I have a glamorous wonderful job that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Or I can stop lying.
I'm a housekeeper. I scrub toilets and inhale dangerous chemicals daily.(I actually love the smell of windex. What? I do. sorry.) I guess It's not that bad really. I get paid well, make my own hours and am my own boss. It's just.....well, boring sometimes and I don't have anyone to talk to.
But, sometimes I like that too. I mean, once, I got in a rather large fight with my dyson vacuum.(I have a love/hate relationship with him) I was in the middle of cursing it out like he was a redheaded step child when the homeowner and his 5 yr old son walked in on me."look mother fucker I don't need this." I was saying "I will fucking throw you down the Goddamm stairs! Just fucking work! I'm asking please! Fuck!" Needless to say I no longer wk there. So its not always so bad to be alone
Speaking of my shitty dyson, we had a rather interesting day today. I have one of those canister ones that you can use on floors and carpets. It's quite cool, comes in very handy and gets under anything WHEN IT FUCKING WORKS RIGHT. I was vacuuming under this entertainment center when the Goddamm thing plugged up. My first instinct is to blame dyson, its maker, and god for putting us all here. But I'm hasty in that conclusion because underneath things is usually where things hide that clog vacuums. especially when people have kids.(Oh the things ive seen people.)
So I swearingly pull dyson out from under the table and swing the wand up to meet my face and see what we got. And there staring at me with its dead beady eyes is a very large, very dead, mouse.
I screamed and threw dyson down."what the Fuck!?" I scream and start shaking and running in place as if to jog off the memory. What's happening? I can't deal with this! I hate more than anything small dead animals (I probably hate large dead ones too, but have never come across them in my laundry, dog vomit, my bed or my vacuum before). How am I going to deal with this? I slowly picked up dysons wand (that's what she said!) And gently shook it (Haha!) But the mouse didn't budge. Remembering the vacuum was on I quickly shut it off and shook it again. Nothing. I waited a little bit more. Two more shakes. Nothing again.
"How is this possible!?" I yell and drop the vacuum.
I realize then I have no option. I'm going to have to throw dyson away. There is nothing on this earth that could make me try to pry that fucking mouse out of there.
As I looked for a garbage can big enough for my vacuum I had a brilliant idea. It was perfect and I was a genius for thinking of it.(team Molly!) I took the vacuum outside holding dead mouse far far from me and loudly called for the beloved family dog.
Now before you judge me let's look at the facts. I was dealing with some major shit here. I was gonna have to throw my amazing (I take it all back I love you dyson!) vacuum away...my money maker. I had no choice. And really? Come on...dogs love dead shit.
"Maddie!" I yelled."come here girl!" In all of 5 seconds the biggest sweetest playfulest chocolate lab was standing in front of me.
"I have something for yooouuu!" I sang and Maddie's tail went into high gear.
I whipped the vacuum wand in front of her pointing the dead thing right at her nose and said "get it girl!" This is where I made my GIANT MISTAKE.
Besides squirrels and mailmen what do you think dogs hate the most?
In that second Maddie, the sweet big chocolate lab turned into a giant horse sized dogmonster with glowing red eyes (I swear!) Her smile vanished, tail stopped wagging and this low scary growl started to escape from her throat.
"Ah oh." I said.
And as if that was Domonsters command for "kill", she lept at us to do just that.
I shoved the wand forward as she came at me and I fell down from her impact. Dogmonster Grabbed sweet dyson by the hose and started shaking him side to side like a psycho murdering animal. I got up and started hopping foot to foot shaking my hands yelling "maddie stop! Maddie stop! Bad dog! Bad fucking dog!" But this seemed to egg her on and she started to drag dyson backwards into the woods.
"No no no no no no no no!" I screamed and chased after her.
I grabbed dysons plug and pulled back. Dogmonster shot a glance my way and bared her teeth over the hose."bring it on maddie!" I screamed "this vacuum? It cost 500$ fucking dollars!"
I yanked back on the cord and we were in an all out tug o war. I was screaming "drop it! Bad dog!" And pulling hard when I felt something repeatedly hit me on the back. My first thought was that a bird had ran into me (i know thats weird but seriously its something that haunts me daily. No scratch that, it freaks me the fuck out. that goddamn movie "birds" has forever ruined me.) so I screamed, dropped the vacuum, and turned around. And there, wide eyed and scared shitless was this little old woman hitting me with a kitchen towel like I was on fire.
"What's happening what's happening whats happening!" She yelled STILL HITTING ME.
I grabbed at the towel (why the fuck is she hitting me?) missed and tripped on a log and came crashing down on the lady like a tree.(if a tree falls in the forest and noone is around does it make a sound? If its me it does. It says "oh shit!")
I knocked towel lady down and she started to scream. I did too because it only seemed appropriate. She continued to hit me with the dish towel and yelled "get off me I'm calling 911!"
The words nine-one-one will make anyone stop and think (yeah right) and I said "why? What's wrong?" While scrambling off this women (who the Fuck is she? Where the fuck did she come from? I mean these people live in middle of the fucking woods!) and clutching my now bleeding knee.
"You! Stay away from sweet Maddie! I'm going to call 911!" Towel woman yells STILL HITTING ME WITH THE GODDAMM THING.
"What? why? I didn't do anything! She's eating my vacuum!" And then suddenly as if nothing was going on before, the old bitch looks at the scene right in front of her (finally stops hitting me i might add. thanks bitch!) and says "oh. she will drop it if you squeak her ball." As sweet as pie.
Stunned I just stared at her. What did she just say? Where the Fuck am I? Then the sounds of dyson dying and being dragged further into the forest snapped me out of it.
"what ball?" (You bitch.) I ask.
"Oh this one." She says and points at a headgehog squeaky toy laying in the yard as she walks away.
Thinking I was crazy or maybe just forgot that I must of taken acid this morning (I swear I didn't even drink today!) I ran at the hedgehog like it was gold.
I turned around squeaking the thing like crazy and ran after dogmonster and my beautiful dyson."maddie! maddie! I got your toy!"
In less than 5 seconds there was the biggest sweetest playfulest chocolate lab standing in front of me wagging her tail."you have got to be fucking kidding me." I said and threw the hedgehog far far away and went to save my vacuum.
Oh p.s. 2 things.....
#1. It took close to a half an hr to get the vacuum into my car because everytime Maddie brought the toy back she would morf into dogmonster again at the sight of dyson(still in one piece...many many holes but....yay!) And id have to wrestle her from him, and throw the Goddamm toy again.
And #2. The mouse was still in the wand. Fuck me.( that's what she said!)