So I was at target the other day buying some candy and slinking down the isles crop dusting (farting under the radar) when I happened into the underwear department. I giggled to myself because I was just farting and thinking "wouldn't it suck if I shit myself" and here i was staring at hundreds of panties.
"Go ahead!" I thought."its covered!" Hahahaha!
Yes sometimes I drink before I shop. F you.
Red robin is right next door and my bartender peeps give me free fries when I drink there. (Q tried to say every one gets them but I think he's a liar.) Plus, there is some RADICAL people watching in the joint.
I LOVE RED ROBIN.
Anyhow, I decided 15$ for 5 pairs of panties was a good deal. I started rummaging through the bins and grabbing out my size (non-ya) and colors I like. I landed 5 good ones, let out a rippper (oopsees) and went for checkout.
It wasn't until the next morning after I washed them (and sobered up) that i realized I had accidentally bought a pair of thong underwear.
I hate thong underwear. Nahnahnahnahnah....Shut it....don't care. Don't want to hear it. All you bitches is lieing to yourselves and others when you say "they're comfortable" Bull Goddamn shit. How can it be? It's a string. UP MY ASS. And my fuzzy kyekye. (VAGINA people.) I hate them. And I find them...well sorta gross. It slips up there and flosses my butthole. I just can't do it.
But I thought, now that I've washed them I can't return them. So I slipped them on and thought I'd try them out for the day. And left for work.
I stopped at the gas station to well...get some gas.(The kind for my car not my butt. Haha! I also drink when i write. Cheers!)
I was the only car there. I made sure. Like really. I looked around and confirmed it.
Just me. I'm alone.
Awesome. Cause this really rad decision to wear a string up my ass was already becoming a really bad idea.
It was up there and super uncomfortable. I glanced around one more time coast was crystal clear, and I grabbed at it. I was getting nothing. Goddamn thong. I couldn't free it. My butt had it sucked right on up. I grabbed and grabbed and came up empty handed. Literally.
I was gonna have to stick my hand down the back of my pants.
And free it.
I mean fuck it. I was the only one there and this thing needed to go. I jammed my hand down the back of my pants and freed the little sucker.
Ahhh. Sweet relief.
"Find what you were lookin for?" Asked a voice from behind me.
Standing at the pump along side mine was a man with a gas can. But of course. I didn't hear this guy walk up.
Annoyed I said "not sure....wait....oh, yep. got it." and I pulled out my hand and flipped him off.
"Nice."he said."what a lady."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I said smelling my hand.
"It means your very classy." He said starting to laugh."Smell anything good there?"
I blushed bright red and ducked into my car.
And the thong dived right back up my ass.