Monday, January 3, 2011

The Tale of Two Turds and a Lolly Pop

Once apon a time I decided to take up skipping. I'm sure at my old age I look like an idiot but it makes me smile and not be rude to unsuspecting strangers, or Quint. And that's one of my new years resolutions; don't be so rude, Molly.

"Whatever gets your goose." Q said when I announced my new pass time.
"what does that mean." I asked.
"What does what mean."
"Get your goose."
"I don't know. Like whatever makes you happy. Whatever gets ya through the day."
"God that's stupid and it doesn't make sense. Why would I have a goose? Why is getting it so good?"
"Wow. It's just a saying. Jesus Molly. Maybe you should go skip some more grumpy."

Ok so maybe it doesn't work all the time.

But I'm trying and that's the point right? My other resolutions were don't talk to banerkners, stay away from drama and no fast food till Feb. Broke every single one on the first, but it wasn't my fault. Bremerton is a pack of banerkners waiting to pounce. And I was super drunk, and I was skipping so i thought all was good and right with the world. Nope. I ran into a giant drama banerkner and spoke to it. So I had to to make q take me to jack in the box and drown my tears in curly fries and ranch dressing. Sigh. Oh well. God didn't invent tomorrow for nothing. It's a bright new shiney do over. Yay!

So today was my put new years resolutions into affect day take two.(i couldnt on Sunday cause I was too hung over so that day didn't count.) I actually woke up on time today and I didn't even complain to q that we had no sugar for the coffee even though I put it on his fucking grocery list yester-fucking-day. I just smiled, skipped to the bathroom and screamed into a towel.:-) yay! I wasn't rude. Plus I didnt honk my horn once on my way to work. I felt bad for not paying it any attention though so I honked it a couple times when I got to wk just to remind him I loved him. And I do. The car horn is the best invention ever. Besides frying pans.

I was full of smiles and good intentions when I opened the door to the house i was about to clean. Shit, I was even on time today. So far today was A+.

When I got inside I put down my vacuum and cleaning stuff and took off my coat. I went to hang it in the closet when i saw something strange on the floor.

"What is that?" I said. As I reached down my hand.

You would think I knew better. I mean my dad always told us to look with our eyes not with our hands. But I never listened then so why start now?

It was poo. It was a long thick turd. And it took me a few seconds and a sniff to figure it out too. (I'm really not a morning person and they have those lights that take like a minute to get bright after you turn them on. So I couldnt see and q didnt buy sugar remember? so I hadn't had coffee...so fuck, its not my fault.)

I screamed, threw it down and ran for the bathroom. Problem is I stepped into the turd I threw down on my way.

"Motherfucker." I said and took off my shoe. I started to chant swear words when I remembered that today was good day number one of the beginning of my new good mood Molly year. So I took off my other shoe to even me out and skipped to the bathroom to wash off the poopy.

It seemed like the bathroom smelled weird.

Cautious, due to the turd touching, I slowly scanned the room before entering.
What was that smell? I thought as I looked around.
Why can't I place it?
I don't see anything weird.
Maybe I'm just paranoid.

So I stepped in and went to work cleaning my shoe. It slowly started to register to me that the smell was horribly disgusting. Like holy god gut wretching. While I ran my shoe under the bathtub tap I scanned the room again. I noticed that there was water all around the toilet.

Wtf? I got up from the tubs edge and walked to the toilet. There inside was a bunch of diarrhea, a couple normal turds, lots of toilet paper and a red lolly pop.

"Weird." I thought as I flushed the toilet. Well that answered the smell.......and oh Jesus, was that the poo on my shoe? Wait, no...I mean how would it of gotten out?

It was then that Tricksy the 1 year old happy gigantic golden retriever came bounding into the room to see me.

Or at least I thought it was to see me.

She went straight for the toilet and dunked her head in.

"Hey Tricksy no! It's not flushed all the way!"

I grabbed at her collar and pulled out her head. She looked at me and in her mouth was a giant glob of poo, a bit of tp and the red lolly pop.

I gagged and ran from her down the hall. I couldn't talk cause I was so close to puking. I was waving my arms like mad and gagging and jumping up and down like I was on fire. It was so Fucking gross. "DROP IT!" I gagged screamed.

But Tricksy didn't drop it and my crazy rain dance thing had drawn her attention to me and when I looked down at her to see if she had listened, there she was 6 inches from me wagging her tail, poo still in mouth.(lolly too.)

I froze. I froze because I have been around dogs my whole life and I knew that look in her eyes. Tricksy wanted to play.

She lept up at me and started to try to grab at my shirt to play tug o war. Unfortunately the poo was still in her mouth, what she used for grabbing, and so I was leaping away like mad gagging and trying to smack her away at the same time. Tricksy thought this was great fun.

"Get off! " I gagged."go lay fucking down!"

I shoved at her hard and jumped back right into a counter. It smacked me in the small of my back hard and I fell to the floor.

I thought I was gonna pass out it hurt so bad. I was laying there in pain when I heard a plop on the floor next to my face.

Oh god no.

I opened my eyes and there was a large wet piece of mother Fucking people shit with a red lolly pop stuck to it inches from my face.

I instantly got pissed. I was in pain and so grossed out. I gagged and said "BAD DOG!" Tricksy, the loving sweet pup she was, lowered her head and licked my face.

I screamed. And somehow I got up and ran to the bathroom. I grabbed the soap and slathered my face like frosting a cake. I couldn't use enough soap.

I was gross. I had people poo on my face. I would never be clean again.

I washed my face for like 10 minutes. I was gross, crying,and Fucking over it already. It was then I realized I left the bathtub running. My shoe was soaked. There was poo pieces all over the tub. I cryed harder, rinsed out the tub and went to grab my other shoe.

But my shoe was gone. And I could only guess who had it.

"Come here Tricksy." I said trying to control my voice.

Tricksy came bounding around the corner with my shoe.

"Drop it." I said.
And miraculously, she did.
I picked it up and headed for the door. I grabbed a plastic bag from the utility room for my shoes and shoved them in. Then I grabbed my coat, my vacuum and my supplies and Fucking left.

I called the owner when I got home and explained my morning. She apologized then offered to pay me double if I went back. I politly declined.

Oh did I mention what was in my shoe?

I will never eat a lolly pop again.

And fuck skipping.

8 comments:

  1. Frank will be so sad you're not in to skipping anymore, the girls love to skip! And we do not have lollipop poo eating dogs...
    (I'm only "Anonymous" because I haven't quite figured out the blog thing).

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  2. If you want to be a successful blogger, you need to start using the spell check, fix your grammar, and stop using so much profanity in your posts. I see that you are trying to emulate the Jen Lancaster style, but your language and poor grammar are really distracting.

    Commas are not your enemy, and would you please explsin to your readers what "banerkners" are?

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  3. Actually its my own styke been writing forever before i read one of her books, she inspired ke to start to blog is all.

    I keep all the errors etc because its my voice, its me, its the way i writs and speak and I think that alobe makes it my style.

    And I swear.....so....i mean like i said its my style. i am not trying to be someone else. I dont want to be successful if I have to be censored

    Thanks for the comment!

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. See all the errors its fun! Plus i write on a phone.....so......

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  6. Oh and definition of banerkner: get a mirror look at reflection.

    There ya go!

    Fucking rad huh?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Molly, I just went and looked in the mirror and I'm confused.....

    ReplyDelete
  8. You have to be one to see it.......

    ReplyDelete