Thursday, June 24, 2010

i swear.

The other morning I told Quint to go fuck himself. He rolled his eyes and said, "grow up Molly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.(oh and stupid comeback btw.)

"It means you act like a kid. Do you ever listen to yourself? All you ever do is swear." And he walked out the door.

Whatever. And so what? I'm pretty sure that DOES make me a grown-up thank you very much. When I was a kid we couldn't swear AT ALL. It was my lifes goal to swear nonstop when I grew up. That would show my parents. I would be so cool. (it hasn't worked out so great yet)

Pissed (fucking pissed. Ha!) I opened the door, shut my eyes and yelled "CUSS WORDS! JUST LET UM FLOW! MOTHER FUCKER SHIT GODDAMN ASSHOLE!"

I heard a gasp and someone started laughing. When I opened my eyes I saw 7 children and their parents waiting at the bus stop. Oh, and a ghost white Quint with his mouth hanging open staring at me.

"Oops!" I said."Sorry."

Quint started to shake his head and turned for the horrified parents. I could hear him explaining about my awful, untreatable case of touretts.

It's not my fault I like to swear. I just do. I'm not stupid, I know I can't swear all the time (yes officer. I just didn't see the fucking stop sign.) And I honestly try not to around kids. (its not my fault there's a bus stop outside my house.) When my stepson Payton is here I have to pay him if i swear. It's a quarter for all words except motherfucker...that one will cost ya 50 cents. (last time my sister Danielle was here she handed him a 20 and said "that should cover me for a couple hours." MY SISTER RULES.)

Like I said, when we were kids we were not aloud to swear. Not like that's uncommon, but my dad seriously did all the time so it was hard not to copy him.(I called him a cocksucker once as a very small child. I had no idea what it ment. All I knew is my dad said it ALL THE TIME.)

My stepmom Linda especially didn't like it. She used words like "turkey" or "silly goose" to describe dumbasses. We all thought this was stupid. When we were out of the parents earshot, pretty much all we did was curse.

"Goddamn it Andy, your a fucking retard."
"Shut the fuck up Alli. your a bitch."
"Buzzo is a mother fucking dumbass."
"Brent sucks. He's such a fucking Asshole."
"Molly is a shithead cunt."
You get the picture.

One day Brent and I decided it was a really good idea to beat the shit out of each other. With each punch, kick, and Indian burn we swore at each other like sailors. When Linda caught us we thought our (silly) goose was cooked.

But it wasn't. She rjust sighed heavily.
"I'm tired of this."she said."do whatever you want. You turkeys never listen anyways." And turned to leave. Brent and I sat there stunned.
"Can we swear?" Brent asked.
"Can I stab him?" I asked.
Linda frowned looked at us and said "swearing yes, stabbing no. I don't care anymore." And walked away.

Brent and I grinned at each other like idiots. (like fucking idiots! LIKE FUCKING IDIOTS! We can swear!)

"Go upstairs and yell at me through the vent." Brent said (for some reason we all loved to talk through the vent but the parents never allowed it. They were so BORING.)

"Awesome." I said and ran upstairs.

I got to the vent and I laid down on my tummy,my chin resting on my crossed arms. I was so excited. Let the games begin!

"Hello bitch." Brent said.
"Hi Dick." I said.
"Stupid fucker!"
"Dumb fucker!"
"Shit eater!"
"I said dickhead!"
More silence.
"Brent?" I said "its your turn I said dickhead!"
Totally silent.
So I drew in a deep breath and yelled "MOTHER FUCKER!"
And I was picked up off the floor and dragged ten feet to my room and swiftly thrown in.
What was happening? Whats going on? I got to my feet and turned around to see what happened bumping right into my dad.

"Oh shit." I said. Slapping my hand across my mouth.
"Ya think?" My dad said."now, do you mind telling me WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"

I was going to die, I could see that now. This must of been why Brent wasn't answering. Poor guy. Dad had gotten him first. I shrugged my shoulders looked my dad and said "I don't know."

My dad hated this answer.

He was convinced only known liars, thieves and useless people (otherwise know as his children) used this phrase. And only when they were guilty.

"Ok, maybe you can tell me why you were screaming swear words down the vent." My dad said.
"Linda said we could." I told him.
My dad just stared at me.
"She did dad. It's true. Ask Brent." (If he was still alive that is.)
My dad just kept staring at me.
"Really. Just ask him." I said.
My dad sighed and sat down on my bed."when I walked in, I saw Brent. He said you've been like this all day and that you made Linda cry. I don't know what I'm going to do with you Molly, but Brent said next time he won't let you get so out of hand."

Who said what now?


My dad slowly got up, walked to my door and said "don't come out of here until tomorrow. No dinner. Only bathroom. You speak, its two days. Do you understand?"

I nodded tears welling up in my eyes. It wasn't fair. I didn't even do anything wrong. But in my house you were guilty until proven innocent.

I layed down on my bed and plotted Brents demise.

And then, faintly through my bedroom vent, I heard laughing and then a stupid assholes voice say "how's it going dumbass?"



  1. I like to swear, too:-)

  2. I think I just laughed so hard I peed my pants! (at the library of course because I steal their internet ;-))