why me so pretty today

1. My face is swollen beyond recognition. Q called me Mask this morning.
2. I have a rad limp because I tripped over my fucking asshole cat while she was trying to get my attention to give her some kitty treats. Never ever let your cat try those temptation treats….you will regret it. that shit is straight up kitty crack.
3. my eyecircles are down to my mouth and are the color of a ripe plum. I think I have been sleeping a total of like 3 hours a night due to my lovely dog Alabama who spends her nights practicing her karate kicks on my kidneys. When I woke up and pissed this morning it took me a second to realize that its actually my pierod that started and not that im pissing blood which is what I assumed from the god awful pain.
4. Speaking of Alabama, she is a fucking bed hog too. I get maybe a fourth of the bed and my back is so jacked now I cant stand up straight.
5. I have a stress rash all over my arms and legs so I am constantly itching myself till I bleed like a crackhead.
6. Due to the rash, I have to wear flowy linen clothes that don’t touch my body. I mean turns out I like these clothes, but I look a bit like a bag lady.
7. My hair hates this weather so it is a huge ball of frizz that I cannot contained because seems my dogs have eaten all of my hair ties. So I have to wear one of qs stocking caps to contain my brillo pad head and it makes me look like a man.

Like a crooked old man with a limp and a swollen purple face with a seeping rash in linen clothes. And no, im not happy to see you, that’s a tampon in my pocket.