Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Basically I figure in order to get back into this again I really need to get everyone up to date and then like a super confusing novel i will go back and fill in the blanks. As best I can that is, gotta save some stuff for my book. Hahaha i know, it seems like everyone is writing a book these days. but its something I have always wanted to do. Not something I'm doing cause I'm on some reality tv show or whatever. I have been a writer my whole life and its time I start acting like one.

So lets start here. Let me introduce you to my new boyfriend Brian. He's pretty fucking rad. I met him in a bar because that is where 25 year olds hang out. Not where giant old ladies like me should be. But I was in that place in my life where going home wasnt an option (if I wanted to stay sane) and living in my head was just as scary. We all get to this place at some time in our lives and unfortunatly instead of facing mine in a healthy productive way. I discovered fireball and became best friends with it.

It was the summer of 2011 and the bar i basically lived in was a cockroach infested dive in downtown bremerton. I loved it. It was dark and everyone there was there to do probably the same thing I was, forget. but every once in awhile different people would come in and disrupt our miserable world and give us something to play with. I saw Brian sitting at the end of the bar one day when i walked in. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I asked the bartender who he was. "Thats Brian.' she said smiling. " He doesnt talk much. He usually just comes in here and has a shot and leaves or just drinks water. He never talks to anyone or is ever with anyone. He rides his motorcycle here." and she pointed to the harley out front.


So I went up to this Brian sat down next to him and forced him to talk to me. And by talk to me i mean listen to all my problems.

I was a mess. My father had started to get very sick that spring. He was sick and they couldnt find out why. His liver was no longer working as it should. They discovered he had cirrhosis but didnt know why as he was other wise perfectly healthy and never a heavy drinker or ever touched drugs. He was 71 and dying and they didnt know why. My dad was my rock and my hero. I was a wreck.

It was more than that though. My husband of 8 years was starting to become something i knew i couldnt live with anymore. 3 years before this, he cheated and it was a giant deal to not just u,s and i found out he had cheated before and well my life was a spiral of lies and confusion and anger. I tried in those 3 years to make things work and to do the right thing, as my dad called it. My father is the reason I stayed in that marriage, but all of this is another story. All I gotta say real quick is when you fuck someone else and your in a serious relationship, you are an asshole. There are no excuses and noone to blame but yourself. Cheating is a straight up slap in the face and a fuck you to the person you are with. I can see that now that i am out of it and away but when your in it, all you do is blame yourself when someone hurts you like that. All you do is start to question everything and stop believing in yourself. Its fucking a really mean thing to do to someone. You dont want to believe its just this other persons fault because the last thing you want to believe is that is who they are. That the person you gave your life too could literally give a shit. Its a really hard thing to find out  that what you believed to be, isnt. It is truly heartbreaking. And it ruins and changes everything as your world around you crumbles and you try to pick it up but the other person is too busy knocking each piece out of your hands as you do. Anyway, truth is,  I was no longer in love with my husband and I didnt know how to leave him.

So I basically told poor Brian all of this. Not kidding. He just sat and listened. He never really said anything till I was done. When i was done, all he said was "so, your married?" i nodded my head and smiled, shocked that is all he got from that, and said "I guess so." Brian stood up, grabbed his helmet and said "thats too bad, your the prettiest thing ive seen in a long time. Your gonna be ok Molly. I hope I see you again and I hope your dad gets better." and he looked into my eyes, winked, and walked out.

I was smitten instantly.

Long story short (i know, i know, its too late for that) that following october my father died and 6 days later my wonderful husband moved out to go live with one of his girlfriends that he had for god only knows how long. I was alone and depressed and scared and lost and so so so so so sad. I missed my dad and I had noone to to lean on. I had noone to help me or carry the slack while I mourned. So i drank. And I drank.

Brian and I started getting closer and talking more. I started hoping he would come into the bar and he did more often. We exchanged numbers one day even but I was too chicken to call. He was 11 years younger than me and I was nothing but a walking, holy shit, ball of drama and baggage. But, one day when my brother was in town, he hung out with us. I had to stay up all night that night cause i was afraid I would pass out and miss waking up in time to drive my brother to the airport so he could go home. Brian offered to stay up with me. "I wont let you fall asleep." he said. We lay together on the couch all night and watched true blood. He never tried a thing and when we had to get ready to leave, he said, "I'll see you tonight, right?" i smiled and we have been together ever since.

Brian is the most amazing person. He has been my rock and my best friend. He has the most amazing heart and the kindest soul. He is my favorite thing. And I cant wait to tell you all about him.

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