Friday, June 18, 2010

mrs. manners

I try to vote everytime I get a ballad in the mail but I usually don't know what I'm voting for. I just copy Quintys paper and mail it in. I guess he never knew I was doing this cause when he caught me he got all pissy. He says I'm not allowed to vote anymore unless I read the literature.

But I can't understand it. I tryed to read it and it all sounds stupid and they use big words I dont understand. (when i told quint that he said "Whos the stupid one?". I hate him.) Plus they vote on really dumb stuff. I'm over it.

So I try to make the world a better place by making sure people follow their manners. And most importantly, their table manners.

My dad is like a nazi about table manners. (that or he used it as an excuse to give us one more reason to fuck up so he could punish us. ) When we would sit down to dinner us kids would count off the "Checklist of fucking stupid rules dad made" to ourselves to avoid being killed.

"eat with your mouth closed"
"dont talk with food in your mouth"
"hold your fork right" (which was always followed by "what are you a caveman?" So stupid.)
"dont eat with your hands" (when he said this to me once i said "what do you want me to use my feet?" and my dad said "no your fork you smart ass" and whispered under his breath "useless fucking kids.")
"wear a shirt to the table" (long story.)
"no hats at the table"
"no slurping"
"no laughing, breathing, or being happy. Basically sit there and be as quiet as possible and your life will be spared." (or something like that)

Because god hates me, my seat was right next to my dads. It was the scariest place on earth. His favorite thing to do if you were not following one of his rules (sorry fucking stupid rules) was to stab your hand with his fork. (ok so before you guys go and have my dad arrested for child abuse its not like he stabbed you hard. i only bled like 5 different times and had only one fork sticking out of my hand as my dad yelled "EAT WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT! haha! I'm kidding, but he really did stab us.) And since there are 5 of us and the table was big, he couldnt always reach the sinner so he would just stab me.

"Brent close your mouth." stab mollys hand.
"Allison, we do not slurp our spagetti." stab mollys hand.
"Buzzo (Danielle) dont talk with food in your mouth." stab mollys hand.
"Andy, we wear clothes at the dinner table." stab mollys hand twice cause andy is a naked fucking idiot.

it was fucking hell.

So basically i think this is why i too have become a table manner nazi. I mean I really wanted to keep my hands.

Quint now lives in the world of fear. He sits down to eat and prepares himself for my scrutiny. i sit across from him and stare and bark orders as he trys to get some nurishment.

"why do you eat so loud? is your mouth closed?"
"god invented forks for a reason honey."
"I just don't get how you can't talk in between bites, not during them."
"Can we turn on the radio? It sounds like I'm eating dinner with a farm animal."

I always feel real bad about it afterwards but I can't help it. I know for a fact I follow my dads rules. (I no longer think of them as fucking stupid. He's a genius and we were disgusting. He started eating alone in the living room by the time I was in Jr high because "I should be able to enjoy my food, I payed for it. But that's impossible around you damn pigs." Feel the love!)

" why its not like you have excellent table manners."Q said when I asked him to follow my example.
Shocked I gasped "that's bullshit!"
"We shall see." He said and I waited for him to prove his point.

But he didnt (booyah! See?) and the days went on as usual ("how can you not hear yourself? Close your mouth!")

That is until we got in a fight over how to eat spaghetti.
"You DO NOT slurp it up!" I said shocked.
"How else can I eat it?" Quint said slurping away.
"Really? I have to explain? Jesus Quint your disgusting."

And then it happened.

He grabbed his phone and said "I didn't want to show you this. It gives me satisfaction just knowing I'm right but you seriously won't shut up so here..." he shoves his phone at me."press play."
Confused I did as I was told and the horror unfolded.

In the video I sat in a chair in front of the tv eating some soup. With each bite I got more and more Fucking disgusting. I slurped and smacked and when I laughed at something on tv, food shot out of my mouth and I did nothing.
I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and then on the chair. I burped and didn't excuse myself. I grunted at the dogs when they got too close.
"What was that?" I gasped.
"That's you telling the dogs to back up." Q said.
"I don't speak?"
"Oh no. But they understand."
And they did. It was horrifying.
"Am I always like this?" I asked tears welling up in my eyes.
" yes honey." Quint says and pats me on the back.
"I'm disgusting." I whisper and start to cry.
Quint laughs gives me a hug and says "yes honey. Yes you are."

He's an Asshole.

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