Friday, July 2, 2010

f you sandman

The other night I had a dream that my brother Andy had this little metal kitten. It didn't have a mullet or anything it was actual metal, like a robot. I asked him if I could pet it and he said "sure but it bites." I shrugged my shoulders and said "whatevez little bro. I iz good wit da kittycats." (I guess I talk like those fucking cheezeburger cats in my dreams. They are so annoying. Cute pictures though.) I picked up the cat and started petting it and it spun around in my hands like a fucking demon, latched on to my finger, and bit fucking HARD.

It was weird cause I knew I was dreaming but it hurt so fucking bad. I kept telling myself to wake up. I could taste metal, like I was biting the cat, not it me. Or was it blood? I started shaking my hand and couldn't get the fucking hell cat off. I tryed prying its mouth open with my other hand when I sprang awake.

And my mouth was full of blood as I was biting off my own finger.

So, now I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear I'll eat myself. That and the fact I have nightmares about every single fucking night. In truth that metal cat making me bite off my finger has nothing on some of the horrifying things and sheer torture my brain puts me through each night.

Maybe its all the abuse I've made it suffer but its definatly out to get me. And honestly I'm scared I'm gonna wake up half naked in the street hitting the pavement with a towel shouting "the fire! The fire! We have to put out the fire!" (In truth, I thankfully couldn't open the front door when I had this dream or q says that's what would of happened.) Once I was woken up by q while I was peeing in a hamper.(he said "are you peeing in the hamper?" I looked at where I was, felt my face flush red and said "no." When he saw the piss leaking out of the bin he said "well do you mind telling me what that is?" I told him it was cat pee. And when he said "then can you tell me why you sitting with your pants around your ankles in a hamper on top of cat pee?" I had no answer.) I have woken up drenched in sweat time and time again because I've almost drowned, been murdered, kidnapped, lost my dogs, couldn't scream, breathe......or well, I think you get the picture. Basically I hate sleeping because eventually I'm fucking certain I'm gonna encounter Freddy Krugar and he's gonna shred me to pieces. I mean seriously. So sleep and I are not good friends and I have beautiful blackish purple eyecircles to prove it. (I'm so pretty.)

When I was a kid I used to have dreams I was blind. I would wake up in a panic rubbing my eyes to make sure I could still see. It happened a lot and it became something I was honestly scared of. I was so sure this was my future I decided to make peace with it and train my other senses to make my transition to blindness a smooth ride.

I would walk around the house with my eyes closed teaching myself every turn, furniture placement, and count my steps from each room. I would drag my hand along the wall to memorize every bump and bend in the drywall so I could tell where I was just by the feel. I would sit on the stairs and listen to everyone's movement below and try to place the noise with the human.

Quiet rustling of 5,000,000 jelly braclets on someone's arm. That would be Alli.
Loud wet mouthy breathing. That's Andy.
Sounds like an elephant walking around. That's Buzzo.
Evil laughing behind me right before being shoved down said stairs. Good ole Brent.
Shit like that.

I started keeping my side of me and Alli's room spotless giving everything its place. I started hiding my treasures and favorite things so that my brothers and sisters couldn't steal from me. I was so convinced that if I was blind my siblings would dress me up like a retard and prance me around town to be made fun of, I cut marks in the tags of my clothes to let me know its color.(ya know like yellow had one cut, blue two, shit like that.)

One morning I came walking eyes closed into the kitchen for breakfast counting off the steps to my seat at the table. I could sense the presence of my shithead little brother Andy (he literally sounded like there was a constant supply of flem in his mouth) and no one else. I addressed him with a nod.

"Why are your eyes closed?" Andy asked.
I sighed, shaking my head at his stupidity and said "practicing being blind."
"Why?" Andy said.
"So I know what its like." I said.
"Why?" Andy asked.
"BECAUSE." I said.
"Because why?" Andy asked and I could hear a smile in his voice.
"Just because." I said.
"Just because why?" Andy said starting to giggle.
"Just fucking because that's fucking why." I said and I heard Andy gasp.
I smiled knowing I got him. I was on a different level than him. I was facing a life changing disability that could strike at any minute. He knew nothing of what I was going to have to endure. How stupid my little brother was. How annoying and stupid.

With my eyes still closed I reached for the cereal box and someone grabbed my arm. I opened my eyes in surprise and saw my dad sitting next to a grinning Andy having breakfast. (milk was literally dripping out of his mouth. Seriously? So fucking gross.)


Dad yanked me out of my seat and dragged me to my room. Kicking Alli out, he sat me on my bed and said "so you want to be blind huh?"

Surprised I wasn't being killed I said "no but I know I'm gonna be when I grow up dad so I've been practicing."

My dad just stared at me. Finally he said, "sounds good. I'll buy you a cane. Until then your grounded. So for your sake I hope it comes soon." And got up to leave.

Wait...what? "I'm grounded till I go blind?" I said starting to panic. What if it took months?

"That or when you apologize to your brother and clean his room as your punishment for the swearing." And left the room.

"Well fuck that." I said under my breath and laid down in my bed and waited for darkness.

No comments:

Post a Comment