Tuesday, September 21, 2010


I have been on a mission to decrap my house. My friend Jen told me to get rid of one thing everyday. This way it wont be overwhelming and I don't get rid of anything in my blind haste to rid myself of everything I own so that i no longer have to clean. I was tempted. Really tempted. I clean all fucking day for work. When I get home, its honestly the last thing i want to do. But I love a clean house. So I thought really what more do I need than a bed, couch and tv?

It's amazing how much tupperware someone like me, who doesn't cook, owns. Plus I keep nothing. Any left overs go to my dogs. And honestly I don't think any of these fucking odd shaped squares I own have any lids anyway. And they take up a whole cupboard because none of them fit in together. I opened the cupboard and they literally fell all over me. It's stupid and useless and they gotta go. But when I put them in the to go pile I realized suddenly that I love small odd square plastic containers and when I went to sleep i dremt about needing them and I even had one as a purse, which contained a puppy. So next day, not only did they come out of the pile, I bought a huge box of new ones after I tested each size for puppy perfectness.

Fuck. You guys, I'm crazy.

I have like 5 cookie jars and none of them have cookies in them. I eat all the cookies in one day....they dont have enough time to get stale. In one jar there was change, 73 cents to be exact. In another there was a pair of socks. Nicely folded around a half a slim Jim. I'm sorry but I don't even wanna know what the fuck thats about.

The other 3 were empty and stupid. But again as soon as they sat in that I hate you pile I started to get sad and soon everything had a name and was promised to be loved. Q says I have a velvateen rabbit complex. He says ceramic dog cookie jars that are cracked in half and taped together with duct tape are called garbage not James.

Whatever. I'm trying. I found a broken mirror in between the mattress and box spring that i hid there because I thought the bad guys couldn't give me seven years bad luck if they couldnt find it. I got rid of that! I had to bag it twice and hide in the garbage after midnight but its gone!

Quint thinks maybe I need a vacation. He said we could go somewhere nice and quite and I could relax. He said maybe if I had a calm environment maybe I could stay out of the nuthouse another year or so. I said sure and maybe you don't need 3 guitars. Maybe one is all you need and the needy can have the others. He quickly changed tune and patted James on his way to the kitchen.

Its not easy ridding myself of my treasures. I want the easy way, I want not to dust or constantly organize but I love my stuff. I don't know why inatimate objects mean so much to me but they do. When i was a kid my dad used to set us free in jafco and while everyone else went to play with the electronics I would go to their stuffed animal isle dump them all on the floor and sort them and put them away upright so they aren't uncomfortable. I used to hug each one whisper "when noone is around you can dance and sing, when people are here you are to remain asleep. You will see no harm and feel no pain, and even if I don't buy you I love you just the same." I used to sneak in a pen and write names on their tags of my favorite ones. I used to hide these ones behind others so some asshole kid didn't get them and I could come back to see them again. It's funny cause I don't remember ever telling anyone I did this but one christmas, I got 3 of my favorite stuffed animals with names written on their tags. It was pretty awesome.

At anyrate, I will continue to get rid of one thing till christmas day....that's my goal. So far its been two days and I've got the mirror and a book about 365 days of healthy eating. I honestly don't know what that was even doing in my house. It's a fucking cookbook. About healthy eating. In MY house. I could hear the cheetos and ding dongs clapping when I threw it in the pile. Wish me luck this isn't going to be easy. Q says I should get rid of the doll wrapped in a towel shoved behind his jeans in his closet. He says its obvious I hate it. But I don't, I've had the thing since I was a kid and i love it but I dont know about you but Talking Tina on twilight zone ruined my shit. And Chucky pretty much sealed the deal so I told him I'm afraid to throw her out for fear she'll kill me or maim the dogs.

He told me he'd wait for me while I spend my turn in a padded room. What a guy.

No comments:

Post a Comment