to be or not to be.

My nephew Jude is a huge liar. When I told his parents this, my brother looked at me and said "the child is two Molly."

I fail to see his point. The kid flat out LIES. When I asked him what color my shirt was he smiled his beautiful smile (this child is gorgeous...I'm not being biased...he really is) and said "lellow." My shirt was bright blue. When I caught him squatting behind the couch grunting I said "Jude are you pooping?" He looked up at me and grunted "no." As the smell of shit wafted up from his diaper. When I asked him if he would like some cheese he said "yes!" When I asked him if he was gonna give it to the dog, he said "No." And when I handed it to him he threw it at the dog and smiled at me.

Um....liar. He told me some kid at daycare bit his foot (he fell) that the dog stole his sandwich (it was inside a Thomas the tank engine toy) and that the ball I gave him for his birthday was from my brothers friend Josh.(when I tryed to remind him it was from me he looked at me directly in the eyes and said "NO.")

LIAR.

But what can ya do.

He's not my kid and truth is, its kind of funny. Q says "he's not lying Molly. And if he doesn't know the answer you help him that's your job. You don't point and say 'LIAR!'"

My job? Nah. I'm Auntie. All we do is play and put diapers on the dog. My job is to let him have fun. My job is to love him. Plus, I want to be his favorite soooooo I'm not about to go being bossy.

Over and over again I hear "you'd be a good mom Molly, your so good with your dogs." I am good with my dogs. I'll give them this. But they are also very, very spoiled. I have a serious problem with it. I'm pretty sure if they could talk people would cringe. They would probably swear, scream and lash out at me in public. If allowed off leash they would run away, shit in peoples yards, chase cats up trees and steal children's play things screaming "Mine!" They hate dog food and will literally starve themselves until I give them people food. On leash they pull, dive under your feet to trip you, try to eat very gross things and have no respect for the word "NO!"

AND I THINK IT'S CUTE.

So...I'm not all that sure I'd be such a good mom. With dogs you can get away with that shit. I've woken up more than once in a dogpile on the kitchen floor with Cheetos stuck to my face because the night before a vodka soaked Molly ripped open a large bag spilled them on the floor, scrambled down and yelled "Let's eat!" And me and the pups gulped them up.

And well, I just don't know if I want little kids. I love them and I enjoy their company but I also love the life I have. I love my relationship with my dogs and everyone keeps telling me if I have a baby, that will change. The best part of my day is the time I spend with my dogs. My heart has been filled, blessed and broken by the dogs I've loved and lost.

When I was a kid I begged for a dog and in 6th grade my stepmom finally let me have one. I named her Regi and we were BEST FRIENDS. She was the smartest, most amazing dog and I cannot thank or love my stepmother more for giving me her. When I moved out, she stayed hm with my parents, and it was heartbreaking.

My next dog, Kincaid, was an epileptic that I got as a puppy when I was 19. I fought over what was right and how to care for him. We spent night after night in the doggie ER with me begging god to let him live and tell me what to do. At 2 the vet suggested I put him down, his epilepsy was that aggressive.(He would have cluster seizures at least once a week.) A friend told me about holistic medicine and accupuncture and it saved his life. Kade stopped having seizures every week and he could live like a normal dog. (he was down to only 1 or 2 seizures a year!) My regret, and I tell you this as I cry nonstop, is I choose to let him die. At 10yrs. old, I stopped Kades accupuncture and let him eat whatever he wanted. It stems from the last time I took him in to the vet. Kade screamed like he was in pain, lashed out at the vet and hid in my lap.(this was a 100lb dog). I couldn't watch him go through it anymore. He fought and struggled his whole life and he was the happiest, sweetest boy in the world despite that. When I saw him cry....it was so unlike him...I thought maybe he was done. He had never complained before even with as much pain as he was in. He just smiled and wagged his tail through it. Maybe kades life should be about him now. Maybe he didn't want to do this anymore? I didn't know. So I choose to let him be vet free.

Then on Christmas eve he seized himself unconscious and I had him put down Christmas day. I will never forgive myself for that decision to stop accupuncture and I hate myself for his pain. I miss him everyday and I hope he forgives me.

I got my boy Max when Kade was 7 I think. When I saw Max I knew he was mine. This little orange baby pitbull was tied to a fire hydrant with a note that said "I need loving." Done and done. The second I looked in his eyes I saw my soulmate. He was the love of my life. Max was the happiest, fattest, jolliest boy ever. He was what I always wanted. When he was 6, he got sick. So sick. I spent 10,000$, refinanced my house and searched for a cure or Fuck it, an answer to what it even fucking was! 6 months later I had to make the decision to put him down as he could barely even stand or see. But to the very end when he heard my voice he would wag his tail and lick my hand. I stayed at the vet for an hour after he died thanking god Max was out of pain but wondering why the Fuck I had to lose my son.

My girl Abbey was the most beautiful solid white American bulldog I've ever seen. I got her when I was doing shelter wk in Olympia. She was 11months old and set to die in 2 days...there was no reason. That's life for pound babies, but I couldn't let it happen. Max at the time was the same age and when they met it was love at first sight. It was amazing. When Max died, Abbey mourned him. 9 months later her liver failed and she died. Personally, I think she died of a broken heart. I miss my white angel, but I am so happy they are together again.

I got my Joey 5 days after Max died and he was a life saver for me. He is this gorgeous black/brown pit I got from an awful breeder. He needed me as much as I needed him. I was sad and lost and my heart was broken. Joe was mistreated, abused and had horrible parasites and worms. He needed love and I needed someone to love. We bonded and now we are inseparable. He is my baby. He is my life.

A week after Abbey died I got my Alabama. I saw her fat little puppy body wiggling around at the pound and said "that's her." I had to sit and wait 4 hrs till Quint got there because ,of course, I forgot my wallet.(go Molly!) (Oh and thank you Quint I love you.) Alabama LOVES people. She is the sweetest cuddlebear with a heart of gold. Joey fell in love with Alabama instantly and they are just like Max and Abbey were. They even look alike, except Alabama is just a little smaller and wider than Joe. Goddamn are they cute.

They are the very best part of me.

Quint says I will know when its right to have kids. And if I don't know yet, I'm not ready. Um....I'm fucking 35....when is this suppose to happen? But when I look in my doggies eyes I think, what if what everyone says is right? What if I won't love them the same? What if I don't have this connection with them anymore? I can't risk that. And I realize I may never, ever be ready.

So, I guess Jude (the liar) is what I get for now. And you know what?

I can live with that.