Thursday, May 24, 2012

I used to love going with my mom to the grocery store. It was a chance to get out of the house go for a ride and enjoy the scenery. Hahahahahaha I don't know I just always hoped she'd buy me a present. That way I could go home and show my brother and sisters that the parents do indeed love me best and hate them.

Anyway, so one fine day when i was in 7th grade, I joined Linda on a shopping expedition to the local piggly wiggly. My parents liked piggly wiggly better than mega foods or Safeway cause "the isles are wider and the shopping cart wheels don't squeal." my dad said. My stepmom sat there nodding and then added "plus, it isn't as crowded and there's always plenty of ripe bananas."


So when we got to the piggly wiggly, I let Linda know I was gonna go look at the magazines. I mean I needed my Bon Jovi fix. Back in the day this is how you got the info. We didn't have Internet or that shit and my parents wouldn't buy cable so besides anything the radio told me this is how I got my facts. I was flipping through the pages of metal edge when I heard "molly! Do you need any Kotex?" looking around wondering if this was intended for this Molly I yelled back "what?"
"DO YOU NEED ANY KOTEX?!" my stepmom yelled even louder from an isle over.
"hold on!" I yelled back going to look for her.
As I rounded the isle i kept thinking what the fuck is a kotex? Then I spotted my mom. She was standing there looking straight up holding a giant box of pads. I froze. There were people everywhere. Most were staring at the crazy woman yelling at the ceiling. I started to run for her hoping to get to her and keep her quite. She dropped her eyes right on me and threw her arms in the air pads held high to the sky "there you are! Do you need any Kotex? Are you on your period?" and shook the box.
I was running full speed but I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. Finally i got to her and I knocked the box out of her hand and yelled "shut up Linda!" As spit came shooting in all directions as it bounced off my head gear and braces.
"Molly!" she said picking up the pads" what is your problem? Do you need any Kotex or not? And don't go grabbing for those tampons you know you can't use those yet." (here's the thing. My mom wouldn't let us use tampons until we were older. I get it she didn't want us jamming things on there but if your my age or older lets remember how giant pads were back then. And loud. You try having p.e. in jr. High while wearing a loud diaper. Fucking embarrassing. You sat there convincing yourself that noone else could hear it and that you must have super hearing. Probably from all those years of practicing being blind cause you were convinced you were gonna lose you sight as an adult and wanted to have a jump start on how to be blind. But wait I digress...)
I was horrified. "No!" I yelled almost crying.
"oh stop being so dramatic." she said putting the box in the cart anyway. " no one cares if your on your period. It happens to all women. Besides, you should be thankful its helping you get those boobies. I think it's about time we go get you a bra too. I'll ask your dad what he thinks."