Thursday, August 12, 2010

I shouldn't be aloud to nap. It does the complete opposite of what I want it to do. It does not refresh me or make me feel better or put me in a better mood. I always wake up sick to my stomach, grumpy and tireder. No wonder babies cry when they wake up. Naps suck. I'm gonna start crying too. But mainly cause I slept in a pile of cat vomit and didn't realize it till I woke, which I only woke cause the dog was shoving me to try and get to it to eat it. I hate animals.

And there is this GODDAMN FLY WHO NEEDS TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT buzzing around my room with such urgency he's giving me anxiety. No wonder everyone hates you flies. You really need to change how you sound. It's so fucking loud. Well that and that maggot thing is fucking gross. How bout trying to not have worms as babies. Your so stupid.

I hate my neighbors weekwacker and someone needs to tell him NOT TO MOW ROCKS. What the fuck is he doing out there? Every 4 seconds the mower stops cause it sounds like a small boulder got stuck in the blades. Then he starts it back up and it happens again. For like a half hour this has been going on. Who mows rocks? Oh and hay fucker, figure it the fuck out and stop Jesus christ. Obviously this isn't working. Fucking moron. I actually hate you.

This old lady was walking by my front yard yesterday while I was killing a tree and she stopped and said "that tree is probably older than you. What a shame to destroy it. I've seen it everyday on my walk for years." I sighed picked up my axe and said "I don't care. I hate old things." And started hacking away. My two pitbulls started jumping and barking like maniacs on the screen door and I screamed while hacking "shut up Killer! Get down off the screen Capt. Hate! Bad dogs! You break down that door again and I swear I'll kick your ass this time!" And the little old lady gasped and, I guess her version of quickly, walked away. I smiled to myself cause of course my dogs were just trying to get out to say hi but I wanted miss snoopy bad breath outta here. Mind your own beeswax missy! That tree was really stupid anyway.

My parents were never friends with our neighbors when we were kids. In truth I have to wonder if this is because they had "5 shitty kids and a fuckload of pets" as my dad said was the reason or because they just hate people. I'm starting to think its the second since when I talked to my dad yesterday he said "my fucking neighbor came over and asked for some sugar. What year is this? There are literally stores everywhere. I told him we've none to spare and that I saw some at safeway yesterday. I then put the dogs in the front yard so noone else would stop by. I'm having the doorbell removed." he added later that "someone said hello to me when I went to the mailbox. Jesus Christ can't I get a moments peace?"

The neighborhood my parents live in is super stupid. It's got one of those things where ya gotta pay fees and follow their rules. My dad tryed to paint the house once and the homeowners president came by and told my dad he didn't approve the color through them. My dad said "its brown. It was brown before. Are you saying I actually have to ask YOU what color I can paint MY house? Are you fucking kidding me?" So because she had the nerve to say something my dad left the house half painted for a yr. The board members would gather near the house and talk quietly shaking their heads. My dad would just go outside and turn on the sprinklers..which were aimed at the street.

Another time he had a load of beauty bark in his truck and he had parked the truck in the grass so it was closer to where he was spreading it. The members left a nice note on the windsheild explaining no vehicle could be parked in ones lawn. So my dad took out the battery, left a note saying "tough shit its broke." And it stayed there through the summer. The five of us kids used it as a jungle gym. Ahhhh what a sight.

Speaking of beauty bark my father has this on going war with his yard. Especially the little hill in the lawn. He buys tons of rocks and beauty bark each year and slowly takes away more grass each time. He says the grass doesn't grow because of the trees keeping out the light and they keep throwing their needles and pine cones on it. Each year more grass has been removed and more rocks have been added. I think he just looked for excuses not to be inside with his family. Maybe I think this because he used to say "I'm going outside to work in the yard. I can't stand you people." I wonder.

My dad also spent a fait amount of time at the dump. And for some reason he always made us go. It sucked. Half of us were in the back of the truck with the garbage while the other half sat up front with dad and his huge white dog Mitzi. She always got the window seat and she would hang her head out and drool and coat anyone in back who sat on that side. I got plastered once and yelled "I need a napkin! Mitzi drooled on me!" To which my dad yelled back "its only spit! Her mouth is cleaner than yours stop complaining!"

It smelled horrible at the dump. My dad would set us free while he unloaded the truck yelling at us not to eat anything (Seriously.) And to keep an eye on his dog. That dog sucked about listening and my dad kept her on a rope that burned like a mother fucker. She would throw all her weight into her run (she was very, very fat) and the rope would slip through your hands causing such pain that you had to let go. I wonder what it must of looked like to other people. Just a fun family day at the dump. 5 kids chasing down a giant fat dog as their dad yells swear words at them and calls them useless. Yay!

But fear not people for we kids were not stupid. See we knew the dairy queen was out by the dump and if there is one thing my dad can't resist, its sweets.

We would drop suttle hints here and there to plant the idea of dairy queen in his head."smells like ice cream." One might say taking a wiff.(bad idea if still at dump...this had to be timed right or you could vomit from inhailing rotten fumes.) "Mitzi looks hot she could use some ice cream." Or "dad what's your favorite ice cream flavor?" Or "dad can we have dairy queen?" If he wasn't paying attention. It always worked. We always got some. It was hard work but hey, nothings free.

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