Saturday, July 10, 2010

10 reasons i hate my dogs

1. They lick their butts and then look at me and wag their tails. It makes me feel inappropriate.

2. They step in their own shit. It doesn't matter that I pick it up everyday or that we have a huge yard. They have shit magnets on their feet. I swear it.

3. The only way they will eat dog food is if the other one did accidentally and then vomited it up. Then they take turns eating the vomit.

4. They lay directly in front of the fan and then any air I get is shit air.

5. Joey, my boy, learned how to open doors. When I get home from wk I now have shitfeet, gasbag, asshole dogs passed out on my bed. This is, of course, is because they are so tired from cleaning off the counters with their tongues, chewing holes in my 2500$ white leather couch, knawing on my window sills, burying things in my house plants and chewing up god knows what and leaving it all over the house all day. Poor babies.

6. They bark nonstop at things such as, oh I don't know, plastic bags and pine cones. You know scary stuff.

7. The girl dog, Alabama, is incontinent. She has to take medication twice daily to stop pissing on everything. She hates this medication and will not take it. She spits them out or clamps her mouth shut. She runs from me and If I'm lucky enough to catch her and get one down her throat, its only after we have destroyed a handful of them trying. The month long bottles only last me 2 weeks because of this shit and they cost 50$ a bottle. Oh and if I don't get any down her throat, the only place she pisses is my bed.

8. They love to give us kisses but only after they drink toilet water.

9. If you choose to have privacy while using the bathroom and close the door, they scratch at it, throw their bodies at it and scream like they are dying. When you finally open the door, they run past you and bark and growl at the tub. Seriously.

10. They are my very best friends and my loves. They only live for a decade or so if I'm lucky. When they go my heart breaks and I miss them so much it hurts. Why do they have to be so perfect and cute and wonderful? Damn dogs.

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