Thursday, July 1, 2010

i bet

Q gets mad at me because when he is pissed I think its funny (then annoying). His face gets so red and he starts using his arms to explain everything and uses the words "literally" and "actually" in every sentence and bobs his head and paces the house and points a lot. He told me I'm an asshole for laughing at peoples pain and agony and I find that, if q is around, when people fall down or get hurt I have to hide my laughter cause he will lecture me loudly IN PUBLIC about how its just not nice to laugh at ones pain (TALK ABOUT THE FUN POLICE. JESUS.)

But seriously? How can that be true? I mean that's how those stupid shows about funniest home videos got famous. Come on. Every single one of them is about some one falling down, or hitting their nuts, or generally just hurting themselves or someone else. Q says its mean that I laugh when people get hurt and I say fuck that its a billion dollar industry and whatever, that shit is FUNNY. When Im feeling blue, I just think back and remember the victims face or awesome last words and I laugh hysterically at my inside joke and pep right on up.(this one time it was icy out and q said to me and my stepson payton, "wait here let me see if the driveway is icy." When he started down it he slipped, arms flailing, screaming "HELP ME!" and landed on his ass so hard his head danced around like a bobblehead. I had to cover my mouth and paytons to stop us from laughing. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he was ok my voice shook and he got all pissy cause I was laughing. Which made me laugh harder. Of course.) When I told Quint that I am not alone, that most people love to watch Americas funniest Home Videos because of the pain people were suffering, he said "no, its because of the host. Bob Saget."

Are you fucking kidding me?

Bob fucking Saget is the worst part of that show. It makes me want to punch him in the face and I hate the studio audience for laughing at him and egging him on.(However I must ask, have you ever seen his stand up though? It's awesome actually. That shit is straight up funny and dirty. I would have no respect for him if I had never seen his stand up on tv. Someone must of paid him big time to tell those fucked up jokes on AFHV. I don't even know how he can live with himself.)

Speaking of Mr.Bob, he performed once at this comedy club called Giggles that was down the street from my house when I lived in Seattle. Right next door to that, was the bar I always hung out at, Dante's. This bar was straight up frat boy shit, not my style, but my roomate worked there and they had awesome drink specials. (Oh and there was some great people watching in that joint. SERIOUSLY.)

I honestly had no idea Bob was performing there and in my inibriated state I must of subconsciously seen his name on the sign because while drinking with my friends I announced that "I found out who slashed my tires. It was Bob Saget." Out of nowhere just to be funny. I really did, the night before, get my tires slashed and I thought it might be this straight up bitch who I got in an argument with about how feeding your dog whiskey was fucked up. (she said "no it isn't he tries to hump everything. It's hilarious." And tried to show me pictures. Fucking gross whore.)

We all started laughing and the people at the table behind us said "that's a lie."

I turned around, looked at a large group of drunk ass frat boys, and said "no it isn't. We used to date and he's pissed I dumped him." And my table nodded in agreement.

"Oh really?" One of the guys said." I bet you 50$ your lying." And his table "hell yeah!"ed and high 5'ed.

Whatever. "Right on." I said and shook his hand cause really? How was he gonna prove that? For all he knew I was the fucking tooth fairy. Dumbass. Go ahead and prove it. Motherfucker just payed my tab yo.

"There he is now. I'm gonna go ask him if he knows you." The dude said and started to get up.

There who is? I thought and turned in the direction he was looking. And there surrounded by two huge black men was Bob Motherfucking Saget.

"No way...." I said not believing my eyes. Was I that wasted? I looked at my homies and my brother said "yep there he is. Molly go tell him to fuck off." And he whispered " fuck you Molly. We don't have 50$ and those dudes will totally kick our asses. So fucking go the fuck over there and make that shit look good." And shoved me off my seat.

What was happening? I thought as I walked toward my "x-boyfriend."

"I got this." I squeaked to the frat boy. He stopped, gestured me to go ahead, flashed me a huge grin and mouthed "50 dollars" And patted my back.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Well, here I goes. I thought. I got to Bob, tapped him on the shoulder and said "um, Bob? That was pretty shitty of you ya know, I realize your in love with me but you didn't have to slash my tires. We are over and you need to get over it." And I winked at him, turned towards my brother and friends and gave them a thumbs up.

Ok, now if you have ever seen my try to wink, I literally look like someone with a bad spasm and my whole face contorts and both eyes actually close but one just seems to stay open a wee bit cause I swear I can see outta it.

One of the huge black guys looked at Bob and said "you want me to throw her the fuck out?" And grabbed my arm.

The entire bar at this point had come to a complete halt. My brother and our friends were looking at me like I was crazy. Nicole was smiling like an insane person and the frat dudes were frozen in shock. Bob was just staring at me and so I winked again. He cringed back and said "no, its ok."

He walked right up to me bent down to meet my eyes and said "well maybe if you wernt such a whore, and fucked both my guys here," pointing to both huge black dudes "I wouldn't of had to fuck up your car." Then he straightened back up and crossed his arms over his chest.

I didn't even know what to do. We just stood there staring at each other when the huge guy holding my arm said "yeah you foxy little minx." And patted my ass.

I started to grin and Bob copied me. "Well, then." I said grinning from ear to ear "guess were even then." And held out my hand. "Friends?"

Bob took my hand kissed the back of it and said "friends. But I will always love you." And he winked at me and walked away.

Not only did I get 50$ and the satisfaction of watching those frat boys pay up, but Bob Sagett bought my table a round of drinks and told the waitress to tell me "hope it was as good for you as it was for me."

Oh Bob.

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