I was minding my own business laying in front of the fire and i accidentally took a nap and only woke up because I fell off the mattress due to being kicked by two dogs in the back and pushed out of their way to feel the warmth from the fire. Jerks. Im soaked from sweating to death and I have part of a pigs ear stuck in my hair and Brian is outside working on his "baby" that damn jeep and isn't here for me to yell at for no reason. So as I make myself my carrot, super food, berry juice drink I'm gonna add some (shitloads of) vodka to it and shave my head. Good day my friends.
I said good day!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
I got up early this morning and took the dogs on a short walk and a long car ride. I worked out. I took a bath. I cleaned a bit. I picked up the poop in the backyard. I poked Brian with a pigs foot. I did lots of txting. I emailing some people. I cleaned out my truck. I took some pictures. I blah blah blah blah blah blahed whatever turns out I just wanted to lay down so I put the mattress on the floor in the living room in front of the fire, closed all the curtains, turned off all the lights and me and the dogs piled up and watched some tv. I feel like I never relax so i decided to give it a shot. now I know why i never relax. it's boring. I'm hungry for no reason laying here and it makes me tired and im not. I feel like i should be doing something so I'm guilty too. But, I'm gonna stay here anyway till Brian gets home to entertain me. God I wish I had some gummi bears and maybe a margarita or 16. These dogs are useless how do they not know what a blender is?!
I like taking baths. I get so cold and a shower just doesn't warm me. I need to be submerged in hot water simmering away like a fine tasting Molly soup. My dogs usually come in for a visit, biting at the bubbles (from the soap not my farts) as they marvel at how I can enjoy this adventure. (My hope is they will see that bath time does not need to be similar to wrestling alligators).
Anyway today Brian came in instead with a simple request. "may I use the bathroom real quick?" He asked looking pretty uncomfortable. I nodded and Brian said "can ya close the shower door though babe I don't want you staring at me while I poop."
WHAT THE FUCK.
I told him to get the mother f out of here and wait till I'm done for that kind of nonsense. Why the hell would that be ok?!?!? Boys. So so gross. bath time ruined, straight up, I took extra long getting out just to make him suffer and prairie dog.
Anyway today Brian came in instead with a simple request. "may I use the bathroom real quick?" He asked looking pretty uncomfortable. I nodded and Brian said "can ya close the shower door though babe I don't want you staring at me while I poop."
WHAT THE FUCK.
I told him to get the mother f out of here and wait till I'm done for that kind of nonsense. Why the hell would that be ok?!?!? Boys. So so gross. bath time ruined, straight up, I took extra long getting out just to make him suffer and prairie dog.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
My dad is dead.
There is this hole inside my heart that will always be there because of this. I watched my dad die and I remember looking at my brothers and sisters and my mom and thinking I wanted to save them from it. I knew how bad my heart hurt and I could feel theirs break too and the pain was overwhelming and i wanted to just give up. I wanted to run. I wanted to run and run and run and run and scream and hit and stop it from being that way but I couldn't. So I sucked it all in and gave up. I started to live in a constant count down of days and hours and minutes and seconds and huddle in the fear of the anxiety of knowing its the countdown of the rest of my life and this paralyzed me. I watched hours pass as I realized I will never get that time back and I used it angry and sad and withdrawn. I counted the number of days I saw the people I love and added it up an realized it was so small and that soon I won't see them again either, so whats the point and I sat in this and hated myself for not noticing all the love around me and wasting my time in my head. Just angry sad confused lost and tired. But things got better. Brian forced his way into my locked heart like an annoying little thing and He just wouldn't give up or let me. He woke me up and made me see that i was needed around here. He told me that yeah maybe my purpose on this world is to make people happy but guess what? I do it so well that noone is happy anymore when I'm not. He said we all have our place in this world and without everyone doing their part it doesn't wk. I knew he was right or maybe I just wanted him to shut up, So i fought back against my own mind. I can tell you that it worked but it wasn't easy. It's still in there today but I can shut it up most days. I can look at the brighter side of depression and get up and do something with myself. Until today. Today I got a letter from a lawyer who needs my signature on some shit about my dads estate and I see the words "Freddy Leon Clark, Deceased." and I cry. And cry and cry. I cry for myself and my family because he was our rock and our happiness. I cry for him too because he enjoyed life. Its like my soul and my heart have turned to liquid and are coming out my fucking eyes. Hahaha But you know what i think maybe its a good thing i cry because I think maybe for the first time I'm healthy enough to understand it and actually cry to heal myself. I miss him and I know that will never change. But I don't have to be miserable about it anymore or beat myself up for things I coulda shoulda woulda done. I know I'll see him again. He promised me that he would always be here for me and I believed him. And my dad was if anything a man of his word. Wow.......seeing that paper was hard and that walk down memory scary fucking lane just sucked but thanks for letting me write it and share it and heal.
Now where the fuck do I find a notary?
Oh and I need a drink.
There is this hole inside my heart that will always be there because of this. I watched my dad die and I remember looking at my brothers and sisters and my mom and thinking I wanted to save them from it. I knew how bad my heart hurt and I could feel theirs break too and the pain was overwhelming and i wanted to just give up. I wanted to run. I wanted to run and run and run and run and scream and hit and stop it from being that way but I couldn't. So I sucked it all in and gave up. I started to live in a constant count down of days and hours and minutes and seconds and huddle in the fear of the anxiety of knowing its the countdown of the rest of my life and this paralyzed me. I watched hours pass as I realized I will never get that time back and I used it angry and sad and withdrawn. I counted the number of days I saw the people I love and added it up an realized it was so small and that soon I won't see them again either, so whats the point and I sat in this and hated myself for not noticing all the love around me and wasting my time in my head. Just angry sad confused lost and tired. But things got better. Brian forced his way into my locked heart like an annoying little thing and He just wouldn't give up or let me. He woke me up and made me see that i was needed around here. He told me that yeah maybe my purpose on this world is to make people happy but guess what? I do it so well that noone is happy anymore when I'm not. He said we all have our place in this world and without everyone doing their part it doesn't wk. I knew he was right or maybe I just wanted him to shut up, So i fought back against my own mind. I can tell you that it worked but it wasn't easy. It's still in there today but I can shut it up most days. I can look at the brighter side of depression and get up and do something with myself. Until today. Today I got a letter from a lawyer who needs my signature on some shit about my dads estate and I see the words "Freddy Leon Clark, Deceased." and I cry. And cry and cry. I cry for myself and my family because he was our rock and our happiness. I cry for him too because he enjoyed life. Its like my soul and my heart have turned to liquid and are coming out my fucking eyes. Hahaha But you know what i think maybe its a good thing i cry because I think maybe for the first time I'm healthy enough to understand it and actually cry to heal myself. I miss him and I know that will never change. But I don't have to be miserable about it anymore or beat myself up for things I coulda shoulda woulda done. I know I'll see him again. He promised me that he would always be here for me and I believed him. And my dad was if anything a man of his word. Wow.......seeing that paper was hard and that walk down memory scary fucking lane just sucked but thanks for letting me write it and share it and heal.
Now where the fuck do I find a notary?
Oh and I need a drink.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)