Wednesday, June 23, 2010

return to sender

Hey, did I ever tell you the time I went to the mall and LOST MY KEYS? It, I can assure you, wasn't any fun. I'm pretty sure I had been in almost every store and goddamn it...I guess I had to just start where I left off. What else could I do.

But 2 hours later, with no keys, super anxiety, a mall full of dumb useless bitches who were of no help, and vomit rising in my throat, I went back to my car to cry and cry and cry. Fortunately for me, the doors were unlocked.

So I got in.

And the keys were in the ignition.

It's not that I'm stupid I just don't think sometimes. I just run on auto pilot and things just happen. Jeez. And anyway it seems when I put my mind to something evil takes over and I leave a wake of tears and sadness behind me.

And sometimes....its super funny.

We moved to Washington when I was 7. Or 6. Which ever one you are in the 1st grade.(like I fucking know) Anyway we moved from Illinois. My sister Buzzo (her name was Danielle but supposively my dad lost a bet with his friend named Buzz and had to name his next born kid after him. Since she turned out to be a chick, he nicknamed her Buzzo. Whatever. My dad also told me our dogs were aliens, elephants would trample him if he took his necklace off, and that our babysitter was a witch who if we disobeyed would turn us into pumpkins. We spent the entire time hiding in the bathroom with buckets full of water to kill this fucking bitch.[wizard of oz yo] So basically my dads a liar. And this my friends is another story for another time.)

Where was I? Oh yeah so Buzzo was all bummed cause she was leaving her best friend Jennifer behind and it was sad. Whatever.

This Jennifer was a bitch. After we moved she never wrote Buzzo back or returned any of her calls. Buzzo was heart broken. And this set me up for the best prank ever. Seriously.

It was April 1st (April fools day) and like all good Americans I set out to hurt the ones I loved.

I stole an envelope from my stepmom and snuck up to my room. I shared it with my sister Alli, so i had to hurry before she came back in and ratted me out. (We were all born tattle talers, it was the only way to get anywhere in this family.) I got out some of my school paper and set down to write a very sweet, very apologetic, very fake letter to my dear sister Buzzo from her dear best friend Jennifer.

It was brilliant. In my best penmanship "Jennifer" told Buzzo all about school, their other friends, and her dog Fucker (I cant remember its name and I have literally been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to remember and its not coming so Fucker it is) "Jennifer" apologized for her absence and lack of communication and asked if they could pick up where they left off. RADICAL.

I patted myself on the back and put the letter inside the envelope. I snuck into my sisters room and found her stupid Hello Kitty address book and found bitch ass Jennifers address, wrote it and ours on the envelope and plotted out how to get a stamp.

It had to look authentic or this shit wasnt gonna fly. However this part was not going to be easy. My stepmom kept the stamps in her purse, and my stepmoms purse was NOT TO BE TOUCHED.

It was amazing inside these bags. (you dont want to know how many purses my mom has, lets just say, they have their own room now. If more than one child is home over night, the purses get the room, we get the couch.) There was a place for everything and everything was placed so neatly inside. It didnt take long to find the stamps, it only took anytime because at every noise I jumped and screamed "I wasnt doing anything!" The woman had a way of scaring the living shit out of you. I could not be caught. If we ever did anything wrong or were just about to, she would threaten to bare butt spank us in front of God and everybody. Bare butt? In front of everybody? No fucking way. In this family you would never live that down. Fuck the spank, and (forgive me) God but they had nothing on what my brothers and sisters would do to me later. I had to be CAREFUL.

I sprinted like I was posessed (i got away with it!) back to my room and pulled out a letter my mom had written me (She still lived in Illinois) I needed to duplicate the red stamp thing over the stamp on every sent letter (I'm telling you, I am evil.) I, being an avid collector of anything office supply related, had the perfect red pen and got to work.

So brilliant. So amazing. I sat back, looked at my work and smiled my buck toothed grin. (the one that my Dad would cringe at and say "That one needs braces Linda. Linda!") I ran out to the street, down to the mail box and waited for the mailman.

She was running late, of course. Stupid bitch! I thought. How was I supposed to pull this off if she didnt hurry the fuck up? My stepmom and our dog Murphy (she was a toy poodle. When I was in high school I cut her hair into a mohawk and dyed it purple with food coloring and Linda refused to walk her down the street anymore. "What will the neighbors think?" she said. Um that we're cool? God Linda.)took a walk everyday to the mailbox at 4 oclock and and it was almost 3:45.

"Fuck!" i said freaking out. I couldnt just leave the letter in the mailbox, the stupid late mail lady would take it thinking it was too be sent out. I had to put it in AFTER she had delivered the mail.

"Whatcha doin Molly?" said my shithead little brother Andy walking up to me. (I swear to God he always had boogers in his nose and milk crusted all over his face. God he was gross.)

"Nothing. Go the fuck away." I said growing more and more anxious by the minute.

"You swore Molly. I'm telling!" and he ran off to get my stepmom.

Double fuck.

Now she was going to come out here sooner and she was gonna catch me with the letter! I had to think quick!

So I ran in after Andy and got to Linda first.

"Linda, I got the mail for you. There was only this letter in it, I think its for Buzzo." and I shoved Andy down the hall.

"Oh!" Linda said. "Look at this! Buzzo is going to be so happy!" And she set off to find my sister. With me on her heels.

Buzzo WAS excited. She squealed like a fucking pig and ripped into the letter like it was a fresh trof of slop. She goobled up every word and read some of it out loud to us.

"I'm sorry I havent written, 3rd grade has me so busy!"
"Did you know that Justin and Jeffery arnt friends anymore?" (to which Buzzo cryed out 'like no way! they are like totally best friends!' she was a self proclaimed valley girl. GAY.)
"It was awful. I will miss Fucker. But mom says he was old and it was his time to go. Oh and by the way she says hi!"

My God it was inbearable. I had to plan my timing right though. This was going to be my day in the sun. When Buzzo got to the end of the letter she folded it up looked at Linda and said "Like, I cant believe it! She finally wrote me back!" and Linda gave her a big hug.

And thats when the evil took over in me and I yelled "APRIL FOOLS!"

They both looked at me and Linda said "April Fools what?"

"The letter..." I said beaming from person to person. (a crowd had gathered and by now Brent, Alli, and Shithead Andy were there too)"I wrote it! I got the envelope and wrote the red stamp thing in with my pen and i found her address in Buzzos address book!" and I waited for their praise.

My sister started to scream and lunged at me. I jumped out of the way yelling "I got you! I got you! April Fools!" She clipped the back of my leg with hers and we crashed to the floor.

She started pummeling me like she wanted to kill me. Alli started to cry. Brent shouted "punch her in the face!" Andy yelled "Can i have a snack?" And Linda reached down and pulled me up by my shirt.

"Buzzo ENOUGH!" my stepmom said and Buzzo stopped right away. She was bawling and looked like she was going to kill me. At that moment I was happy Linda was there, she was the only thing keeping me alive.

"Molly, I cannot begin to tell you how mean what you did was." Linda said her voice starting to shake.

"But it was only a joke." I whinned. Wasnt anyone going to see how rad my joke was? I mean, even if it was a little on the evil side, couldnt they see the magic of it all?

"Its not funny. Jokes are funny." Linda said.
"Im sorry." I said.
"Well, if you were sorry you wouldnt of done it." Linda said. (this is what she always said, and what the fuck did it even mean? It didnt make sense.)
"I wont do it again." I said.
"No, you wont." Linda said. "But you need to be punished and I think Buzzo should be able to pick the punishment."

Wait, What?

I started to squirm to get away but Linda tightened her hold on me. I may be evil, but I wasnt stupid. Linda looked at Buzzo. Buzzo looked at Brent, Alli and Andy. They each nodded and Buzzo turned around to Linda and said,

"Bare butt spanking. I like, want you to bare butt spank her in front of God and everybody."

I closed my eyes and sighed.

I was like, fucked.

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