a glass of water for every gatoraid. Wtf? The commercials don't tell you that. They show pretty people with rad bodies and lots of money sweating the color of the gatoraid they drank while getting the work out of a lifetime. It doesn't say "leathal disgusting beverage" anywhere. I hate it when tv lies to me.

It was really weird being dehydrated. My face felt like it melted and I couldn't make my legs move when I wanted them to. It was sorta rad except I kept thinking I was gonna puke. Nicole kept staring at me and asking me if i was ok but she looked like she was in a tunnel and her voice sounded far far away. It was weird. I couldn't really talk cause anything that took any energy was out of the question. I just slowly put one foot in front of the other till we got back to the campsite. I won't be doing that this year.....fuck gatoraid. If I'm gonna get dehydrated, I'll drink alcohol thanks. At least then it tastes good and I get a buzz.

In preparation for the 3 day we are supposed to train for months before the walk. They send you these emails every fucking week telling you where you should be at in your training but I just ignored them and wished I could block them off my email list. I mean shut up already. I get it. Put one foot in front of the other and repeat. This is called walking! Fuck. It wasn't hard to walk 20 miles a day it just fucking sucks ass. There is no training that will undo that fact. There is not exercise that will make it fun and exciting and not at all boring. There is no special cream to make quarter sized blisters go away or just not appear. It's friction on skin....that shit just happens. The last thing im going to do is practice all year and get blisters over and over again. Fuck that I'll just wait and get them once thanks. There is no special way to walk to make it all not suck. Nada. It's just walking anyone can do it. Plus it's not a race, they don't even let you run if you wanted to. At all. Like not even across the street or to catch the ice cream man (he was getting away!) So I can literally go as slow as i want. They encourage it. I mean, if you run they will pick you up in their little patrol cars and take you to the campsite. Day over. Bad walker. Fuck that, maybe I will start to run first thing off and then just get wasted in my tent. Hey a girl can dream.

Last time we tryed to escape in the night to find a bar or a store with beer. We couldn't get out of Marymore park where our campsite was. They had the place locked down tight. Noone was getting in or out. As much as I appreciated that (they kept out the murderers...hey tents don't lock and the can be cut open. There is a reason i dont camp.) I also found it fucking annoying that I couldn't leave. They hired these biker chicks to patrol the grounds and they wernt falling for my story about needing tampons. I unfortunately forgot I was with a couple thousand women."borrow one." The biker told me."what? Gross. I doubt they want that back." I said jokingly. She just stood there and stared at me untill I turned and walked back to my tent. All we wanted was a couple 40s. I mean its not easy going to bed at 7:30 even when your tired. Especially when there is an outdoor concert going on at the same place that's louder than shit. Super tiredness will just turn into anxiety without the proper drugs. I'm going prepared this time.

I got earplugs, a flask and some benadryl. I am bringing cash and a small backpack so i can hit the first grocery or gas station i find and stow a brewski in it back to camp. Busch light on ice with a benadryl? Sounds like a party in the team maddog and coco tent.

It's gonna be a long weekend.

I hate breast cancer.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Hiya papaya!

Got a couple messages in my absence. The first was a message asking if i was dead and if so could I let them know. Um...I thought that was weird cause how would I answer if I was so I wrote back telling him "yes. I am. Please in liu of flowers send money." Lets see how that works out.

I have to also respond to the message from Mr. Or Mrs."anoymous". Why yes, you fucking pussy, I do kiss my mother with this mouth (and yours too bitch). Thanks for asking. Oh and in regards to the alcoholic accusation.....sounds to me like your just a bit jealous mate. Your probably a recovering alcoholic so you find it your duty to go around judging others. Your just pissed cause at 10am I had a bloody Mary and a taco. Guess what? I plan on drinking 6 beers at least today.(with lemon). Last night I had 2 glasses of whiskey and 4 beers and laughed my ass of for hours. I think your a sore loser and an asshole. Plus I think your a cock sucking douche bag with a fucking exclamation point problem (do you really need one after every sentence? God your stupid.) And you have a bad attitude and i have a feeling you have bad breath too since your so concerned about my mouth.Might wanna get on that. Careful though.....don't wanna have a relapse accidentally swallowing some mouth wash.

Cheers bitch!